ovrr...see that's the thing...IF I had known what was making my W so unhappy then it would have been at least somewhat within my control to improve/change it. Now if W was not sure what IT was and/or either she could not make me understand it or I could not understand it. W would say I didn't listen. I'm a manager at a small tech firm. My JOB is to listen and make decisions/changes to improve the company and the employees who work for me. Did I not hear her needs, understand them, was it within my control to do so...given the deafening silence it makes it very hard for me to not believe I had control. I am a man with great qualities enough for her to believe so and marry me, so over time did I lose those qualities? I'm sure that I did not, but yet she said I didn't give her enough of what she needed so given all I have to reflect on, I find I could have done more of everything. Biggest thing I beat myself up for is watching TV while W relaxed in bed after our D was down for the night. I'm sure she thought I wasn't aggressive in wanting sex, but I felt I was giving each of us time to unwind from the day and I never was the type of guy to beg or force or get angry if W wasn't in the mood. I respected her too much to objectify her due to my selfish physical needs. My "life" is fine these days. I am heartbroken and in pain, my D has a broken family and I have lost half my time with her, yet I know the only thing I can do is go on and so I will and pray someday/somehow God can help recover my soul and maybe by some ridiculous miracle allow me to trust again. Folks ask if I could take W back, I laugh and say "no idea" W is so far gone in my opinion and even in my counselor's opinion that she will D me and NEVER TRY to even talk about coming back. Hard enough to even hear from her now. I don't even think about it I'm so certain of how hopeless that line of thought is.
arsh...the zenith of our love was the year BEFORE we got pregnant. the year of our being pregnant was horrible. W hated being pregnant. weight gain, pain, couldn't go out, drink, travel. W wanted no pictures, no shower and knew before even having D she wanted no more children. first year once D arrived there were many precious memories that I recall, but I can't say W felt the same way. again the weight gain, baby needs, lack of sleep, etc W was not happy. our D took from her the life she had, freedom to do/go as she pleased, her body, her time and W probably resented me for getting her pregnant. W probably thought if she hadn't married me, she wouldn't be in this "mess". probably again where her huge resentment towards me comes from. she definitely has put her needs above everyone. D will be fine is what she used to say. recently it was how certain she was that divorce was best for all of us. did we settle into a domestic pattern after D? yes, we did. we went to work, came home, ate, took care D, repeat. we did take many trips though as well. did it get boring? yes I"m sre it did, but day to day life gets like that. was I unhappy, no not really married life to me was going to be up and down. if she had sat down beside me, told me what was important to her and worked with me to understand it, you D**N right I would do all I could to give her what she wanted. did she bail out emotionally on our family, marriage, yep clearly she did, she left. has she had an EA/PA/OM my gut based on her actions says yes which is probably why she is pushing so hard for D. it's just very sad arsh...when we had all the pieces in place for our love to take it's final breath the way it will. did I fail her? I didn't abuse her, cheat, lie, nothing...BUT did I spend enough time with her, did I tell her how much I loved her, showed her how much I loved her, I could have done a TON more. do I blame her for leaving, yes but do I try and own 100% of our MR failing, yes I do and I will the rest of my life. for whatever reason I did not do all that I could have to show her how much I loved her and appreciated her. thank you for your comments to me. prayers to you and your little girls!
