Newbie: W wants Separation in coming weeks

[klau]

She brought up the R talk. I just listened...which is a 180 for me.

Agree with the interaction. The therapist homework of 5 minutes of talk a day has been tough. W wants it to be R talk. good thing is I know nothing I say in those convos is going to help me so I'm just listening and she's ok with that.

Most years for our anniversary we've kept it fairly low key spending it with the kids usually on a weekend getaway since it's over labor day. I tend to be the one that plans the logistics of the trip and dinner that evening etc. We rarely exchange gifts...usually just relax and spend time together.

She's gone from pretty much zero contact in the last two weeks to having conversations with me over this weekend. So I'm nervous that I have an opening over this weekend to make an impact. I feel like counseling session Tuesday will hopefully give me some better insight.

[Ready2Change]

She brought up the R talk. I just listened...which is a 180 for me.

Perfect. Did you gain any new insights?

Most years for our anniversary we've kept it fairly low key spending it with the kids usually on a weekend getaway since it's over labor day. I tend to be the one that plans the logistics of the trip and dinner that evening etc. We rarely exchange gifts...usually just relax and spend time together.

Might be a good idea to wait until she brings it up. If she was the planner, a different approach might work.

[klau]

insight I gained was just how hurt she really is with how we have been communicating. We've been in a bad cycle for the last year where one of us says something which leads to bickering, she escalates it, then I get defensive...it just goes in circles. She has really felt that I'm attacking her and disrespecting her. I guess it's true that I've been harsh.

I get defensive, because I always feel like I'm under attack. I know that makes me quick with the trigger and she feels attacked.

She does seem to be working herself up to work on the R, but she is very emotional and her natural reaction is to run away. She doesn't trust that I (we) can change.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Klau,

I just got caught up reading everything here and had a few thoughts.

Getting a MC in L.A.? Or any part of CA? I'd be so scared of that in itself! I was in San Diego 14 years ago for some job training, that was the first time I saw gas pricing starting with a "2".

Seems like you're getting the point on listening, validating, and avoiding R talk. Good.

Get back in your bed, be the man. That doesn't mean you're smarter and better than anyone, but the man has a role to play and even feminists are statistically more attracted to manly men. Numbers don't lie. If you're afraid of her saying you abused her somehow, record your interactions.

Don't fear her leaving. If she says you need to leave or else she will, then let her leave. She may be bluffing, and maybe not. Either way do not abandon the home. If she runs off with the kids maybe you have a super secret GPS on her car or something, I dunno. Is this a real concern?

You have to kick your communication out of "Auto-Pilot". Those cycles where you have the same fight over and over again got you here, so 180 on that.

When she talks R, you validate, you listen. If you need clarification or better understanding, ask questions. Women love to feel like you care about what they are saying. Also, realize that people, her included, can feel more than one way about things. If she seems to be flip flopping, don't bust her chops over that. I say that because it's something I have done.

And why shouldn't she be fearful the you/we won't change? It's been this way for a while right? So you have to show her it can change, not convince it can.

Good luck and I want my Rams back...

[Ready2Change]

insight I gained was just how hurt she really is with how we have been communicating. We've been in a bad cycle for the last year where one of us says something which leads to bickering, she escalates it, then I get defensive...it just goes in circles.

Your job is to "listen" to understand. Listen with enthusiasm. Learn as much as you can about this woman. She is not who you believe she is. Challenge your belief system.

She does seem to be working herself up to work on the R, but she is very emotional and her natural reaction is to run away. She doesn't trust that I (we) can change.

Make it "safe" for her to vent. Make it "safe" for her to be emotional. You are the "Rock". Turn your "scary" emotions OFF.

[Ready2Change]

Don't fear her leaving. If she says you need to leave or else she will, then let her leave. She may be bluffing, and maybe not. Either way do not abandon the home.

Agree. Women will test you. PASS the test.

When she talks R, you validate, you listen. If you need clarification or better understanding, ask questions. Women love to feel like you care about what they are saying.

Well said.

So you have to show her it can change

Keep showing change. LEAD her through this most difficult time....

[klau]

Hi Klau,
Getting a MC in L.A.? Or any part of CA? I'd be so scared of that in itself! I was in San Diego 14 years ago for some job training, that was the first time I saw gas pricing starting with a "2".

Yeah- La La Land is fun. My commute is 70 miles a day and my kids school is 10 miles from the house. we're all crazy living here.

Get back in your bed, be the man. That doesn't mean you're smarter and better than anyone, but the man has a role to play and even feminists are statistically more attracted to manly men.

I hear ya...need to execute on that one.

Don't fear her leaving. If she says you need to leave or else she will, then let her leave. She may be bluffing, and maybe not. Either way do not abandon the home. If she runs off with the kids maybe you have a super secret GPS on her car or something, I dunno. Is this a real concern?.

I'm not leaving if it comes to that unless we really work through a plan, but at the moment my mind is on working hard to make it work. I don't think she would take the kids and run...not her style.

You have to kick your communication out of "Auto-Pilot". Those cycles where you have the same fight over and over again got you here, so 180 on that.

When she talks R, you validate, you listen. If you need clarification or better understanding, ask questions. Women love to feel like you care about what they are saying. Also, realize that people, her included, can feel more than one way about things. If she seems to be flip flopping, don't bust her chops over that. I say that because it's something I have done.

And why shouldn't she be fearful the you/we won't change? It's been this way for a while right? So you have to show her it can change, not convince it can.

All good points. ok. I'm going to dig in.

[klau]

Make it "safe" for her to vent. Make it "safe" for her to be emotional. You are the "Rock". Turn your "scary" emotions OFF.

That's good advice. I'm trying really hard at listening and validating. Your point on 'turn off the "scary" emotions' is spot on.

Off the MC...more to come.

[klau]

Well here's the latest. We to MC and it was a mixed bag. On the one hand she's more open to 'giving love a chance' and it seems my 'validating' sessions have worked because she feels she's been heard. My 180's seemed to have been noticed too. On the other hand every other issue we've ever had came up and was thrown in my face.

Our anniversary is Monday. She does not want to do anything. The therapist suggested we try and 'have fun' together and with the kids. W has agreed to spend time together on Labor day as a family.

Last night got a little heated. I came upset to find D9 upset. I was just with her for an hour and she was in a great mood talking about some new friends at new school. i asked what happened and W started to tell me D9 is really anxious because of the new school. I know one of my 180's is around these conversations. I always tend to take the opposing side and it pisses her off. I was aware of it and intended to agree with my W. I think the new school is much more rigid with policies and such so I do think it could be making D9 anxious. BUT, the first thing out of my mouth was 'that's too bad, she was in a good mood before she came up'....foot in mouth. I didn't even get to the part where I was going to agree with her. W said 'you see what your doing?...this is the cycle you need to break...I don't want to talk to you' and stormed off.

I know there will be bad interactions, but still stressful especially since had I gotten my sentence out if would have been a good 180. oh well.

[Ready2Change]

Well here's the latest. Went to MC and it was a mixed bag. On the one hand she's more open to 'giving love a chance' and it seems my 'validating' sessions have worked because she feels she's been heard. My 180's seemed to have been noticed too.

Feeling heard is big. Keep learning and applying listening skills.

On the other hand every other issue we've ever had came up and was thrown in my face.

Let them roll off like water. Put your "rain coat on" and keep listening.

Our anniversary is Monday. She does not want to do anything. The therapist suggested we try and 'have fun' together and with the kids. W has agreed to spend time together on Labor day as a family.

Enjoy. Have a good plan and execute.