Mrs JLS journey to saving the marriage

[SteveLW]

JLS, I usually say 1 step forward 1 step back, or 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Especially with each "slip" we make. Your first post above is why we say just listen and validate. Once you get in a tit-for-tat they will start to get defensive, start justifying. The worst part about that is it reminds them of why they want out of the R to begin with. Your goal should be to make them forget that. When they talk about the R, listen and validate. That 180 right there will make them go "Hmmmm, something is different." I know it is hard, because when they start talking about things that happened in the past YOU get defensive. But remember, each time you have a chance to react it you need to take a breath, think about what you are about to say, and ask "is this going to help me or hurt me in goals".

But yes do not beat yourself up. The key takeaway from it is to be prepared for R talks at all time with ready to LISTEN and VALIDATE. Have validation statements at the ready. One of my favorites is "You know, I never thought about it that way before, thanks for that perspective." Notice, validation statements are not agreeing or disagreeing with what they are saying, but merely showing them you empathize. The beauty of this is that there is no back-and-forth, he said, she said. Just a "I understand how you feel." And then move on. They feel like they were heard and you've done no damage to the R.

Hang in there, keep GAL and 180ing. And detach.