I'm struggling with the time this is taking, this is not a new thing. I realize this is a long term marathon and I have just started (almost 6 months now). We don't tear each other apart every other day any more, we have gotten into kind of a stalemate kind of situation where we don't really talk, we are tolerant of each other, we don't lash out at one another, but we aren't talking either. I realize this is an improvement and I am happy to be here with my family still together in the same home.
My problem comes with the day to day decisions and issues that happen that have to be made. Most deal with money. W refuses to work. There are the medical issues here as well. BUT, when everything that happens falls upon my shoulders, it just doesn't seem fair. Kids need clothes. Dad? S wants to go to a party and needs gift for friend. Dad? S wants a new cell phone. Dad? W complains about money a lot and it is an underlying thing since I stopped putting my paycheck in the joint account. Am I using this to be controlling? Absolutely not. Is it perceived by my W that I am trying to control her. Absolutely. I make sure all of the bills are paid, food is in the fridge, gas is in the car, etc. I always put a little in our joint account (which I have rarely used over the years), but it seems to be building more and more resentment on both sides. My W obviously since she refuses to make her own living and is upset that I will not fund any part of her life. Granted, this is her choice and she should not be rewarded for this. I am having resentment on this since everyone thinks that I am just an ATM! I know its part of being a parent and I take pride in being able to provide for my family, but when you ask a question and W responds "I don't have any money, you have to ask your Dad" It puts me in an awkard position especially if I have to say no. I have gladly (she hasn't asked in awhile) shown all of my paychecks and bills to my W. She, of course, doesn't care a bit about that. "He'll take care of it" is what she thinks since it has always been true. She was upset last week since she went to the store and there wasn't enough in there for her to get what she wanted. She called and said "I had to put some back just to get out of the store. I was so embarrassed". I almost said, "welcome to your new world", but I held my tongue. Glad I did, but I know she will experience much more of that if we D.
My problem is that i feel really bad inside about this. I don't know if is just the NGS in me that wants to take care of everyone or if it is that I am doing something wrong. I don't think I am doing anything wrong as I truly cannot trust my W to make sure any of the bills would be paid at this time. Also at this particular moment, there is not much left at the end of each month so I am just trying to make sure everyone is taken care of as we are going through this. The longer it drags on, the more resentment seems to build up.
Thoughts on this people?
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
