Our anniversary is about a week away. What do I do?
I know no gifts or outrageous stuff. Kind of feels weird to not do anything and it seems kind of strange to do something as well. I just don't know what the proper response is for this. We are still married.
Well there are a few schools of thought on this around here, and I don't think any of them are "right" or "wrong". My anniversary was about 4 months after BD. XW was already moved out by then. I told her "I know this is an awkward time for us but it feels strange to just ignore our anniversary, and at the same time exchanging gifts seems inappropriate, so how about we just have dinner together?" We did, and of course it didn't change anything, but I am glad we did something and have zero regrets. The key for something like this is it can't be pursuit, and you can't have any expectations. If you are comfortable saying nothing to her, then do that. That is kind of the ultimate detachment move. Or if you just want to wish her a Happy Anniversary then do that. I think as long as you're not buying her a sloppy card and/ or giving her a pile of gifts then it's kind of up to you how to approach it.
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I'm struggling with the time this is taking, this is not a new thing. I realize this is a long term marathon and I have just started (almost 6 months now). We don't tear each other apart every other day any more, we have gotten into kind of a stalemate kind of situation where we don't really talk, we are tolerant of each other, we don't lash out at one another, but we aren't talking either. I realize this is an improvement and I am happy to be here with my family still together in the same home.
Well, I think your last sentence there tells you that what you're doing is OK for now. When that last sentence changes to "I'm not hurt or angry, but I've had enough of this situation for months now and I'm ready to move on" then it's time to take action. But until then, keep doing what you're doing.
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My problem comes with the day to day decisions and issues that happen that have to be made. Most deal with money. W refuses to work. There are the medical issues here as well. BUT, when everything that happens falls upon my shoulders, it just doesn't seem fair.
Well it's NOT fair!!!! Your marriage is 99% you and 1% your W. There is NOTHING fair or reasonable about that. But you know Michele's chapter "It Takes One to Tango", baby that "one" is YOU. You don't have a dance partner right now. Maybe you will again some day, but until then you've either got to live with it, or do something about it. Maybe come up with a timeline? Tell yourself "I will give this X more months and if something doesn't change then I will make it change."
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The longer it drags on, the more resentment seems to build up.
Thoughts on this people?
My thoughts are that it will never change, your W will just let things stay this way indefinitely. I also think you will get tired of it at some point and decide to take matters into your own hands. YOU'LL become the WAS. Ironically, when that happens and she sees what she's losing she'll probably start pursuing you.
