Sorry I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with my thread. I just haven't felt much like talking about my situation. It's very strange because when I first came here I really wanted to convey the point where I was at in my life and I really needed to hear that it was ok to feel what I was feeling and yet I still wanted someone to tell me what I might be able to do in order to restore some sense of normalcy to my marriage. But after I read my old threads, I can't really explain what happened. I just saw my situation from a distance, like an outsider even though I remembered it all, and I just no longer wanted to talk about it although I can't say why. I guess because maybe for the first time in my life, I am trusting MYSELF. My own feelings and opinions....and there is always someone who will think on the opposite side of the coin of the conclusions I have arrived at. Sometimes it's good to be challenged in your line of thinking, but right now although I feel raw and scared and sometimes incapacitated by the sadness of it all, I am still sure of my feelings and my logic and the overall sense that there is nothing I can or should do to try to make things like they used to be. I don't want to debate with anyone about it or try to convince anyone that I didn't even mean to do what I did that got me here. I know it's possible to hurt someone without meaning to....I guess I just never thought you can lose a marriage without even realizing you were making a mistake. And I still have problems coming to terms with that in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I will struggle with my guilt for the rest of my life, perhaps that is the just punishment for a mistake that breaks someone else's heart regardless of whether you knew you were doing it or not. I still struggle with whether or not I "deserve" my current situation. When I start to think like that I try to redirect my thoughts because framing things like that does not change how things are. Some might say I deserve it and some might say I don't. It doesn't matter, does it? Perhaps some would say that despite my mistakes I'm still a great person and overall still a really good wife. It doesn't matter, does it? None of those opinions or thoughts change my situation one teeny tiny bit. All it does it bring me long hours of unsettling thoughts, self loathing and intense fears of what the future might hold. Guys, I think all this means is I have arrived at the point of acceptance and when you accept things as they are, there simply isn't much to talk about. I no longer wish to change it this way or that or discuss ways to do so. I have no idea where this puts me on the path to healing because, as is the case with any uncharted journey, I cannot see the end. Someday I'll be able to look back and the path will make more sense, but for now, I just have to have faith that I will not wander in endless circles and that I will in fact reach new destinations.
On a more practical and routine note, I had a nice time at my sorority meeting. Talked to a couple older ladies with some interesting stories. I run the 5k with my son this Saturday morning. And I'm contemplating giving up drinking. Like forever. I have really mixed feelings about that. That's for another day though.
Thanks for listening.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
