Help Please: 2

[SteveLW]

T, very positive!

First, I know the texting with OM man thing was tough. But some ICs and MCs recommend full disclosure. I am undecided on the issue of full disclosure. I think full disclosure can do more harm than good. There is just some things the LBS never needs to know, R or not. But also I can see how it could be cathartic. I think your W's sharing it was to show she is willing to be honest, and also to show how far it went. Overall a positive.

Second, on the emotional connection. This is where MC can be huge. One of our MC's biggest initiatives was to get us to "reconnect". You are right, trying to reconnect is futile UNLESS she is willing to put in the effort. Which at least sounds like she is open too.

I do feel really bad that at the end, I did say something like 'if or when you're willing to commit to MC, I think I'd be willing to go also'. I think that's giving her too much power?

Nothing wrong with what you said. And no it isn't GIVING her power, it is acknowledging that this is and has always been within her power. In a way that is a good thing because it shows you have no control over her being open to R. Something a lot of people get tripped up on thinking they can control and manipulate. You have recognized this is out of your control and you've let go of that.

I am not seeing a lot negative here. I understand it wasn't comfortable. And I'd also continue to take some of the things she says with a grain of salt. Did the IC really minimize the EA? Or did your W take her words and twist it to make it sound that way. We'll never know. 5 relationships have been destroyed over much less than that before.

Also I want to comment on this for other newbies' sakes:

W also very concerned with how my friends and family perceive her now, and how she can't stand the thought of being around any of them because of what they probably think of her. She said they all think she's the villian, but they don't know the whole story about how she felt neglected for years. Add that on top of our original marital problems, PLUS now a huge trust issue, she wonders if it's just way too much stuff to overcome. She's not ruling out trying, she says the 'villian' and trust stuff is entirely her fault, but that's why this is so 'complicated' and will be so much work.

This is why I strongly advocate NOT telling others about your sitch. Your family, her family, your friends, her friends, no one else needs to know. Usually the LBS tells others hoping they'll put pressure on the WAS to stay. To shame them into staying and stopping what they are doing. However, that is STILL pressure, and pressure almost always pushes the WAS further away. AND it makes it that much harder for them to eventually comeback for the very reasons your W enumerated.