Hi David. Take your time to think about the things you are going to do. Get lawyer´s advice twice if you have any doubt. You need to follow your own agenda.
I think it's in the best interests of the kids to be living in the family home as much as possible and I'm the best person to look after them.
In the event of a D, if the kids are staying with me in the family home then it also gives me a chance of keeping the home at least until the kids leave school. Losing the home would likely mean me being unable to afford to live in the local area and so not being able to have the kids much with me.
I have to make a move now before the kids go back to school after the summer holidays to ensure they have as normal a routine as possible.
I don't want a D so I don't want to make it easier for W but on the other-hand it seems she does want a D and so I have to protect myself as much as possible before it's too late and risk losing the kids and home too. Another thought I have is that if I've got the kids a lot in the family home then it might make it easier for W to return, although if we did get back together then I'm certain we'd both want a fresh start in a new home.
I don't want a D so I don't want to make it easier for W but on the other-hand it seems she does want a D and so I have to protect myself as much as possible before it's too late and risk losing the kids and home too.
To me, this is a no-brainer.
You ABSOLUTELY have to protect yourself and your relationship with your kids. At this moment, if waiting for your W to change course will put that in jeopardy, then you cant do it.
There is nothing that says that you cant get back together later. Even if you divorce.
But you can never get this TIME back with your kids. Please focus on what is best for them and for you.
I didnt say share with her what you EXPECT to be shared back. It doesnt MATTER what she decides to do.
It is about YOU and YOUR values.
If the shoe were on the other foot what would you want to be shared with you? Thats the level of information you should be sharing.
Thanks Amoafwl. I replied honestly saying the kids were very happy and settled and there were no firm plans.
All along I have been the one to rise above, be honest, calm and fair whilst W has been the complete opposite so I think you are right and I will continue to do that.
However, how does that go with NGS, NC, and shocking WW out of a fog?
Being a former WH, imho you need YOURSELF to get out of the fog. You work on yourself. Getting to amoafwl (not Amoafwl the poster...). If she goes out of her fog, it´s still up to her what way to take. If you are saying that your/your kids future is uncertain then you must move to protect you/them.
However, how does that go with NGS, NC, and shocking WW out of a fog?
NGS I think that NGS would be sharing what you would want to be shared with you....and then getting mad when she doesnt reciprocate. Replying something little because you believe it is the right thing to do with no expectations of her replying I think is perfectly helthy. And a good chance to be David2.0.
NC You have kids with this woman and some amount of shared custody. How much NC can you actually do? She asked you a question that I dont believe is particularly offensive or persistent or intrusive. So it's up to you whether or not to answer it. Is she texting you nonstop? Is her communication rude? This is a new thing for her with you having the kids 2 weeks (which I think is QUITE a long time for the kids to be away from either parent). I think it's reasonable to provide a short update halfway through
Shocking WW To me, the biggest shock will come from you BEING David2.0. I dont think "punishing" her by cutting off contact or info about the kids is really a good way to get her to think about 'the new you' and draw her closer. I think a short reply at a convenient time is a great way to portray the man you are becoming. Cool, confident, and busy.
I think holding on to the fact that she will snap of this fog - is a huge mistake. You may say you are not - but deep down you are. But its through desperation and to avoid loss rather than a logical decision that is best for your spirit and wellbeing.
You have stated on numerous occasions she has abused your trust, taken your kids without permission and has been stealing from you on multiple occasions. Nobody deserves or should have to deal with that. You wouldn't advise your children to stay with a partner like that.. So why would you?
Your wife knows how she has treated you.. And even though you think that staying calm and gentlemanly might be the way forward to some sort of Recon, personally from speaking to a WAW on a daily basis, this stance makes you come off weak and needy rather than nice. You will always be there, the perfect safety net - despite how she has treated you. She will not respect you for that and it shows in her attitude and behaviour towards you that you have described us.
I think it says a lot about your current self worth, that you would even contemplate a relationship with someone you cant trust and has stolen from you on multiple occasions. I know from speaking to numerous people, that if their partner had stolen from them.. They would be out of the door asap!!
You can have as many people as you want on this forum giving you advise, but the core of it all boils down to you and what you represent.
The advise on this site isn't a one size fits all i.e. if I follow this advise then everything is going to fall into place. There needs to be some openness and respect from the person that wants out - and a place in their heart that they are willing to change. But when people are being nasty and abusive and stealing from you - the only respect you are going to gain for yourself and from the other person is to say no this is NOT acceptable - and then take hold of the situation and file for D.
Life is far too short for situations like this. You can hide behind the fear of losing your family, or whatever story you have convinced yourself that there will be a happy ending to this - however, as you take your time - there is someone that may be putting her pieces in place to take your kids and your home away from you.
There are hundreds if not thousands of people in this world - how could love and appreciate you properly and respectfully. When you do meet someone who treats you with that respect you will feel like an absolute fool for sticking to this game for so long.
Advise from someone who has done this before and knows how as WAW thinks - I am telling you directly the biggest mistake you are making is still keeping an eye on recon. That hope may feel like small salvation in a sea of pain - however ultimately it is not healthy and it is so counter intuitive it is untrue. The reason there are so few success stories on here is because people are focused on the wrong things - They are too focused on fixing what went wrong rather than improving themselves alone and for themselves irrelevant if partner wants to recon.
Its only by truly walking away that a new beginning can start. The quicker you accept that the better. Or you can continue disguising fear as practicality and you will be in a similar if not worse position in 6 months time.
I agree with your basic premise, Benito. For David to really progress, it is imperative to really focus on what is important to him and become and embody that new David2.0.
That said, I 100% disagree that the best and only path forward is to file for divorce. To me, divorce is a legal issue. If there some advantage you need financially or in custody or for personal protection....then sure, go ahead and file. But to me, anecdotes like this
Quote
I know from speaking to numerous people, that if their partner had stolen from them.. They would be out of the door asap!!
mean nothing. There are plenty of people who make mistakes or bad choices. Im not saying to go in blind, but I 100% disagree that this is an "automatic" divorce just because other people (who are not in this situation) think you should do that. Yes, theres a lot of damage done and yes, there would be a lot of work needed to repair everything...but I dont think just filing is a great solution.
Originally Posted by Benito
That hope may feel like small salvation in a sea of pain - however ultimately it is not healthy and it is so counter intuitive it is untrue.
I think it is perfectly OK and valid to "hope" you win the lottery As long as that hope isnt guiding your decisions. You wouldnt buy a house knowing that there is a chance you could win a million dollars in the lottery. So why would you live your life based on a chance that you and W will recon.
Be the man you want to be. Maye you will recon. Maybe not.
Either way, you will have learned how to live a successful, happy life!
