I personally think you are a lovely, smart, and probably beautiful lady with an exceptionally kind heart who really, really loves her daughter and her husband and does not want to be divorced.
I think there is a difference between letting someone go and divorcing them. I do think some of them need the divorce. I don't get the impression yours does. I don't think mine does either. I'm pretty sure the OW pressured him and I was goading him because I was so sick of limbo.
Some people handle limbo ok. I did not. I don't think you do either.
How can you think he has no consequences? He is away from the people who love him and his home. I've never gotten the impression from you that he is living it up. Why does he need to have a consequence? Would him hurting more help you? I don't think it would.
I can only tell you that when I stopped caring whether mine came back or not and realized that my life is going to be on a certain and different trajectory either way, I felt so much better. I think control is a big thing with me. I had to let go of the idea that I have any control over the outcome and just be the me I want to be. I will never again agonize over whether he is going to come back or not. If he ever does, I'll look him in the eye and decide my action in that moment.
I read on another site that they wanted their H to be happy, just not happier than them. I don't even want mine to be happy. I would be ok with healthy or alive. I don't know if that is spiteful or just real.
I think for you, the key is to lose those expectations. They are killing you. If you didn't have them, you could invite him over or to do something. You could not care if he said yes or no. You could just enjoy his company and send him off when it was over. You could not expect to hear from him again and be happy if you did. You could invite him to do something else. You could let him go without snippy comments, or showing the pain all over your face.
So hard for someone like you who has one that doesn't monster, isn't irresponsible, throws nothing in your face, isn't pressing divorce, etc. That is why he reminds me always of Westo's. But, I also think he must be a more scared kitten than most. Maybe he does come around to see if you are ready to be more forgiving. Who knows.
Until you stop expecting so much, I just think you are not going to get anything. You still don't get that letting them go doesn't mean wishing them away, or divorcing them or closing your heart to them. It just means living for you. Making yourself happy. Controlling what you can and letting everything else go.
