Journey Continues

[SteveLW]

B, here is the thing. You don't know if any of this is true or not. Yes this does happen. Yes it might even be your sitch. However, you could have done everything right and STILL had this happen. Why?

Because you can't control other people, even those that you marry! This is the hardest part for the LBS to understand. The WAS has a brain, has critical thinking skills, has understanding, is a sentient being, and chooses things for themselves. Maybe the monotony of married life was too much for her. Maybe she prefers the thrill of the chase to the actual catching. Maybe she is addicted to the euphoric limerance phase of a relationship. Or maybe you were just a bad husband that drove her away.

Here is the key: NONE OF IT MATTERS

You can't change the past, all you can do resolve to do better from this moment forward.

Over the weekend I had the urge to apologize to my wife for my past behavior. I am 8 months past BD. We are a solid 5 months into R and piecing. And suddenly I had to urge to apologize to her again.

But you know what, every time you apologize to her it reminds her of your past failings. The better approach is to help her forget your past failings but cementing your changes. In fact, the more consistent you are at your changes the less they become changes and the more they become the new normal. That is what you are striving for. A new normal. So that in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months or longer from now she looks back and can't even remember the person you were before.

And for those reading this thinking "In my sitch I don't have the opportunity to show her this new normal" that is hogwash. Even NC shows her that you have changed. And in every dealing with her, whether that is once a day, week, month, or year, you have the opportunity to show her the new you. The key is to MAKE it the new you, and not just a you that you trot out when in front of her (she will see through that like glass).

Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those that are stuck in the past will never move on from it.