Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

Hi Amoafwl. Thanks for the great (and difficult) questions. I'll try my best to answer them...

Im just curious what exactly you are waiting for in order to consider dating further? What trigger will help you to identify that "it's time"?

Frankly, spending time with other women felt akward to me for a bunch of reasons. The obvious one is that during more intimate times I felt like I was cheating on my W. But also, unlreated to the lingering feelings for my W, it felt like too much work. Trying to navigate the "getting to know you" phase with one or two women while balancing work and home schedules as a newly single dad was exhausting. Mabye that will all change if/when I meet someone who I really like. But for now I think I need to put my effort and energy into my kids and my own personal improvement. Not sure what will trigger a change in my mindset. I guess I'll know it when it happens...

Im also curious what exactly you love about her. At this point, is it simply the memory you love? The good times in the past? Or is it still the person that she is now?

No, you're right. It's the memories and the idea of what our relationship was supposted to be that is triggering these feelings. It's also our connection to the kids. We're forced to communicate a lot in order to co-parent effectively, and we're always cordial towards each other. So it feels like things aren't so different than they were before. Not sure if I'm even making sense here...

At this time, what is your reason to not file for divorce? Not saying that you should or shouldnt. But Im curious what it is that you want to hang on to right now. To me, you are keeping yourself in this limbo state. Maybe it's a divorce decree that will help "set you free"?

I grapple with this often. I believe that the primary reason that she's not pushing for divorce is because she would lose my medical insurance. So whenever I feel like I should push for it I always second guess the reasoning. Is it for closure? Is it for spite? There's no quantifiable benefit for me. I fear that filing will either anger her and/or send mixed messages (i.e. "I don't want a divorce, but I'm filing anyway.")