Incoming III (The DB Journey gains steam?)

[ovrrnbw]

You'll know by her showing you, not telling you. In my sitch it was weird b/c she did show some things (put ring on, sex) but was mostly just talk. The doing part is where she wasn't getting closer to the MR (she lied to OM instead of breaking up with him). Your W seems more stable than mine.

Just remember to validate feelings and truly listen. Part of listening is asking questions to gain better understanding. If you aren't sure if she's serious then keep validating and listening. Now go reread the validation threads.

It think the DR book has some guidelines on this, I would reread that section too honestly.

[Phoenix9]

Thanks for the response. I'll touch up on a few things you mentioned but first I want to talk about the last 18 hours.

Last night, after she left the house to go somewhere, I gave my full attention to D4. We walked to the grocery store, bought stuff for dinner and came back. W told me that she made dinner already for D4 and I so I had some extra food. Last text of the night was a picture of funny tweet. I responded to the tweet and I get a "Lol". End of conversation.

Today, I woke up early and got some chores in the house done. Got D4 ready and drove into the city. W called. I ignored it. Cleaned my car and detailed it. Not long after that, D4 and I get donuts. I receive another call form W. No response from me. She texted me about plans to drop off D4 and to confirm (think it was BS) and said she won't be able to talk because of a loss of signal inside the nail salon. Texted me a minute later saying "Nevermind". She tried to call a minute later after text. I didn't respond. I finally responded after 10 minutes informing her that I'm on the way to meet her with D4 to do some Costco shopping and that I was leaving. Next text I said "30 min." She requested for clarification (whether I was leaving in 30 or I'll be there in 30?) but I was driving and did not text back. She called 5 minutes later. I did not respond. Once to Costco, she called (5th attempt) and I responded cheerfully that I'm pulling in.

I see her and D4 runs to her. We go in together and we start talking. About her friend who is living with her Divorced spouse. <MAJOR TEMP CHECK TIME....I think>:

She then told a story of the spouse who is manipulating his ex into giving her more money to fix his boat. The guy is a controlling jerkhole to say the least. I asked W why they are still doing this and W said (here is the temp check?):

Because they committed to financially supporting each other just like W and I are now.

From those words I got the heavy implication that we have a partnership like her friend does. Ok. I weighed in by saying it sounds pretty abusive and she should cut her losses. She said that the friend and the ex made a commitment to "supporting" each other (again). I told her that it sounds like he (the ex) is a very passive-aggressive person and that I would not live like that.

Here is where I am going with this. Since our S, I have made it clear numerous times (last time was in June), that I refused to have a partnership like her friend. That I deserved a second chance at love, and whatnot. So to have W bring this up...I initially wanted to say that this "partnership" we have is not what I want in my marriage and I don't want this, etc. BUT, I remember what this group said:

Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do.

So...I kept my cool and happy demeanor. Made her laugh quite a bit and we moved on from the conversation without much issue. As we were in the checkout line, I noticed a tiny thumb ring. I asked her that's a nice ring and I asked where did she get it. She responded that she bought it at Target. Minutes later I give my D4 to W, and close W's door when she got in (still a gentleman and still habit). They are now out picking blackberries, going school clothes shopping and are going to have a slumber party with OM's friend's kids.

After we parted, I burst into tears. I don't know if she feels like W and I can have this financial commitment to each other like her friend does. She KNOWS that I don't want this kind of relationship right? I felt strongly like she was temp checking me and I did not fall for it this go around...but even for her to imply that's the relationship we have right now was...rude I think.

So here I am, filling you all in and working on honing my DB strat. I am still consciously trying to Detach, but she is on my mind constantly. I want her back. And I know I can't do that right now. And I don't know if that's going to happen. I want to reach out to W's friend (friend is letting me spend nights at her place the days I'm out of the house) and ask for clarification on her relationship with her ex. But I now that W is a lot closer to her friend than I will and that confiding in the friend will likely result her in telling my W about what I said...so I'm fighting not to ask. So far, I seem to be winning the fight right now.

Day 27.

[Phoenix9]

Question:

Is it considered pursuing if I start a notebook with questions about the events leading to S that W and I can communicate with on our own time? I don’t see it as active pursuit. I just see it as a way of beginning communications on the root cause of our split and maybe get the R in motion.

Because it’s been going through my head for awhile.

Still GAL. Still process of detaching.

Still missing and wanting her back.

[Gordie]

Pain

You are still thinking of her constantly

And reading the tea leaves of her every word and sigh

Key rule of d b is to do what works

And stop doing what does not work

Your attempts to mind read are not working

Seems like you are the only one trying to save the m

And you are desperately looking for signs she is too

Let me say if she turns back to the m

She will not hide it

You will not have to guess

[Phoenix9]

How can I not if so many little things are piling up?

How else should I see it?

I’m not forcing or pursuing anything.

I’m just trying to dig for more hope.

[Gordie]

Read the detachment thread

Right now your life revolves around w

If she is nice you are happy

If she is mean you are dying inside

She knows she has you wrapped around her finger

Dependent men are unattractive

Be strong and independent and unpredictable

Which will require taking your focus off her

And putting your focus on yourself

To become the man only a fool would leave

[Phoenix9]

Thanks Gordie.

From my impressions and some of the feedback I've been getting, I thought I was doing good.

My day does not revolve around her moods anymore. That's been done since 28 days ago.

I do nice things because I want to, not because she expects me to. It's a process I'm continuing to work on.

I'm not dependent on her. If I am, I am not demonstrating it.

My focus is on myself and D4.

But it keeps feeling like she's sniffing and shyly curious.

[Vanilla]

Honey no. Geordie is right.

You are attached still. Not detached.

If you were detached you wouldn't be still thinking about W. When you can let go (Not the same as moving on, you can still stand) then you it's fine if W does x or y or nothing. You do what you want to do irrespective of W. You and D4 have your life.

You follow your purpose.

Detaching means doing what you want and you follow YOUR purpose. You detach from the outcome fine whatever the outcome as it's your purpose. Following your purpose makes you one very attractive guy in this world. Strong for D4, and you do this for you forget if W is sniffing or not. That's not why you are living your purpose.

Does that mean you aren't doing well? No, you are a long way forward from where you were.

You are beginning to follow your purpose.

It's ok. Your precious D4 is the most wonderful force in your life and is in your life for all of it.

V

[Gordie]

I did not say you were not doing well

I was just giving advice based upon your last few posts

I was where you are now for a long time

Things did not improve for me until I worked on detachment

[Phoenix9]

Thank you for the reality check.

I had a feeling that I still haven’t let go. It’s been very difficult to do. Some days are easier than others. And yesterday and this morning are proving to be very difficult. That doesn’t mean I’m not DBing actively. I’m still doing that but I’m hitting a lurch and experiencing pains.

Last night after a concert I drove out to a park and cried. It’s the first time in almost a month that I have done that. Not sure if it releases some pressure or I suffered a setback.

I just know I’m still in pain. And W’s responses isn’t making DB any easier. It’s giving me a sense of hope. False hope maybe? I don’t know. It’s been 28 days (4 weeks), so while it’s some progress, I have a long way to go (maybe to the rest of this year...I don’t know).

I really wish I found this place 7 months ago. I would be 7 months more along instead of 1.