Conversation started out slow, actually there was none until she got a glass of wine down. Said she couldn't believe how bad things had gotten with us. I acknowledged her feelings. She said that she had set up an appointment to talk with the therapist that I found for her which is definitely a positive with all of the trauma that she has been dealing with in her present and past, hopefully she follows through and continues.
Played a song about loving a person and being confused and replacing that person because of the heartbreak. She broke down crying saying she does that every time she hears it and had a hard time telling me about it. I showed no emotion and didn't try to analyze the lyrics for her.
This was early in the night and at one point she stood up and kinda wanted to break the ice and asked for a hug which I gave her and it made her cry again. I had been emotionally distant to that point and figured I needed to give her something.
I tried to avoid talking about the OM but she put out some things that had me counter about things that I knew but I quickly backed off to not escalate.
At this point she is halfway through a bottle of wine and she is getting to that point where I know meaningful conversation will not be happening much more. And then things got weird. She said she had a girlfriend coming over to pick up a purse and when she came by she ended up sitting down with us on the deck to have a drink. An hour later as my wife has almost finished her bottle she is ready for bed but her girlfriend is not ready to leave. So my wife goes to bed and her girlfriend stays talking to me.
I then get a call from my wife to come upstairs and this is where I slip up. You know what happens next but I'll skip the details. So I come back down later and her girlfriend is still there, and she wants to talk to me. Come to find out this is the OM's niece and when she overheard his name during the point where my wife and I had some words she wanted to know what was going on as it sounded like she didn't know anything and was a little upset that an affair was going on and that my wife had her come over only to go to bed an hour later. She said she was going to talk to her uncle in the AM and obviously she knows we slept together so not sure how that will play out.
I answered a couple of questions for her girlfriend and she went on her way but I know I took a big step backwards even though my wife was drunk and if I did show vulnerability she would not remember much outside of sex which I know probably gave her the control in her head that she wanted back after 2 good weeks of detachment had been wearing on her.
I'm ready for the tough love guys and know I need to return to the DB'ing that was working and hopefully did not give up too much ground. I am committed as best I can be and will keep looking after me and my family.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Not tough love. Mostly all well done, maybe a little less OM talk is my only advice.
On sex, if she initiates there is nothing wrong with consenting. JUST HAVE ZERO EXPECTATIONS as to what it means.
Think of it this way, she was probably horny as snot, and it is better with you than OM. However, speaking of OM, hopefully that is over? If not you are putting your own health at risk. (STD testing is highly recommended for both you and her!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She def initiated and it does not do much for me in regards to me feelings, more of an ego boost I guess and I have zero expectations. Roger on the OM talk, but I am pretty sure it is not over so I know I am rolling the dice.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Side note, I have been going out of my way to look different than I had in the past. She has noticed clothes although subtle that are new and work well with the new body that I have. After the initial weight loss and working out the last 3 months my wife said I look better now than when we met at 31. And last night a subtle body spray helped bring her to tears as she noticed right away during that first hug.
Don't forget the little things! I did all this for me and I feel better about myself but it is making a huge difference when she is around. Keep fighting the fight!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update a day removed from sleeping with WW, worried I would be emotionally back in again, but I got this. She spoke to the therapist I sent her to set up an appointment next week. She was home right after work and was a bit flirty but doesn’t want to really talk until she has first appt. I had no problem going right back to detachment and validation of the few things she said to me. Still trying to figure if I am committed to DB’ing or if I am over her.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Still trying to figure if I am committed to DB’ing or if I am over her.
It is interesting isn't it. 2 weeks ago you would have said you wanted nothing more than to R with her. And now you are questioning that. This is why we say DBing works. First, it has a profound effect on the WAS if done properly. Secondly, and even most importantly, it shows the LBS that they will be AOK no matter what. And that realization usually comes with the feelings you are having: "Do I really want to stay with this person after all they have done?"
lost8,you are right, you've got this. You are a model DBer and will be an inspiration to any newbies that come to this forum. Well done sir, I tip my cap to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve we have only one good around in this life and albeit difficult right now I know I am doing my best to right this shop or sail off on a new one. I am fortunate at my age to still have too living parents that I now spend more time with and have more time to focus on my youngest as well as myself.
I feel for those in different circumstances that have either already moved on or who can’t let go. I will continue to share my experiences regardless of the outcome to hopefully help others.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update went to HH with one of her former BFFs who has detached from her due to lack of responsibilty and situation. W was again curious as to where I was but inquired through son, NC with me and did not see me yesterday. She argued with me all day via text about phone bill I engaged as little as possible. Another weekend and again anxious because almost positive she will not be home. I have some things planned for the weekend and will keep busy and am keeping faith that therapy will have some effect on her but that is days away and a long weekend knowing she is with OM.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
