Coly, I understand what everyone else is saying, but if you have not been able to detach, you can't beat yourself up or just demand to yourself, "DETACH!" It's a long slow journey with tiny eensy bits of progress. I suspect if you think of how you were around BD or read old journals (but don't, because what a huge upsetting time suck!), you can rest assured that you are way more detached than you were then. You are as detached as you are able to be right now. You will become more detached too, but maybe it won't happen so fast, and maybe half the time you will feel these backward pulls and just want your husband to love you as he used to. Today I had some highs and then I got hit hard while watching my daughter swim in the bay at sunset thinking of how my H was here with us last year and I thought he was coming back, and it was so much nicer than this trip (we do it every year with my dad) is this year, in fact, this year the trip was awful and upsetting 50% of the time. And I got so sad. It happens. Then you get back up on the horse and sometimes you can even detach really well.

I don't believe detachment is possible except as a grace from God. I have to pray for it all day everyday, and start the battle over again a lot. For those of us who don't want to D and won't initiate one, it remains deeply painful. I can see how "moving on" makes it easier. It's why they call it a cross to bear. The question is if you can make meaning out of it and willingly accept the pain because you have a reason to carry it. My reason is God, and so most of the time I am very clear on the meaning of my choice.

DB-ing is a great tool but it's a process, not a river you cross once and that's it, you are cured.

I know a lot of people here do it by sheer force of will but my will is not that powerful. I pray for God's peace, and sometimes I receive that grace, and sometimes I just long for my husband and can't ignore the fact that most of my life with my kids is like walking around with 1-2 limbs lopped off.

My vote for you is that you keep looking at how far you have come, not how far you have to go. Maybe it's beautiful that you still love your husband and long for his love. It hurts you a lot, and that's why everyone wants you to detach, because we hate to see each other hurting, but I am one who knows that it's gonna hurt to stand for your marriage.

I do think though that you can zip your lips. You can feel all these feelings and never let your H know. You'll feel a power and a peace in that.

And you also can battle the motivation of bitterness and despair -- if those feelings are motivating your actions, you may not be able to banish the feeling right away but you can refuse to act on those feelings and use the power of your mind to figure out what you would do if you were motivated by acceptance or even forgiveness instead. Keeping the news of the exam from H was way more trouble than just texting back, "She did great" or "Not so good but better luck next year." You can see it as a blessing that he wanted to know something about her, you can see it as a blessing that he did make contact on your birthday, even if it's not the way you wanted. You don't need to punish him, God or the universe will handle that. I posted something on Gordie's thread about speaking life instead of death over your M, maybe you can read that though it's faith-based.

But no matter how you see it, I do think you can use the sheer force of will not to give evil for evil. You can want to give evil and not be able to get rid of that desire, but you don't have to act on it. You can answer him politely and then go cry in the forest for a good long while.

You are doing just fine. It hurts. It really hurts. You are detached a lot of the time. Forgive yourself for when you can't do it, and know that there is a beauty to the love you still feel.

((((COLY))))))

Last edited by Gerda; 08/29/18 04:14 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.