Spending time today with the kids and staying busy helped me a lot with the resentment anger and depression I am going thru. Trying to grow and change my own short comings one day at a time. The journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step and I have begun my quest. Praying my positive changes will show my W I can change, but I am doing this for myself and children first and all else second but it is so difficult right now. Many other input on how I can detrach besides GAL
Detachment isn't something you do as much as something you become. That is why GAL and staying busy is soooooo important. Not sure if I've stated this in your thread, but I have stated it in other threads, those that struggle the most wtih detachment are those that do a poor job a GAL. I asked another poster a couple of weeks ago, that struggles mightily with detachment despite his sitch being pretty old, what his GAL plans were that evening. His response was "sitting around being bored". And he wonders why he struggles?!?
Keep busy is such a key. When you are filling your time with other activities it becomes less easy to focus on your sitch and on your WAS.
We have a saying around here: fake it until you make it. Part of the "faking" it is to make sure you are constantly busy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the reply. Initially I made common mistakes, saying ILY, trying to hold W, talking about R, etc. I have since stopped and have noticed some slight changes in W. She makes comments occasionally regarding OUR future and wanting to spend time with me. She goes thru emotional changes quickly some minutes she's really talkative others distant and reserved. IDK if these are good signs but I know actions speak louder than words so I assume. I think she is keeping me in suspense tinder if I can truly change my qctions that have driven us apart for so long. I enrolled myself iin behavorial health classes to work on my anger and she took note of that as well.
The WAS will always have ups and downs, you try to be the constant.
In regards to her talking about "our future", believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. This could be a good sign or it could be anything up to outright deceit - maybe she wants you to think things are great while she plans something nefarious.
She may be watching you to see if these changes are real, don't slip.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you for the reply. Yes I am aware that nothing she says should be taken seriously, I have promised her I would change before and have reverted to my old ways quickly there after so I am sure she is watching to see if I am bs ing. I haven't always been the best husband and father such as controlling possessive angry etc. And am taking steps to improve my shortcomings. Making small 180s and ensuring I stay constant in my actions whereas before I was quite unpredictable.
Spent the day GAL, took the s6 d3 fishing, had a great time, enrolled both kiddos into school S 1st D Head start, and avoided contact with W as much as possible. W initated contact via Tex while she was at work asking how day went, responded simply with good. She came straight home from work as she usually does and we played together and did some homework practice with the kids. Watched Movie with her after and fought temptation to talk about MR or R. Wife's asleep now and taking the opportunity to do a little more reading.... Not sure if I am on the right track bit am trying my best to stay busy and productive to keep mind out of the gutter... Definitely hard thou...
Seek, this all seems pretty good. Glad you resisted the temptation to discuss R and the MR. The less you talk about that the better. Be prepared if and when she eventually brings it up to listen and validate. Please read the sticky validation thread and be ready.
Otherwise keep doing days like you did yesterday and you will be on your way to being ready to move forward no matter what she decides.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well this morning early afternoon has been very rough. My mother in law has been living with us for a while....shes very sick, W and I brought her here to stay with us to get her out of an elderly abuse situation....yesterday W thanked me with heartfelt sincerity for helping with her mom and bringing her to stay with us.... I spend all night reading the forums and taking care of her..... Was a bad night..... Then today W wakes up and says she wants to get a place with her mama and she acknowledged that she notices I am trying to change, but it is not enough. I do not consider what I have out her through all these years.... She says if she forgives me she would be letting down her promise to herself and she cannot do that.... I tried to validate to the best of my ability.....i did break down and say I know what I have done I am not denying any of it, I am working in becoming A better person. She says she knows. I did ask her for another chance....(I know moment of weakness) and she said she doesn't know what will happen in the future she didn't deny it was possible......idk what to do or say anymore, yesterday she was talking about us and we. It's just suck a mind fuq to try to keep up.... She hasn't mentioned D for awhile and as I have been told. Before I will no help with any of that leg work regardless..... I appreciate the advice I have gotten so far, and hoping for some insight on what to do how to go from here.... Taking it really hard right now. Thanks in advance.
Remember she is on her own emotional roller-coaster. This is her rebelling against what she is feeling. Your changes have caused her to start to want to stay together. She is rebelling against that. My W did the same thing. SHe'd let down her guard, we'd discuss the future. THen she we say or do something to remind me that she was planning on leaving.
Believe nothing she says. And only half of what she does. Seriously. Tomorrow she might say she wants to file for D right now. The next day that she never wants to see you again. The following day on and on and on and on.
WORDS
WORDS
Ignore them. Keep your head down working on detachment. Working on GAL. Working on 180s. Let her words roll of your back like water off a duck.
Yeah, don't ask for chances anymore. Just listen and validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What makes you think she is rethinking her decisions? Her comments she said this morning? I know she's confused I can see it in her eyes....trying not to push her away and am trying so hard to tell my self to stop biting and it's pushing her away...i know her words don't matter and she can say anything and its only emotions thru lipsing. I have read your sitch Steve and am amazed at your progress and talk your opinions quite seriously. So in your opinion do you think what I described above is a good sign? And if so should I continue to gal detach etc to further obtain favorable results in your opinion? Thanks in advance
