So, I've finished my big chunk of work in the other city. It went really, really well. I got a fantastic appraisal and invited back for next year. I felt like I earned the respect of all of my colleagues too.
At the moment I'm thinking I would like to do another stint next year, with the aim of heading towards one of the supervisor roles at some point beyond that.
Health wise I don't feel great at all. I was staying with my mum, which was lovely, although she was ill while I was there. I found that quite stressful, on top of the insane schedule I was living. She has a degenerative illness, which is made worse by stress, and by her mindset too. I was trying my hardest to stay level headed with everything, emotionally. I could feel myself in a 'loving detachment' sort of presence with her. On the plus side, I think she's finally understanding how much her mindset is affecting her illness and is taking responsibility for trying to change that (she's been pretty successful so far).
Also, she only has a shower and not a bath. I use a hot bath for relaxing my back muscles, which I have a lot of trouble with. So a month of not having a bath and my lower back and the top half of my legs have pretty much seized up. I'm in quite a lot of pain in the mornings and feel like I'm wearing a steel corset pretty much all day long. I can't even bend over and touch my knees when I wake up at the moment.
I've also not had any time at all this past month for any sort of physical exercise, beyond the jobs I was doing and the walking around between them and walking around that one of them entailed.
So it's not surprise that mentally, I don't feel too great either. There's a very obvious link between all these things. I feel like my old insecurities are coming to the fore with interest on top as well.
Old insecurities? Being left. With interest? Being betrayed before being left.
It's really not a very appealing mindset I'm in at the moment. I dislike the 'with interest' part intensely. I don't know if I'm feeling that especially because I'm now in a R with someone I love very much?
I never imagined that the person I was M to in my previous life would have behaved in the way he did. I never would have imaged that a person could have done something like that. Does that make me naive? I mean, sure, we hear of that sort of stuff a lot (in films, in books, on TV, from friends...) but having lived through it gives it a different perspective entirely.
It's making me feel super uncomfortable and ill at ease with myself.
Anyway, I talked about it with the wonderful man I'm with yesterday. He has a different way of dealing with things than I do, which I really appreciate finding out about. I'm very much about trying to see the big picture and how everything fits together. I need the intellectual framework to hang everything on for it to make sense to me. On the other hand, it's enough for him to see/feel/perceive things from his own perspective, whatever that is, and go with it.
It's really interesting. Neither way of being/doing is right or wrong, they're just different. I know I could learn a lot from his way of being and I reckon being more reflective would help him too. Adopting elements of each other's way of being would make both of us more rounded as individuals.
Which led us on to a brief conversation about his XW and M. I think she really wanted to change him and mould him into something that he wasn't. I get the impression that she was quite a powerful force, and along with his easy going nature, he probably ended up getting sidelined a good bit in his M. He said that looking back, he should maybe have not let that happen and been more assertive about himself (and in particular, developing himself).
I think this is a fear for him...someone wanting to change him into someone else. So we chatted about that too. I'm really really not about trying to change other people like that (been in the receiving end of that from my father, so I'm very much allergic to that sort of dynamic, either from other people or peddling that vibe to other people). I'm all about tapping into who you are and fostering the best parts of yourself, so that you can be a truer version of yourself.
I think he does that anyway, instincively, whereas there's a lot of very self conscious decision making for me that goes on with my approach to that.
So that's where I'm at with life at the moment.
I've pushed myself super hard this past month and some interesting things have come out of it. I'm not proud of everything that's come out of it, but there you go.
I'm really enjoying being so close to someone that is so different from me. I look forward to sharing things together and discovering new things too. I'm deeply intrigued by who/how he is, he feels very substantial and solid. I am totally in love.
