GAL this morning. Also talked to my NGS counselor. Basically he told me that I'll need to work up the courage to tell her what I want and don't want. Make a list before our next appointment (two weeks time). Some of the things he said was to make a list of what I want in a R-ship. I said, healthy communication, boundaries, trust, and intimacy (physical and emotional). He also asked what am I going to communicate to W about what I want and how I'm going to do it. He didn't say that I had to do it now or within the next two weeks, he just told me to put the list together.
W asked me where I was. I said "out and about". She's starting to get a little of what's going on. She said I'm being "weirdly vague". Otherwise, we made lunch and chit-chatted. We sat in her bedroom and ate together...which I must admit, felt pretty good.
I have asked this question and I feel like I did not get a concrete response. I want to start communicating to W about my roles and behaviors in the split. Previously when I brought it up to W, it was at inopportune times that resulted in a lot of crying on her part and essentially shutting down. Responses were angry (I had to go to work, why didn't you bring it up last night? Why did you go to the uncle when you know you're going to feed off of his anger? etc.) I've been planning on this strategy for over a month now and it follows in the vein of what my MC told me when I decided it was time to surrender the old R. I want to start a journal discussing the stuff that led to the S. I want to tell W that I did A, B, C and I understood why she is doing what she is doing. I'm not going to say that I want an R. I'm just going to say that as someone who was there first and foremost of my behaviors, I want to get her perspective. My goal is to make sure I learn from this pain and not put my second chance love through this again.
I see my MC in two weeks. I want to nudge myself towards some result. But I'm also not sure if this is considered pursuing or if it's a good way of getting more information to learn and fix my mistakes. I'm conflicted on how to approach this and would love to get feedback from you.
Both of my counselors and you all have commented on the job that I'm doing and wanting to learn and grow from this. I just want to make sure I can continue this growth and not tumble back to square one. But I'm at an internal crossroads of what to do here.
