Hoosjim's 16th. Looks like we're piecing, folks.

[hoosjim]

Hey all. Busy busy busy. Both boys off to college, now, but wow was it a chore. S1 had apartment and landlord issues that had to be resolved, as well as an extremely ambitious work schedule that we were constantly having to work around, and also the overhang of a reckless driving ticket we were trying to resolve. S2, starting his first year at college, needed all the things that go along with that, plus had to get his points of contact and accommodations set up with the school (this is the one who has a very profound case of Tourette Syndrome with comorbidities.) Phew!

So, there are things to report, some good, some not so good.

W and i still have not gotten back to see counselor (no time) though that is going to happen next week, i think. ((Pending confirmation relating to all of our schedules.)

MR between W and i very good to excellent until yesterday (more on that in a second.) We hold hands and sit close wherever we go, hang out, flirt, send each other notes at work, do nice little things for each other, call and text often, etc. In terms of sex, that has tailed off a bit from right after the initial "honeymoon" period, though still regular and each of us have been an "initiator" in that regard. I still get episodes/days where i worry because i perceive a pullback or that things are a little less warm than what has become "normal", but i need to get over that. For her part, she says she has not felt any different and does not think there have been any "pullbacks." Hard to say objectively who is "right", here, although there have definitely been a couple of evenings where i have been "amorous" but she has been "shy" (although still continuing with the jokey/lighthearted banter. She continues to get "dressed up for me" putting on dresses and outfits that really make her look great and which she knows i like. I have not had any "alarm bells" go off or seen any of the signs she used to show when something suspicious was up. She continues to talk about and plan for a future with me, most notably in terms of housing where we continue to look for a house outside of the immediate suburbs of our current city but still within (long) commuting distance.

A couple of specific noteworthy items:

1) We went to her annual "employee appreciation" party for the doctor's office where she works. This is the second straight work function she has invited me to and i have gone to with her (Christmas party was first.) It was, of all places, at the house (mansion/estate is more like it) of the doctor at her office with whom i was worried that she was getting too close (reference my past posts for discussion of the after work "wine downs.") I was of course on heightened alert, and did not notice any untoward contact or hanging out with said doctor. She and i were "with" each other approximately 50% of the time, with the other time spent circulating the party and talking with others we knew. What i did notice is this: In some respects, she and this other girl from her office (the very christian one who is also this same doctor's secretary) appear to be this doctor's closest "friends" in the office. We (Me, W, and W's gf also docs secretary) were last three to leave the party... i followed W's lead and we all hung around to help clean up. This is not unusual at all for my W, who is overly helpful and pretty much always ends up being the last to leave any party because she wants to help clean up (weird, i know.) In this instance, it was more likely to occur, IMO, because doctors W got a bit too tipsy (remember she has a drinking problem) and retired to the bedroom before party was over. At any rate, two things came out of this that i noticed: a) I am now part of the "circle" that is hip to doc's wife's drinking problems. He referred to them somewhat openly when i was sitting at the table with my W and the other girl shortly after doc's W retired, and doc's secretary assured him "we're watching out for her." b) when leaving, my W and doc did "hug" each other, but it was one of those side "buddy" hugs as opposed to the frontal hug he got at Christmas... before W and i had our full reconcilliation. Was hard to tell if he was gunning for more but my W clearly was in "side hug" only mode. Still not sure i trust doc's motives, especially since, a few weeks back in response to my W's question of "so how's it going" (she meant it non-specifically as most people do who ask that), doc said "Oh, there's good days and bad days" and launched into a brief description of his and his W's current struggles with his W's alcoholism. Fire away.

2) The Bad Thing... particularly in light of having just been to doc's house and seeing all of his affluent lifestyle on full display: I had to come clean with my W about a financial matter that i had been hiding from her... to the tune of the low 5 figures.You may or may not recall from my early posts that i made some references to "crashing the finances" earlier in our marriage, part and parcel to the dot.com crash in the early 2000s. It was bad. I went from a modest five-figure portfolio courtesy mostly of gifted securities from my somewhat wealthy grandparents to over $100K in the hole due to margin. I was devestated, and it in no small part (along with my health issues) led to a huge loss of confidence and self-esteem that no doubt impacted my W's view of me over the years. At the time, i copped to what i had done, but minimized the amount (by about half... I just couldn't bring myself to say the phrase "lost One HUNDRED thousand.) I thought i could hide it, i thought i could take care of it. I hoped my family's business or my Grandparent's wealth would, in the end, allow me to liquidate it... but it didn't. Grandma and Grandpa bought into a number of ill-advised "life insurance" related products instead of setting aside wealth directly for their children and grandchildren, all of which products ended up being almost valueless to their estate (Grandpa was the second to pass away of the two in 2011). Further, after Grandpa retired from daily control of the business, everything started going to hell. In short, there would be and will be no rescue from that debt from my family's assets--- my Mom will be lucky to have enough to cover her living and medical expenses for the remainder of her life, let alone have enough to help out her children. (Dont get me wrong on this: I do not and have not ever felt "entitled" to any of this. Quite the contrary-- i studiously avoided getting involved in the family business or relying on it in terms of my own career choices. I did not anticipate or even want "wealth"-- just to have a decent job and be largely debt-free. I did, however, make what turned out to be some very wrong assumptions about the future trajectory of the family fortunes when telling myself "I can cover this".) At any rate, that extra debt ended up getting moved around from loan to loan, credit card to credit card, largely out of my W's eyes. I just couldn't bear to tell her, to crush any dreams she had of future comfort, travel, etc... and my confidence was shot. Later, when our MR was on the rocks, and separation (at least) seemed likely, i had recovered my confidence and self esteem and was turning my life around but was like "Eff it, this is my debt, she doesn't need to know about it, and it wont help your case for reconciling to drop this bomb while she's in the throes of an affair." When reconcilliation started in MArch/April, i still didn't trust the relationship's strength enough to reveal it. It's probably fair to say i did not trust her or her reaction either. (I told her as much yesterday.) Several times in the past weeks i have wanted to tell her, but then it seems like i always run into a situation where she is saying "look at this really beautiful house! this could be us!" or her getting excited about some other expenditure or even about a savings or budgeting plan and... i just couldnt bring myself to squelch/squash her dreams. (I told her this much today.) It all came out after i came back from work yesterday. The gas had been turned off for non-payment with a notice on the door showing the $1200 payment due, i had a bill for $100 unpaid parking ticket they were withholding from my tax refund (which was larger than i had told her so i could apply it to the debt), and one of the colleges had prematurely disbursed our Plus loan, triggering interest accrual, etc. I lost it, and, after pleading and cajoling with gas company on phone to accept half now half later, i sat her down and told her, prefacing it with "You were honest and told me everything, now I am going to tell you everything... and we're going to find out how strong this MR is". So i held her hand, and i told her. She didn't like it. She drew her hand away towards the end. She said "So this is just like before" (when i withdrew and kept things to myself and didn't tell her) and i said "No, i am not despondent and forlorn, now. Now I'm just pissed off that i have to keep dealing with the aftermath of this same sin, over and over and over. Yes, i effed up, and i know it. But i've been trying my ass off to get out of this debt for years, and they just don't make it easy-- the whole system seems set up to KEEP you in crushing debt once youre there. And, i'm going to say this and i don't want you to take it the wrong way, but for a while there i didn't know if i could trust you and our relationship enough to tell you... i am still not back to 100% trust in us, I still, particularly where there is some sort of pullback, or you are not as warm as you usually are, i still have that little doubt creep in: "What's wrong? Is she drifting away?"" To which she replied: "Im surprised and a little hurt to hear you say that. There is no doubt in me.. I have felt the same way every day all day for the past four months. I don't think there have been any pullbacks." And then: "I am going to need some time to process this, but right now, i want to see everything... all of the accounts, all of the debts and have it written down for me." So, we did that, and she looked at it, clearly shaken. We talked about what to pay off, and agreed to use our HELOC to pay off one of the "secret" card/loans and then go from there.

I will say this-- she has never been completely open to the idea that "Things are not great for us financially" or that "we need to have a budget and a spending plan and control what we spend." While my screw up is what underlies this mess, it was not helped...scratch that... it was certainly exacerbated by our lack of a written budget and our undisciplined spending through the years, as well as, of course, by our huge medical expenses. She always wanted a "quick fix" before, and it just cant happen. Seeing it all on paper for her last night was an eye opener. At any rate, later, after i had gone up to change, she came up and gave me a long hug. I had been changing to go on a walk but she said "Let's go over that account list one more time, and then write that thank you weve been putting off and then call the boys and see how they're doing. So, we sat in bed and did those things, and then i got up and said "Im going on my walk." to which she replied "Still?" and i said "Yes... my feelings and attitude about this whole thing right now are really dark and unhealthy in some respects... I am still very angry about it, at myself and just at the whole situation. I need to walk and pray and clear my head" and she said "Cant you do that here" to which i replied "You told me a couple of days ago you needed to be alone, so i let you (She had had a fight with S1 a couple of days before departure and was in tears after he stormed out), and now that's what i need", so she said okay and i left. when i got back about 45 minutes later she was asleep. I prepped and got into bed and tried to cozy up to her some, but she was in an awkward position and had a bit of the pillow between us. Later i shifted over onto my back... she did not seek me out during the night as she has been prone to do recently when i'd roll away from her.

This morning we got up, she was warm, still kissed me good bye and said ILY... She called me from car on way to work and we talked some more, which is where i said "It wasn't all about not trusting you, and i shouldn't have implied that. A year ago? Yes... as far as i was concerned then it was my debt, my problem, and we might be splitting up so no reason for me to tell yoiu, none of your business, and i certainly didn't think it would help any reconcilliation process. More recently, though, i have wanted to tell you but haven't... seems like something always happens where you are "dreaming" or thinking about the future and i just didn't want to "squash" that.

We've talked again once since then. She seems a little reserved (things are hard at work right now, too, but i am sure she's pissed at/disappointed in me... who wouldn't be.) I told her this just reinforced with me that we should still be talking to MC and she said "yeah, i guess that would be okay." (Though she did not sound all that enthusiastic)

All thoughts welcome.