Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

old thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2799485&page=11


Previous post

Steve,

I hear what you are saying. I think you may be a little harsh in saying "addicted to the feeling of being wanted and needed" but I get where you are coming from. I think a desire for intimacy and connection isn't necessarily unhealthy. However, I also have always seen dating in a different light. I dated for 13 years before meeting my W. I was definitely looking for a serious relationship at least halfway through that time but I also enjoyed the process of going out and meeting new and interesting people and hearing their stories without much in the way of expectations. Perhaps it is completely different as a 40 year old, but I think a lot of it is how you frame it in your head.

Whether or not I am ready for it is a great question and one that I struggle with. Perhaps that struggle is an indication that I am not. We'll see. I think everything will come into focus with a little more time.

I went to the gym last night and saw the W there. At first I wasn't sure it was her as she was a distance away and I have only seen her once in the last 3 months, but it was definitely her. It probably wasn't DBing but I just completely ignored her for the hour and a half I was there, and she didn't approach me either. At the time, I didn't know if I could be civil to her, I felt like I might tell her to "F#$k off" or otherwise express the resentment that I talked about in my previous message. I felt like that might not be the most productive strategy. It's strange how I have gone from wanting to see her at any chance, to not really wanting to see her, to actively ignoring her. Thankfully the space is large enough that we didn't have to cross paths.

[arsh18]

It probably wasn't DBing but I just completely ignored her for the hour and a half I was there, and she didn't approach me either. At the time, I didn't know if I could be civil to her, I felt like I might tell her to "F#$k off" or otherwise express the resentment that I talked about in my previous message. I felt like that might not be the most productive strategy.

I often feel we are on a predictable journey, from the various threads I read and the timelines, we cycle through denial, depression then the anger sets in and we go through cycles of this amidst gaining slow acceptance. I think it is wise to avoid her if you feel you might not even be able to be civil. Remember you may not feel this angry in just a few days, the cycles are unpredictable. Just focus on yourself, you dont want to ever show her she still has power over you. Anger is not detachment, its a step in the process I think.

[Davide]

For sure. Anger/Resentment is not detachment at all, it is an emotional reaction. I think of it like riding a wave that is heading in to shore, at first it comes crashing down and the force is overwhelming but as you approach acceptance and detachment it peters out like the tide gently lapping up against the shoreline. The other ocean metaphor that seems appropriate to me is that the emotions are like a riptide, the more you struggle against them and fight the worse it gets and the more likely you are to drown. You have to just float and surrender and let the tide take you where it will.

[Davide]

Just a little journaling.

My BD was in early April and in the nearly 5 months since then I saw my W a total of 4 times, all but one of those being scheduled meetings. Our contact has been non-existent. Part of that was my two month trip but even when I was in town, and living in the same neighborhood we never crossed paths. Then on Friday we both ended up at the gym at the same time. Saturday, we crossed paths out on the street as I was going out to dinner. Sunday I came home from a bike ride and she was still out with the dog, and brought him back as I was watering the garden. Monday, I was riding my bike home from dinner, and she rode by me with a female friend with yoga mats. The last time on the bike, I said hi, mainly because the word was coming out of my mouth before I could even see who was on the bike.

It is just weird, and completely coincidental. I certainly don't read anything into it, but it does put her in my mind more. I think I prefer the lack of contact. It is much easier to not give her any of my mental space when I don't need to see her. Is that ignoring the problem, a healthy step towards detachment, or both?

[Davide]

Journaling,

My mood has spiraled downward this week. Things have been rough at work and I feel constantly exhausted both physically and mentally. Dealing with pre-teens all day long is stressful and I am struggling to muster the energy necessary to handle them. Things are not going well, and that is leading me to feel worse about myself. I know that I should cut down on the exercise, but those are the only moments of my day that I feel good and present, and allow for socialization.

How much this is related to the stress of interacting with W recently, I don't know. It is certainly related to my sitch. I talked with my IC today, and he was concerned enough to ask me about getting on meds, but I'd still rather not.

Last night I came home from a (great) bike ride with friends and found a note from the W. It was an attempt to be sweet and thoughtful, reminding me that if I ever need anyone to talk to for any reason that I can always count on her. She called me "beloved, always" as well. It really just generated anger as I have come to see the disconnect between her words and her actions. If love is a choice and an action, she has clearly chosen not to love me. Similarly, I always counted on her (too much) and turned to her to talk about everything, but she left and isn't there for me. I very clearly can't count on her. It pissed me off because of the hypocrisy and also because it seems like an obvious attempt on her part to assuage her guilt while just putting me in a worse mood for having to deal with these emotions.

[Maika]

Hey man, I feel ya on the downward spiral! $hit like that happens but the frequency drops over time and you have better times than being down in the dumps. Exercising sounds great and you seem to have a handle on that, but what are you doing to relax and recover? Not sure if you tried meditation or are still doing it, but it has been hands down one of the best things for me for recovery and stress relief. I was having a bad day with knots and tension in my gut after having an interaction with W, and I just took 15 mins to meditate and process the emotions and the physical sensations.

What I learned recently about meditation and why it is so effective is that when you start focusing on your breath, the breathing sends a signal to your mind and body that you are in a safe space. Only in safe spaces do we have relaxed breathing. And that allows the body and mind to release whatever tension it is feeling.

The 15 minutes of meditation allowed me to stop having that queasy sensation in my gut and when I finished, my mental state was more alert and I was feeling positive. I went right back to my work and crushed it.

I am a big proponent of it. My technique is simple, focus on your breath in and out. Any thoughts that come, I just push them out and refocus on the breath. I then pay attention to how my body is feeling and then focus on that sensation as it feels when I inhale and exhale. When I was meditating, every time I exhaled and inhaled, my gut would tremble and it wasn't a clean continuous breath. I focused on that and in 15 mins, I was able to let that tremble go away and become more relaxed. Now I meditate every evening and if I am stressed at work, I take a 15 min break and recenter myself.

Also, you're on point about actions not words. Words are cheap. I don't rely on my W for anything outside of things we need to do for the kids. Take ownership and control of your life completely and it will free you. Let her try and assuage her guilt - actions matter, not words.

[Davide]

Thanks for the response Maika! It's great to hear from you again.

Yeah, I have been doing meditation. On the mornings I don't go to yoga I wake up at 5:30, take a cold shower, and then do a 10 minute meditation focusing completely on my breath. Yesterday I did a second one in the afternoon after work because I felt so close to a breakdown. I also try to do it at least once a day on the weekends. Even when I am out walking or doing anything I will often focus on taking a few good, deep breaths in order to focus my mind.

I am definitely all about taking ownership of my life. Right now, when I am at a low point it feels like owning a POS junker, it's all mine but the AC is busted and wheels are about to fall off and the muffler is dragging on the ground.

[Maika]

Yeh I am following some sitch's here and I'd like to see how things are going with you. I am not posting much and I am not as active as before - taking more time offline to do life and keep on the journey.

That's awesome that meditation is working for you. I've been doing it for a while and I completely realize right now that it is a coping mechanism for me. From what I hear though that over time, it stops becoming a coping mechanism to a truly transformative practice that creates a more stress-free and relaxed life affecting all areas. I am looking forward to getting there in the next few months.

Sounds like you're still doing emotional recovery work though, which seems about right from your timeline. I was feeling very similar to how you are feeling and doing things but still was getting these negative spirals. I realized that my emotional recovery was suffering and I wasn't paying as much attention to it as I should have. So, I doubled down on it more and things are slowly improving. Not dramatically, but I am getting better.

My issue was that I didn't have a roadmap for the emotional recovery. With exercise and stress relief, the actions are fairly easy to figure out and what you prefer to do. With emotional recovery I was all over the map and I didn't know if I was at the right point, reflecting and asking myself the right questions. After some research, I came across this book called 'Claim your Power' by Mastin Kipp. I heard an interview with him, scoped out his social media and some of his free content, and I really liked what he was saying. It resonated with the emotional work that I need to do. So, I picked up his book 'Claim your Power' and it is a 40 day journey towards emotional recovery and fitness.

I am on day 23 right now and it has been hugely helpful. It helped me structure my recovery and also build on insights and realizations. There were a couple of things that I figured out that were truly amazing. I am not religious at all, and his approach has an aspect of connecting with the Creator. I believe he left it general for people of any faith or people like me to be able to access his work without being repulsed by it. So, I generally kinda don't pay attention to that aspect of it, but everything else has been very very good.

Even though I am not so hot about the Creator stuff in his book, I just approached the whole process with an open heart and that has been quite instrumental for my recovery.

Just a suggestion. Check it out and see if it is something that connects with you.

[AnotherStander]

My mood has spiraled downward this week. Things have been rough at work and I feel constantly exhausted both physically and mentally. Dealing with pre-teens all day long is stressful and I am struggling to muster the energy necessary to handle them. Things are not going well, and that is leading me to feel worse about myself. I know that I should cut down on the exercise, but those are the only moments of my day that I feel good and present, and allow for socialization.

Noooo don't cut down on the parts that are keeping you sane! We all have those moments where we feel overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, when it happens I just pull back and remind myself that my time here is limited and no one is going to give a flying shitola in 100 years if I left work early to lift weights or if I skipped mowing the yard to work on my art. This is YOUR life!!! Take care of your responsibilities, but REWARD yourself too.

I talked with my IC today, and he was concerned enough to ask me about getting on meds, but I'd still rather not.

I hear you, I really hate taking any kind of meds. I don't even like taking allergy medicine or ibuprofin. But I did take A/D's for a while, and they helped immensely. After a few months when I was back on track I weaned off of them (with approval of my doc) so it doesn't have to be a long term thing.

Last night I came home from a (great) bike ride with friends and found a note from the W. It was an attempt to be sweet and thoughtful, reminding me that if I ever need anyone to talk to for any reason that I can always count on her. She called me "beloved, always" as well. It really just generated anger as I have come to see the disconnect between her words and her actions.

Just take it for what it was, a nice note. Don't try to read anything evil into it. You don't have to respond or reply to it, just read it and dismiss it. I see this a lot here where a WAS tries to extend the olive branch and it just makes the LBS angry. That is a huge roadblock to future recon and also to the personal recovery of the LBS. She does something mean, you get angry. She does something nice, you get angry. Detachment is the OPPOSITE of that. She does something mean you are happy. She does something nice you are happy. Because her actions don't matter to your well being. Right?

[Davide]

AnotherStander,

Thanks for chiming in. In terms of exercise, when I talk about cutting back it is more about physical exhaustion. I am commuting to work 16 miles round trip each day on my bike and it is extremely hot, humid and hilly where I am. Doing hot yoga at 6 a.m. 3 days a week and climbing for 1.5-2 hours 3 days a week (with another 10 mile round trip on the bike), and doing 2 18-25 mile group bike rides a week, is leaving me physically exhausted. All the energy I expend in my classes doesn't help either. I get it, the exercise and socialization should be and is a priority for me. I just don't know that I can keep it up like I have been trying to do.

In terms of the note, first and foremost I recognize that I am not totally detached because I did have a reaction to it. I didn't melt down, but it hurt. Three months ago that would have left me in a puddle of tears. I think I am progressing. I tried to sit with my reaction (anger) and process where it was coming from. I didn't try to assign any evil intent to her message. She meant well by it. She has been sweet, concerned for me, and guilt-ridden throughout this whole process. That has been constant throughout. However, her pity and professions of caring for me do rouse feelings of anger because they don't align with her actions. I'll be happy to move past this phase of anger and resentment because it isn't a great place to be, but I also want to respect that stage of the grief process and not try to rush it.