Was going to continue with old thread but decided to utilize two independently of another to address a new sitch which just occurred last night. A little background:
BD 8 /8
T 8 M3
Last night my W and I talked for over 3 hours. The talk concluded with her and I piecing. She told me she does want to work on us and has just been very cautious and built emotional walls to absorb the effects of my past actions. I haven't been the best husband and committed an EA with a Co worker before we were married in 2015. I have also been emotionally abusive among other things, controlling, possessive, etc. Onitially I thought and posted in my last thread that my W was currently involved in an EA but what I found really was no proof of anything and went I confronted her about it she looked very hurt by the fact I thought so. We share a facebook she never hides her phone and always let's me know where she is at, comes right home from work etc. Last night she told me since I was so adamant at thinking she was she didn't intend to dispute what I thought as truth and let it go at that point. Will reiterate some key points of yesterday's discussion:
On her birthday she went out with her girlfriend for a quick drink after work. I exploded. (my old self) And began hounding her and when she got home I told her for the umtinth time that we shouldn't be together and we should just separate. (she told me last night that was the single most underlying fact for BD later that night)
In the past I have threatened to take the kids and leave her etc, and hitting her with that again drove her to the edge that night.
She said last night it took her so much courage to say that to the man she loves and she is so scared of being let down and has been fighting the decision since stated. She said that by forgiving and entering piecing she feels she has let down her promise to herself to not make another run at us even though she wanted to.
I validated these comments.
Between us folks I sincerely understand her position on this. For to long I have taken her for granted and mistreated her in all ways but physically.
She acknowledged my changes in actions and attitude and is holding onto hope I do not revert to my old ways while piecing/entering R.
I validated. / Reassurred.
We have the understanding moving forward baby steps will be ephanized as growth on both sides of the fence are attained. I am going to continue go 180 my past ways, and validate her emotions and feelings.
Our. Ommunicatom broke down some time ago, and we are going to get to reknow each other thru going out on kid less dates and rekindle our connection both emotionally and physically.
We have promised to speak our minds and not bottle up emotions henceforth in order to collaborate solidified growth better.
I know this will take a long time, months, even years to regain what has fallen apart, and I look forward to the start of this journey and embrace it. I know she is still quite skeptical and guarded and understand why. O will continue to journal and seek insight from everyone on this site during the course of our piecing. Thank you all. I look forward to feedback on what I should do as well. Much love folks
She said that by forgiving and entering piecing she feels she has let down her promise to herself to not make another run at us even though she wanted to.
I would say this is a good start. But piecing is about the process and the actions. Not just the words. My fear is that there are already a lot of fears and trepidation on her side based on the info you have below. You will not be perfect going forward. Nor will she. How will you navigate those periods of adversity without reverting to old habits and patterns? Please consider marriage counseling NOW to help ensure that you two stay patient and committed to your growth and to each other.
Originally Posted by Seekn
For too long I have taken her for granted and mistreated her in all ways but physically.
For example, with this kind of statement, Im worried that you will go 'too far' the opposite way and lose your identity and our attractiveness for her. As this has all happened in the span of 3 weeks, Im not sure you ever learned how to re-stand on your own. So how will you maintain your changes while keeping a firm grasp of self while not overpursuing....all while understanding that SHE is learning all of these same things at the same time. Thats why I think working with a professional to resolve these issues and help maintain your commitment to each other is vitally important.
Originally Posted by Seekn
I know this will take a long time, months, even years to regain what has fallen apart, and I look forward to the start of this journey and embrace it. I know she is still quite skeptical and guarded and understand why.
This makes me nervous that she wont/doesnt have the patience to go for weeks/months or years. Her actions will tell a lot. Hoping for the best for you.
After following your journal entries last weekend, I just want to say that I am very happy for you. Don't backslide from your 180's, don't stop reading DR book and posting here.
And don't have expectations either, she can change her mind in a couple of hours, days, or weeks. (Mine did, twice)
Good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you for the feedback. I realize odds can be stacked against us. And MC is something we have discussed and will look further into. I will continue to apply changes to myself on every way possible. Thank you.
Ovr,
Thank you for the reply. I understand nothing is set in stone, and will continue to tread lightly with regards to assumptoons. I know this will be a long journey ahead of us.
Yesterday was good, W and I have been communicating better than in awhile. Have a date night planned for Friday. Today kids, W and I are heading fishing....kids really been loving the experience and ask to go all the time lol. She has Her good and bad moments , and trying to work on this as non rushed as possible. She's been opening up a lot more about her feelings and I have been considerate and understanding of how she feels. Continuing to 180 myself have a behavioral health class on Thursday. Keeping my hopes in check and taking it a day at a time.
Working on 180, keeping busy, W and I making progress, been GAL When W is at work, relearning myself and conscious of my attitudes and actions. Still reading DB and DR, and have been listening and validating my W emotions and feelings much better than I ever have before. We have talked about MC, but at this point we are working through the process without. Doing inner searching on how to not revert to my old ways and trying to be aware of triggers which led me tosuch emotions and actions. Baby steps at this point and I understand must crawl before can walk. Have a date night planned in about ten days so W and I can have some US time as we have agreed upon the idea of relearning and getting to know eachother as we work through this process. Okay, time to GAL this afternoon while W is at work, plan to take kids out riding bikes, reorganizing our house, and continuing a new hobby or mine. Feedback appreciated, thank you in advance. Much love.
Seekn, I think your M is in a very vulnerable spot right now. Recon this soon after BD is very rare. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it can easily unravel if you fall back into old habits. Have you checked into Retrouvaille? I highly recommend it for couples that are in the beginning stages of piecing, it works wonders. It's hosted by the Catholic Church but anyone is welcome. It's not focused on religion, it's focused on strengthening marriages through improved communication.
Yes I am aware of the delicateness of our situation, and understand the obstacles we are up against. I have never heard of retrouvaillr is in an online thing? Any other suggestions for my sitch at this point?
I looked it up and see it is in certain locations throughout the US. None are within 500 miles round trip of me. Any other ideas...? Steve, hoping maybe you can chime in?
AS, the Retrouvaille program is actually in my area next weekend!
I've been reading their website. Can you share why you are so impressed with it? And if you don't mind, could you pop in my thread and maybe advise if my sitch is way too soon to consider it?
Thanks!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
