Both sides have fog. You're only one month in, better buckle down! Lots of work to do either way this thing goes.
Yes indeed. The LBS remembers nothing but good things about the M and puts the WAS on a golden pedestal, and the WAS remembers nothing but bad things about the M, all of which are blamed on the LBS. With time both sides come out of the fog. The LBS remembers the M wasn't always a bed of roses and the WAS remembers it wasn't always terrible. In other words they both come back to reality.
The WAS usually also comes to the realization that there is no White Knight waiting to sweep her off her feet and whisk her away to a glorious castle in the clouds to live out her years in peace and prosperity. It's all just fantasy. Here's the problem with reconciling- the WAS loves and wants that fantasy so bad and reconciling means giving up the fantasy. It's going back to the same old life and same old spouse. That's why DB'ing is all about remaking yourself into "the spouse only a fool would leave", because she doesn't want to go back to the old you and old M. She wants something new and different, and after a while she may come to realize that YOU are the "new and different" she's looking for.
Thanks AS. You're right.
The part about being a 'new me' is really hard. And it brings me back to the conversation w/ Steve and I a few pages ago about DBing, detaching, etc.
The first thing a new LBS seems to be told is to start GALing; joining a gym, getting in shape, going out w/ friends, etc. As far as I know, my W never had a problem with anything physical about me. I'm not Brad Pitt or anything, but I'm in about as good of shape as I'm going to be. I already lift or jog every day. I play several rec sports. I have tons of friends. I get lots of attention from other women. Her main issue with me is my attitude about communication, being emotionally available, etc. And those are the things that are hard to show/change while GALing, detaching, etc. I know she says I'm a negative person (Steve did too, lol), and I am. So trying to be more positive about every day things is definitely a goal of mine.
But here's a quick example of what I mean. W likes to come home and talk about her day at work. I never want to talk about my day at work. I don't like being at work, so the last thing I want to do is talk about it when I get home. She gets mad that I don't share, listen intently enough, or ask about her day ever. So a 180 for me would be to start inquiring about her day. But that also runs opposite of many of the DB rules.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
