First, I know the texting with OM man thing was tough. But some ICs and MCs recommend full disclosure. I am undecided on the issue of full disclosure. I think full disclosure can do more harm than good. There is just some things the LBS never needs to know, R or not. But also I can see how it could be cathartic. I think your W's sharing it was to show she is willing to be honest, and also to show how far it went. Overall a positive.
Second, on the emotional connection. This is where MC can be huge. One of our MC's biggest initiatives was to get us to "reconnect". You are right, trying to reconnect is futile UNLESS she is willing to put in the effort. Which at least sounds like she is open too.
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I do feel really bad that at the end, I did say something like 'if or when you're willing to commit to MC, I think I'd be willing to go also'. I think that's giving her too much power?
Nothing wrong with what you said. And no it isn't GIVING her power, it is acknowledging that this is and has always been within her power. In a way that is a good thing because it shows you have no control over her being open to R. Something a lot of people get tripped up on thinking they can control and manipulate. You have recognized this is out of your control and you've let go of that.
I am not seeing a lot negative here. I understand it wasn't comfortable. And I'd also continue to take some of the things she says with a grain of salt. Did the IC really minimize the EA? Or did your W take her words and twist it to make it sound that way. We'll never know. 5 relationships have been destroyed over much less than that before.
Also I want to comment on this for other newbies' sakes:
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W also very concerned with how my friends and family perceive her now, and how she can't stand the thought of being around any of them because of what they probably think of her. She said they all think she's the villian, but they don't know the whole story about how she felt neglected for years. Add that on top of our original marital problems, PLUS now a huge trust issue, she wonders if it's just way too much stuff to overcome. She's not ruling out trying, she says the 'villian' and trust stuff is entirely her fault, but that's why this is so 'complicated' and will be so much work.
This is why I strongly advocate NOT telling others about your sitch. Your family, her family, your friends, her friends, no one else needs to know. Usually the LBS tells others hoping they'll put pressure on the WAS to stay. To shame them into staying and stopping what they are doing. However, that is STILL pressure, and pressure almost always pushes the WAS further away. AND it makes it that much harder for them to eventually comeback for the very reasons your W enumerated.
Thanks Steve. I've been hoping you'd reply.
I'll start with the friends/family stuff. I told her last week and again today that I understand why she feels that way. But honestly, and it's the truth, that I've only confided in 2 of my own friends with the whole truth. One of which lives 1500 miles away. Everyone else, I've really only said that we're having M problems. If they pressed, I'd say that we're on the fence about working on it/separating. That being said, I have no idea what my brother and SIL have told my parents, but I again assured her that my parents and family will 'go with' whatever decision I/we make. But, and it wasn't just validating, I really do understand why she'd feel like everyone hates her. The truth is though, nobody really does, and I think all relationships will be repaired in time (I did tell her this too)
I also understand her issues with me not trusting her. When we were dating 15 years ago, I was a pretty jealous person. She brought some of that on herself back then, but I was an immature idiot too. She said that in the 10 years we've been married, she's never had anything close to something like this happen. She also admitted to me and IC that she knows she's in a deep depression now.
I guess (you know me and my negativity, lol) I'm not too optimistic because it's been about 6 weeks now (I know, marathon...), and she still isn't any more sure about wanting to work on our M. I mean, she's more open to it than she was, but she said a few times about how much 'work' it would be, and she's not sure if it's worth it. She's going to continue her IC sessions. I told her that I'm going to continue to not pressure her or initiate R talks, but I'm here if she wants to talk. I also made it clear that I have issues now that I need to deal with (EA stuff).
On another note, she still isn't wearing her wedding ring, which for some reason does bother me. Oh, and she said a few ladies she works with commented to her that, due to our lack of sex this last year, they can't believe I didn't cheat on her. I wanted to say 'because I took my vows seriously', but instead I said something like, 'because 30 minutes of fun/sex was never worth losing my W, son, house, half my money and possessions, my reputation, etc '
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
