Steve, you said in another thread that WWs sometimes will have one last 'rebellion' while they're considering coming back? Can you speak a little more on that? I know she's not said anything about being fully committed to saving the M, but if what you said is true, the timeline of events is pretty interesting in my sitch.
Sure. However, before I do I would like to issue you a word of caution. Please do not start looking at each act of rebellion as the "last" act of rebellion. You will not know if it is the last act of rebellion for a very long time. I am almost 6 months into R and piecing and still sometimes expect the other shoe to drop. So if she reacts poorly to something, don't immediately get your hopes up and have an expectation that it was the last act of rebellion to the MR.
Also, please refrain from the temptation to judge every act and every day in your sitch as good or bad. This was some advice I got from an anti-divorce expert early on in my sitch. He cautioned me against the myopic judging of every word and action of hers. The reasons for this is obvious. First it requires you to be laser-focused on her. Second, your roller-coaster ride will rise and fall with every word and action of hers. Obviously not a good place to be and reacting emotionally to her on that level will hurt your sitch.
Also, I think you may have misunderstood me. Throughout the sitch, if the LBS starts to DB to any degree at all, the WAS will begin to question their decision to leave. As the LBS removes pressure and pursuit, detaches, 180s, and GAL, the WAS will start taking notice. Detachment and lack of pressure and pursuit will make them feel they have lost power in the relationship. The 180s, changing the poor behaviors that contributed to your circumstances, will make them start to wonder if your changes could be real and permanent. And this gets stronger over time. And GAL will make them curious as to what you are up to. All of this is a net positive.
But here is the thing, it was not easy for your WAS to get to BD. This is a misconception the LBS often has. From the LBSs perspective, they are miserable but the WAS is happy as a lark. More than likely this couldn't be further from the truth. Think about over the course of your relationship. For most of us there have been times when we weren't happy. Times when we've had the thought in our head that maybe we shouldn't be together, should have never got married, should get a divorce, etc. However, you've never acted on that. Why? Because it isn't easy! Even if you felt it strongly at times you've always pushed it away because it would kick off a very difficult road. You knew if you verbalized it that it would be hurtful and it would cause pain, and it would harmful to the relationship, and it could bring the relationship to an end.
The WAS has already gone through all of that before BD. They know that verbalizing "I want a divorce" will be painful for everyone involved. And even afterward they struggle with it. The way you can tell is that they, in most cases are still there! That shows that even they aren't really sure of their decision, but the thought got strong enough over time for them to actually broach the subject.
As a tangent, there was a sitch on here not too long ago where a W, on a holiday (either Christmas or Thanksgiving I can't remember which), after dinner said she had an announcement. In front of all her children and their families, she told her husband (the poster of the sitch) that she was unhappy, wanted out and was divorcing. As the kids and the H tried to reason with her, her phone rang. She answered it, collected a bag she had already packed, and proceeded to leave, get into a car with OM, and drive away. I tell that story for two reasons. 1) It is rare that it happens this way. and 2) Your sitch could always be so much worse!
Usually the WAS makes their pronouncement and that after BD life goes on pretty much as normal except that the LBS is miserable, living in limbo, and the WAS is either actively pursuing their proclamation, or verbally saying they still want D without taking any action towards actually doing it. Limbo. As another aside, I've written extensively on this board about the dynamic of the LBS that is living in limbo, and thinking it would be so much easier if the WAS actually left. And the LBS where the WAS has actually already left thinking it would be so much easier if the WAS was still around to show them all of the changes. Everyone always thinks the grass is greener.
So now in limbo, if the LBS starts DBing (and I saw this myself in my recent sitch because I started DBing on day 3), the WAS will being to doubt their decision. They expected behaviors from the LBS that would confirm what they were doing was best. They expected the LBS to try to control, to beg, to be mopey, to be angry, to lash out, to try to get even, to try to convince through act of slavery, etc etc etc. The board is riddled with LBSs that went in ways like this that ended up S, heading for D, or D'd. Or in some cases they allowed their actions to get so out of control that the WAS was able to get a restraining order to have them removed.
But let's go down the path of the LBS instituting DBing before the sitch escalates to the point of no return. The WAS starts to question their decision. But remember what I said above? About the WAS not having it as easy as the LBS thinks they do? The WAS now begins to dig in their heels. The proclamation "I am leaving" didn't come easily. And they aren't going to give up on easily either. In my own threads I wrote a post about how by the time the WAS has made this proclamation its been up to 2 years (in most cases) since they gave up on the marriage and started looking for an exit strategy. It is in that period, between giving up and bomb day that they are most susceptible to an OM or OW.
This is where the acts of rebellion begin. It might be subtle like a verbal reminder "I don't want to get your hopes up." "I still want a divorce." "I am still done." Or it could be meeting with OP again. Or it could be, like in my case, she creates an online dating profile complete with pic! The fact is that there will be many of these on the road to R and piecing. And you will never know which one is the last one until many weeks, months, or years later when you finally look back and realize that it was.
In my sitch, I know when it was. We had gone away for the weekend to a marriage retreat. When she agreed to go to this about 2 weeks after BD, she did so very reluctantly. It wasn't my idea, a couple at church asked us if we wanted to go. Several couples from church were going. As I said, my W agreed, but I don't think she wanted to. I think it was another feather in her cap "we even tried a marriage retreat and still couldn't save it" type of thing. By time the retreat rolled around her EA with OM#1 was over. She was insisting that potential OM2 was just a friend (and snooping seemed to corroborate that) and she at least was no longer reminding me we were done, and no longer acting out in other ways (the job search had ended, she was no longer looking at apartment listings, and she had not messaged any guys on the dating site in a few weeks).
On the second day of the retreat, on the lunch break we were waiting for a table at a restaurant. I was on my phone and she asked "What are you doing, picking up girls?" I laughed the comment off. Then came the rebellion "It would be perfectly ok if you were." Here we were, at a Christian couples retreat, supposedly working on our marriage, and she is telling me it would be ok if I found someone else. I spiraled. The entire lunch was one long R talk. Essentially, after a day an a half of being bombarded with messages about being committed to the one you married, and marriage being for life, and the Biblical principles about marriage, and God hating divorce, she was feeling "stuck". Her word. And even though things had been great, I had been awesome, she could see some light in actually staying, she felt like she would miss an opportunity at being happy if she gave up on her plan of getting a job, getting an apartment, and getting a divorce.
The next day, on the ride home, we were back to our old selves. I mean back like when we were dating. It was fun, it was light. We thoroughly enjoyed our time together. It was as if she finally let her guard down and moved back to the MR. From that point on she has been consistent in working on the MR and wanting to stay. We only really had one discussion since then (outside of MC) related to our R and that was when I asked her if she still wanted to leave. Her answer was "As we have fun, and our conversation is fun and light, the thought of staying becomes less bad, and the thought of leaving doesn't seem as good." (I've documented this in the past, but I will stop here for sake of brevity.)
So yes, the rebelling against their second thoughts is a real dynamic. And sometimes, even after it appears they've decided to stay they will have that one last OOMPH rebellion. The key is you won't need if it is the last one for a long time. And you shouldn't try to guess that it is. The job of the LBS is still DBing! GAL (this cannot be over emphasized), 180s, Detach!! and be the best you can be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
