B, here is the thing. You don't know if any of this is true or not. Yes this does happen. Yes it might even be your sitch. However, you could have done everything right and STILL had this happen. Why?
Because you can't control other people, even those that you marry! This is the hardest part for the LBS to understand. The WAS has a brain, has critical thinking skills, has understanding, is a sentient being, and chooses things for themselves. Maybe the monotony of married life was too much for her. Maybe she prefers the thrill of the chase to the actual catching. Maybe she is addicted to the euphoric limerance phase of a relationship. Or maybe you were just a bad husband that drove her away.
Here is the key: NONE OF IT MATTERS
You can't change the past, all you can do resolve to do better from this moment forward.
Over the weekend I had the urge to apologize to my wife for my past behavior. I am 8 months past BD. We are a solid 5 months into R and piecing. And suddenly I had to urge to apologize to her again.
But you know what, every time you apologize to her it reminds her of your past failings. The better approach is to help her forget your past failings but cementing your changes. In fact, the more consistent you are at your changes the less they become changes and the more they become the new normal. That is what you are striving for. A new normal. So that in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months or longer from now she looks back and can't even remember the person you were before.
And for those reading this thinking "In my sitch I don't have the opportunity to show her this new normal" that is hogwash. Even NC shows her that you have changed. And in every dealing with her, whether that is once a day, week, month, or year, you have the opportunity to show her the new you. The key is to MAKE it the new you, and not just a you that you trot out when in front of her (she will see through that like glass).
Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those that are stuck in the past will never move on from it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I have to say I love you insight. I took a lot away from your post just for myself. Ballast, I wish you the best in your sitch. Nothing is easy and we all have to move forward and choose our path!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
steve...yep, I have no definite WHY and probably never will. and i fully accept I have no control over other people even as painfully obvious as that is showing me in my sitch. wrongly I believed that people who marry commit to staying that way for life. clearly she felt otherwise. it does not make her wrong, it simply destroys a foundational belief I had in married relationships. I have no idea how I ever trust again with that tenet clearly destroyed from personal experience.
to be clear I've not once apologized to her. my posting here was just true pain and frustration coming out into a virtual pillow. I know better than to beg/apologize/pursue and so I instead come here.
I get and agree with all that you say Steve. thing is beyond my moving on and living my life well, none of this matters in regards to her feelings towards me. the marriage is done, my hope for a future for us is pointless and I just need to shut those feelings down. all of my posting, feelings, words on my sitch..real truth is there was never a chance she'd come back.
might just be the best for me to stop posting and give it up. someday down the road maybe I'll find happiness again. the world is a cruel place...maybe I've just been so blessed as to not have to face that reality until now. I can't thank you enough for all of the support you've given me these months I've been around.
I would suggest not stopping posting. If anything this is an outlet. And it also helps others. These exchanges help people we don't even realize. They read it and it is like it is speaking directly to them! So please keep posting. Keep journaling. Let's keep having these dialogues. You never know who might learn from it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'll just second what Steve said. I think the conversations here are helpful for you and for others even if you have given up hope in R. I'm in a similar scenario as I also don't see much point in "standing" for my MR. However, I do see a lot of point in continuing to better myself and solidify the shifts that I have made thus far.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I'm with S85 and D. We all have some much to learn if not for this R with W- Then the next R with someone deserving of our love and trust. B - I feel your pain. I too struggle and if you've read my sitch - my W is plain Jane- I truly fell in love with her heart. Today my wife looks so unattractive ( looking aged, heavy and stressed)and couple that with a repulsive heart due to her actions. In my last encounter with her my feeling was BLAH! I truly miss my family times at church and on outings and would have moved heaven and earth to save it. But now I feel that I deserve more - I feel you should want more too. The M was not perfect in all our cases but our Ws have shown their true identity by not honoring their commitments. Let us choose the better path to work on ourselves - be the best we can be and if it happens -cross that bridge when it comes. Blessings on your journey my friend!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
thanks fellas for the comments. honestly I don't know what I feel anymore. imagine that is a fairly common feeling for many of us who find ourselves here. the only one feeling I know for certain is that I HATE losing half of my D's life. past that I'm just tired, emotionally spent. don't want to give up, but don't want to care either if that makes sense.
Failure is ofter the best teacher B. You need to live in the present now man. You may be today on the low of the cycle...but things keep rolling (up). You know they will.
I hate the cliche and lack of hope the above provides regarding W/MR but that's the ONLY choice I have. the finality and hopelessness of it, no chance/poof she's gone, move on. what a pointless waste of a marriage committed to in great love. young D with a broken family before she even knows the meaning of the word, means nothing to W. they just walk away/find someone else when they get "unhappy". h*LL it's me that got her there so, I'll take being the bad guy. sorry I'm just going to take those 3 lines and fade away. no need to continually post when the distilled finality of the only thing we LBSs can do is the above. please understand it's my pain/heartbreak that has me feeling this way. I'll update when the D is final.
