I had to run some errands, and W texted reminding me to get dog food. I told her I will cause i'm out, then i'll be stopping for lunch. She said she'd meet me. We had lunch for an hour (although I ate next to nothing). I'm kind of upset.
She began by talking about her IC last night, and started with asking me questions about 'who told me what' regarding OM. We've been through this before, but she said she's trying to figure out if she should really be mad at our 'friends' or not. Obviously not what I cared about hearing out of the gate, but I again told her the timeline of what I was told. She again said some of it was BS, but took responsibility for what she'd done. She said her IC told her something along the lines of, 'why did everyone flip out so bad when this blew up? There was nothing physical right?' I couldn't believe an IC would say that, so I said 'she didn't think it was a big deal?' W said that IC did say it was a big deal, but just not something that should destroy 5 relationships (us, and our friends).
She then proceeded to give some disturbing details about her texts w/ OM. Nothing I didn't already assume, but did say she pursued it a little more than him. Also said one night he sent her some 'sexting' type of messages, and she played along for a bit. I about puked on the table. She still maintains he meant nothing, and she hasn't contacted him since the day this blew up, except for a text asking him to delete their texts last week. He never replied. She said she's kind of mad because he put all of this on her, and is pretending to be completely innocent. She said his last reply to her a few weeks ago was about how he was scared to death that I have people everywhere looking for him. I just grinned and said, 'he should be scared'. lol
She said IC asked if we considered MC. W said we've talked about it, but I told W that I want her to be fully committed to it before we go. IC told her 'that's hard, because a lot of MC is determining if there is a committment'. I told her I'm not expecting guaranteed results, just guaranteed effort. W says if she would go, she would do the work and give effort. W also told IC that she's been considering MC for us for the last year, but put it off because it was 'too much work'.
IC said it's really tough to get physical attraction back. W said that she is still very physically attracted to me, but the problem is there is no emotional connection. And she has no idea how to get that back, or if it's even possible. W also very concerned with how my friends and family perceive her now, and how she can't stand the thought of being around any of them because of what they probably think of her. She said they all think she's the villian, but they don't know the whole story about how she felt neglected for years. Add that on top of our original marital problems, PLUS now a huge trust issue, she wonders if it's just way too much stuff to overcome. She's not ruling out trying, she says the 'villian' and trust stuff is entirely her fault, but that's why this is so 'complicated' and will be so much work.
W told IC that she has noticed a lot of great changes in me the last few weeks. Doing more household stuff, spending even more one on one time with son, and most importantly, being nice.
I"m sure there's other stuff I missed or forgot. Essentially, we're in no better shape than before I guess. Much of it she seemed more concerned with relationships with her friends and perceptions people may have of her, then actually our relationship. And despite continuing to take responsiblity for her actions, she did try to justify things, even if a little bit. I really tried my best to validate everything. I mostly listened the whole time, and I didn't argue a single point that she made even though I was fuming about a lot of it.
I do feel really bad that at the end, I did say something like 'if or when you're willing to commit to MC, I think I'd be willing to go also'. I think that's giving her too much power?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
