I think what is frustrating is that it feels like we cant understand what your goals really are. It feels like someone who read only chapter 5 (6?) of DR and is taking action without really going through the steps of identifying the whole plan. I think a lot of the things you described in your next post are really good. The key is in figuring out what you want and working consistently towards that. For example, you describe a positive of "your wife sitting next to you on a bed". To me, that is a nice step up from not being able to be in the same room together....but in my opinion, you never should have been in that situation in the first place. So it's hard to see what is really progress when the endpoint isnt very well defined.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
Yesterday, I met a single mum. I asked for ideas of places to go with the kids, we swapped numbers and texts last night. I'm trying to get a circle of friends that doesn't involve mutual friends of W and I and that includes some new friends for the kids.
I also REALLY want you to be careful here. You are talking about expanding your "friend circle" but from what I can tell, that so far only includes two single ladies. This is probably the opposite of the people you should be hanging out with right now. How can you put yourself in bigger groups where you dont have to worry about an affair/rebound/etc? How can you grow a community vs just finding a nice lady to talk to?
My immediate priority is that I have the kids 24/7 with me during which time I'm proving that I can care for them on my own and they are getting settled back at home. A childcare plan is being put to W that would follow-on. The concern is that W may not agree to it and try to take the kids away. That is why for the next couple of weeks, my GAL is going to have to revolve around days out etc. with the kids (and it's going very well).
I have been in touch with an old friend who is very keen for us to socialise together but given the circumstances it's best I'm around full-time for the kids at the moment until the childcare issue is agreed. There are concerns that W may take the kids away (again).
Single ladies... It is a good point about R potential. I have only been in touch with one and that was regarding things to do for the kids. I will get in touch with another who is doing some training that I want to do and would like the details. I have identified some new things I want to learn and they would involve group activities but likewise the childcare issue is so vital that I have to focus on GAL with the kids right now following the legal advice.
If no progress on MR then I will need to deal with finances (L and I have already agreed how to preceded with that and have a draft prepared).
As far as W is concerned, I'd want W to deal with her issues and want to rebuild a R with me. I'd want to start again as if it were a new relationship. I have a clear vision of what that could become.
Nearly a week gone by of the kids staying with me on our own and they are doing great. W hasn't made any contact to ask how they are and they have not asked about her.
I have had a few thoughts about how they are better being with me, remembering that W had left and took the kids without my knowledge. She had got very angry when the kids said I was better at looking after them. Another time she had shouted at them "We are not a family anymore" when they were crying and begging to come back into the family home for the first time. She tells them she wants their home sold. W has rarely ever cooked a meal for them and feeds them junk food. W had often undermined me in front of the kids. She tries to turn them against me. W asks them to lie to me. It is dreadful that she puts little children through this. I have been the responsible adult, the main carer for the kids. I was getting increasingly fed-up as it was like looking after an extra child. W was making parenting a lot harder than it needed to be.
W was starting to look down upon me for not earning as much as I used to do. I couldn't because I was having to do so much on my own with no support. Her career was doing better because I was providing so much support. I have also noticed that I've paid for just about everything in the home despite her having more income than me.
In many ways, separation has been good for me, to take a break, to realise the bigger picture, regain some independance, to get back to being myself only better.
However, to lose the person I've spent more than half my life with, my best friend, my lover is like being hit by a cannonball in the chest several times per day when you least expect it. I keep getting back on my feet.
I woke-up in denial mode and it's because the familiarty of the kids being back at home. I wake in the morning and expect W to be there next to me, it seems so simple that she could return. Then reality hits and I know she isn't in the right frame of mind at all and I think how stupid it is that it has got to this.
Youngest spoke before I did this morning and immediately said "Dad find someone nicer for us. Mum has made the decision, and once you make a decision then that's it, just get over it". I don't discus such things with the kids. Little children should not have such things on their mind.
I'm tempted to send W a text to say the kids are doing well. W did so when she had the kids. Should I?
Hang in there. There will be rough moments like this. Don't write her. That is pursuit. Only communicate what you need to communicate. If you need to get things off your chest, write here.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hang in there. There will be rough moments like this. Don't write her. That is pursuit. Only communicate what you need to communicate. If you need to get things off your chest, write here.
THIS^^^^^^^^
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I resisted contact and W has sent me a message asking if the kids are OK and what my plans are to take them away for a few days. I don't yet have any plans to do that (but might have later). Should I reply?
Feeling emotional right now, how can W not want our lovely family to be together?
She does. And she doesn't. She's going through a whirlwind of emotions right now. She's on a journey of discovery. She's got to get to the root of why she is unhappy. Right now she thinks it's because of you and the M. That's why we preach detachment, you've got to remove yourself from the equation before she'll learn that you are not the problem. This is a marathon, the outcome is unknown. Your family may very well be together again. But it's going to take time.
