Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

Hi all. I'm resurrecting this thread because the title is still apropos.

Quick recap of my sitch:

BD on 5/27/16 (2 years and 3 months ago)
In-house separation started on 11/24/16 (6 months later)
Nesting started on 6/12/17 (7 months later)
W moves out 1/8/18 (6 months later)
Living on my own as a part-time, single parent (7 months an counting)

Nothing has been filed.
House has been refinanced in my name. W received a cash payout.
Joint physical custody, close to 50/50 (technically 43/57... one extra overnight for her since I work full time)
Monthly child support payment from me. All other child expenses split 60/40.
No other joint finances or debts.

A couple months ago my W made her new relationship public to me in a family counseling session. We were both aware that I knew about it since it started back in October of 2016 but I think her new relationship status became "official" because she wanted to legitimize the inclusion of our kids into the time she spends with her new man. In the session she told me that he offered to talk to me about the situation... I suppose this was their attempt to make me feel more comfortable about him spending time with my kids. I declined the invitation. I'm not ready to play nice with him. Probably a selfish decision on my part.

Since going public our kids have had a lot of exposure to her new man and his older kids (16 and 21). They have dinner together on a weekly basis and just recently spent 4 days at the beach together. Without any provocation, my kids tell me things about him. Most of them are things I don't like, but nothing that is cause for concern. I try very hard to not say anything disparaging about him to my kids, but it's very difficult.

On the flip side, I've dipped my toes in the dating pool a few times and felt very uncomfortable. I've met women with kids in similar situations as mine and there's a temptation there to move quickly into a new relationship. But I think it's primarily for the convenience of having someone to lighten the parenting load and provide comfort during the lonely times. And that's not a good enough reason for me to introduce a new person into my kids' lives. If I start a new relationship with someone I want it to be because I really like them, not because they can make my life easier. So I think the dating thing will remain on hold for a while.

The 3 of us just got back from a week at the beach. This was the second year that we went without my W and it was just as difficult to manage everything as it was last year. There were a few moments when I lost my cool and I put a pretty big dent in a bottle of bourbon, but overall we had a great time, made a lot of fond memories, and kept a few summer traditions alive.

Although there wasn't much of it, I spent most of my quiet time at the beach journaling, thinking about my marriage, and how I feel about my W now that more than 2 years have passed since the BD. I still love her very much. And it's extremely hard to admit that to myself when I consider all of the crappy things that she's done to sabotage our relationship and disrespect me. But when all my defenses are down, that's the raw truth. I'm not over it.

This feeling of limbo is difficult to live with. I don't like the woman that she's become. I don't think it's possible to repair our relationship right now even if we both wanted to. I enjoy my newfound free time and I don't want to give it back. And yet, she's still the first and last thing I think about every day. I'm still attached to her words and actions. I still behave as if I'm trying to impress her or influence her thinking. I miss her very much.

If anyone with fresh wounds is reading this, the only thing I can say is that I don't think detachment is something you can actively work on to accelerate. All of the advice given by the vets on this board encourage newcomers to detach and start living your life for yourself. This *IS* good advice, but I think the detachment aspect is more a of "fake it until you make it" thing. Your feelings don't need to dictate your actions.

True detachment seems to come automatically when enough time has passed. When I think about old girlfriends that caused me serious heartbreak, I'm fully detached. I don't care where they are or what they're up to and nothing about them influences my current thoughts or behaviors. But this isn't the case with my W right now. And despite all of the energy I expend trying to move on, I think there is a part of me that needs to remain in heartbreak mode for a little longer.