Clean Slate Pt. 2 (Advice on my Scenario Pt. 24)

[Ginger1]

Why O? Because anytime someone tells you are doing something detrimental to yourself, you jump on them, get defensive and then insult them. We help, you take it as pissing. You hear something you don't wan tot hear, but really, is truth, and observed by everyone on the board. You feel pissed on. You ask how to get rid of the headspace, we point out where you are giving it to much and how to HELP you relieve that, you feel pissed on.


That's why.

Really, go back to your regularly scheduled program. I am pretty sick of this cycle myself.

[OrangeK]

So why is it that I get pounced on for every snippet of Passive Aggressiveness, but you seem to be celebrated for it?
Seems awfully hypocritical.



[quote=Ginger1]Why O? Because anytime someone tells you are doing something detrimental to yourself, you jump on them, get defensive and then insult them. We help, you take it as pissing. You hear something you don't wan tot hear, but really, is truth, and observed by everyone on the board. You feel pissed on. You ask how to get rid of the headspace, we point out where you are giving it to much and how to HELP you relieve that, you feel pissed on.

Thats because everyone's answer is the same "Get out and GAL! its all you can do!!"
And i have explained serveral times, that as much as i GAL, she still gets in the headspace.

I explain myself and people just repeat the same advice, over and over again.

Cite example of me jumping on people when they give me advice. I dont see it.
Cite example of me insulting someone. I dont believe i have.

So if GAL doesnt work to get her out of headspace, what is your next recommendation?

[OrangeK]

regardless, if you choose to reply to above post Ginger, Great. If not. Also nbd.

As i said earlier. I am done wasting bandwidth debating with people here.
I will post as i post.
I never forced anyone to comment on my thread.
I have been told before "if you disagree with someones advice, you dont need to call them out on it, just quietly disagree and move on"
the same could be said for all the folks who comment on all my wrongdoing.
I have readily admitted when i was wrong several times, about several topics.

People all claim the "people posting care, and want to help"
I believe that to be 80% true.
I feel as though some people want to be right more than they want to help.
That is the last time I will touch on the idiosyncrasies of the board and how i am treated here in comparison to other posters. I am done debating with people.
Lastly, i had posted last week and earlier this week about Non-EXW stuff, videos i was researching and other stuff.
**CRICKETS**
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, that being said.

I had a long chat with SIL last night about some of my defense mechanisms, some of which are not productive or healthy.
I am going to discuss that with IC next week.
As my asking about EXW is now always met with anger and frustration, i will ignore the advice i have received here previously to post whenever i am feeling lost in how to communicate with her, bounce ideas off you all, and get advice on how to communicate with her. I will only post about my personal development, as asking about my divorcing wife on a divorce forum has been deemed taboo.
In fact, as my opinion on my EXW have basically been viewed by all of you to be wrong, i wont even ask about her anymore.
I feel as thought this greatly defeats the purpose of posting here to begin with, but Ill join the herd and do as i have been told.

if anyone has legitimate questions, ill answer them.
If anyone has advice, ill hear it.

I plan on having a Turkey Club for lunch.
I plan on taking S3 to an amusement park after work.
I plan on going to bed around midnight.
weather looks nice, ill find some outdoor activities to do with S3 this weekend.
i need to rotate my tires and do my rear brakes. boring, that always [censored].
my coffee was on point this morning.
S3's haircut looks nice.
Its Friday.
Chilly out compared to recent weather, fall is coming.
Need some new shoes, and to get my car inspected.
Watched an interesting documentary on Antiquity Architecture the other day. Neat stuff.

[Maika]

I won't dwell on any more points because they have already been made. If you want me to give you a break down of what I am seeing, I will, but it's fairly the same as others have pointed out.

GAL is very important, I won't deny that. It is crucial in the beginning stages because it doesn't allow the LBS to focus on wallowing in self-pity and victimization. GAL should still continue but it's purpose changes over time.

What I want to focus on is this - what are you doing for your personal development? And by that I mean, your character, your habits, your personality.

I remember saying at one point to you - forget her and go deep within yourself. What are you finding when you do that? Are you happy with the person you are currently? Even if the answer is yes, do you not see any areas of growth within yourself?

Outside of GAL, that is the single most important thing I would say you should focus on. Can you pick up new skills for work? Can you pick up better communication skills? Can you become better at using tools, technology etc? Whatever it is, you need to focus on that now.

The more laser focused you become on this stuff and put yourself in a continuous learning environment and mindset, there is no room for your W in your headspace. She will stop taking over mental real estate over time. I know this from experience.

I'll pick one example about something we share as an activity to do - climbing. I didn't just use climbing as a GAL. Well, initially I did, but it quickly changed as soon as I realized its mental benefits for me. I didn't want to just climb for fun, but I wanted to become an elite climber and started scaling my grade levels.

I started watching videos on techniques and then going to each climbing session with a mission to practice. I started watching videos of other climbers to learn from them. I started reading about it. I put all my energy into that and consumed content because I was learning from it. With my injury, I am out right now, but every night, I visualize a climbing grade that I had been working on and start unpacking that puzzle and mentally thinking about my feet and hands and how I was moving on the wall.

In short, I took my mental energy and put it into something I really wanted to learn and become better at. I've recently started photography and I've put all my energy into that as well. I want to learn new things and not just for fun, but to gain mastery.

With photography, I am taking free online courses - you can find tons of stuff on youtube. Through work I have access to a learning portal that has awesome courses too. I am looking up photographers and their work; I am reading about ethics of photography; I am practicing with my phone camera; I couldn't afford an expensive camera and lenses, but I downloaded this app for free that gives me almost all the same controls as a DSLR on my phone.

Get into learning mode with the aim of achieving mastery. Don't give up on it. It will be hard but your energy is focused on that. I still do GAL because I like to have fun and enjoy life, but I don't let my mind go to waste. I follow tons of climbers and photographers on IG and am constantly consuming their content to achieve mastery.

Take complete ownership of your life and mind. The other thing that has helped me is that I've stopped complaining. I choose to take a wider perspective on any issue and life and understand what I can control and cannot. And with what I can control, I can do so much.

So make a decision of if you're going to let your W and your past control you or you're going to step out and grow as a person and truly put in the time and energy to learn. We all have time. As I told you once, I had mapped out my day and saw how many hours I had that I could've used. And once I saw that, I changed it all up.

Don't just GAL. Go and become a master at something.

[JRuss]

Just a quick piece of unsolicited advice first: you have some great posters in your thread; don't run them off.

So you asked what else you could do to the extent GAL by itself isn't cutting the amount of head space your ex has. I'm an enormous fan and advocate for mindfulness meditation. I get the sense that you, like me, have an extremely ruminative mind. You chew on and parse over what she writes, you dive deeply into trying to find meaning in any of it, you go back in time and live in those horrible past moments, and you jump forward and worry about moments that haven't happened yet . . . it is a painful, destructive way to live. I'm not judging you -- it was my reality, too.

I don't want to say I don't still ruminate. Once a cud-chewer, always a cud-chewer. But what a mindfulness practice gives you is a rewired brain and, with it, the ability to notice you're ruminating/stressing/worrying/getting lost in your head, etc., break the downward cycle and come back to the moment (where she and your memories and worries can't, and aren't ever going to, hurt you.).

So that's my own personal answer to your "head space" question: start meditating. Today. It will help you, but you have to stick with it. 6-8 weeks from now, probably sooner, you'll realize out of the blue that you just don't get upset or worry or wonder about her texts or, frankly, anything else she does or says to you. You'll see them for what they are: simple pixels on a screen scratched out by an unhappy, unhealthy person you were once in a romantic relationship with whom you now only co-parent.

Status quo isn't working -- nothing to lose. At the very least your blood pressure will come down, and that's even if none of what I'm talking about comes to pass.

[OrangeK]

I won't dwell on any more points because they have already been made. If you want me to give you a break down of what I am seeing, I will, but it's fairly the same as others have pointed out.

Please do. you have a way of wording things that make sense to me.

GAL is very important, I won't deny that. It is crucial in the beginning stages because it doesn't allow the LBS to focus on wallowing in self-pity and victimization. GAL should still continue but it's purpose changes over time.

D&D, hiking, and camping have been great GAL activities.

What I want to focus on is this - what are you doing for your personal development? And by that I mean, your character, your habits, your personality.

trying to balance my emotions. reading a lot about spiritual balance. Not letting my anger control my mouth.

I remember saying at one point to you - forget her and go deep within yourself. What are you finding when you do that? Are you happy with the person you are currently? Even if the answer is yes, do you not see any areas of growth within yourself?

I find that she is connected to almost anything i can think of. When i try to forget her, she wiggles her way into my mind. I am happy with the person i am, but not where i am at financially, living wise, and professionally. I am happy with who i am but there is always room for improvement. I could use to be more compassionate, and to drop the anger and hatred of what EXW did. That is a big challenege. trying to get to the apathy stage.

Outside of GAL, that is the single most important thing I would say you should focus on. Can you pick up new skills for work? Can you pick up better communication skills? Can you become better at using tools, technology etc? Whatever it is, you need to focus on that now.

I want to start doing more hand crafts, carving, blacksmithing, foundry work. All require tools i cannot afford yet, but I am looking at creative ways to do them on a budget.
I need to get back into a firehouse. Leaving my apartment back in Jan. caused me to need to resign from the Fire Dept i was on due to residency requirements. the city i moved to doesnt do volunteer runs. HUGE considering factor on where i move next.

The more laser focused you become on this stuff and put yourself in a continuous learning environment and mindset, there is no room for your W in your headspace. She will stop taking over mental real estate over time. I know this from experience.

I thought this would have happened by now, as its almost been a year from BD, and more so since she was seeing OM. like a year and 5 months or so there.
She finds her way in several times a day, and evicting her is hard work.
waiting for the day this doesnt happen, trying.

I'll pick one example about something we share as an activity to do - climbing. I didn't just use climbing as a GAL. Well, initially I did, but it quickly changed as soon as I realized its mental benefits for me. I didn't want to just climb for fun, but I wanted to become an elite climber and started scaling my grade levels.

I started watching videos on techniques and then going to each climbing session with a mission to practice. I started watching videos of other climbers to learn from them. I started reading about it. I put all my energy into that and consumed content because I was learning from it. With my injury, I am out right now, but every night, I visualize a climbing grade that I had been working on and start unpacking that puzzle and mentally thinking about my feet and hands and how I was moving on the wall.

In short, I took my mental energy and put it into something I really wanted to learn and become better at. I've recently started photography and I've put all my energy into that as well. I want to learn new things and not just for fun, but to gain mastery.

With photography, I am taking free online courses - you can find tons of stuff on youtube. Through work I have access to a learning portal that has awesome courses too. I am looking up photographers and their work; I am reading about ethics of photography; I am practicing with my phone camera; I couldn't afford an expensive camera and lenses, but I downloaded this app for free that gives me almost all the same controls as a DSLR on my phone.

Get into learning mode with the aim of achieving mastery. Don't give up on it. It will be hard but your energy is focused on that. I still do GAL because I like to have fun and enjoy life, but I don't let my mind go to waste. I follow tons of climbers and photographers on IG and am constantly consuming their content to achieve mastery.

My workouts have waned recently due to moving, i cant get to the outdoor climbing area too often here at home as its a bit of a drive away. I have put a large focus on my writing, worldbuilding and gaming. I immerse myself in those worlds for hours at a time when i have free time.

Take complete ownership of your life and mind. The other thing that has helped me is that I've stopped complaining. I choose to take a wider perspective on any issue and life and understand what I can control and cannot. And with what I can control, I can do so much.

Talking less IRL about EXW might help. which i do ALOT less of than i used to.

So make a decision of if you're going to let your W and your past control you or you're going to step out and grow as a person and truly put in the time and energy to learn. We all have time. As I told you once, I had mapped out my day and saw how many hours I had that I could've used. And once I saw that, I changed it all up.

I made the decision to let go of EXW a long time ago, the issue is getting my subconcious to do the same. I dont choose to have her in my head, and i dont feel as though i control what my subconcious lets me think of. this is my major hurdle.
I think the lack of closure really hurts me here, i know ill never get it but im still trying to figure out why it has me so stagnant that I havent and wont get it. Not having ever gotten or knowing i will never get validation from her, an addmitance of her wrongdoings is still something that really eats at me. Coupled with the fact that the TRO took away any opportunity for me to truly speak my mind is hard too, as i am court ordered to only talk about S3.
I struggle with not getting my last word in, i think we've seen that here.
I dont NEED to be right, but i do have a need to make sure i am heard and understood.
Maybe a side effect of being the youngest of 3 siblings? who knows.

Don't just GAL. Go and become a master at something.

I seem to be masterful at pissing people off.
In all seriousness though, i agree, but it wont make EXW go away in my head.
I think the only things that will do that are Time, Finalizing D, the TRO getting lifted so its not a leverage point for her to manipulate, more time, and eventually meeting someone else when i am ready.

[OrangeK]

Just a quick piece of unsolicited advice first: you have some great posters in your thread; don't run them off.

So you asked what else you could do to the extent GAL by itself isn't cutting the amount of head space your ex has. I'm an enormous fan and advocate for mindfulness meditation. I get the sense that you, like me, have an extremely ruminative mind. You chew on and parse over what she writes, you dive deeply into trying to find meaning in any of it, you go back in time and live in those horrible past moments, and you jump forward and worry about moments that haven't happened yet . . . it is a painful, destructive way to live. I'm not judging you -- it was my reality, too.

glad someone gets it. it blows.

I don't want to say I don't still ruminate. Once a cud-chewer, always a cud-chewer. But what a mindfulness practice gives you is a rewired brain and, with it, the ability to notice you're ruminating/stressing/worrying/getting lost in your head, etc., break the downward cycle and come back to the moment (where she and your memories and worries can't, and aren't ever going to, hurt you.).

better than i was in April, guess im just a late bloomer, and very susceptible to setbacks. I loved her hard. and knowing i was NEVER loved back is really, really, tough. Im getting there. Slowly.

So that's my own personal answer to your "head space" question: start meditating. Today. It will help you, but you have to stick with it. 6-8 weeks from now, probably sooner, you'll realize out of the blue that you just don't get upset or worry or wonder about her texts or, frankly, anything else she does or says to you. You'll see them for what they are: simple pixels on a screen scratched out by an unhappy, unhealthy person you were once in a romantic relationship with whom you now only co-parent.

I have been meditating. It has helped, again, slowly. She knows exactly how to push my buttons, she literally trained for it for years while we were "Happy".
ill throw a phuckin party the day she cannot make my heartrate jump when she decides to push or pull.

Status quo isn't working -- nothing to lose. At the very least your blood pressure will come down, and that's even if none of what I'm talking about comes to pass.

Lol. nothing seems to be working, not in time anyway.
Keep on truckin'

[Maika]

In all seriousness though, i agree, but it wont make EXW go away in my head.

This is a limiting belief. If you can't even come to a place where you believe that she can be out of your head, if you can't even IMAGINE that, you cannot create a path to reach there. I am sorry, but you can jump around and scream it out loud that you want her out of your head, but if you don't BELIEVE you can, then you won't. That's your first step. Visualize the reality and life where she's not in your head. Straight up truth.

I think the only things that will do that are Time, Finalizing D, the TRO getting lifted so its not a leverage point for her to manipulate, more time, and eventually meeting someone else when i am ready.

Time doesn't heal $hit. Don't you know someone who's still bitter about something that happened to them years ago, and they let that moment of their life define who they are now? I know people like that.

Time doesn't heal you, YOU do! You have to put in the work for yourself. Finalizing the D, lifting the TRO, etc are pit stops in your journey. They are events that won't magically heal you.

You have work to do. This is not easy. This is hard and struggling work. But it is the most rewarding work. I wasn't as ruminative about my W's texts etc, but I did analyze every little thing until it was exhausting and I didn't feel any better and I didn't know any better. You're just doing it a higher degree than anyone else. Aren't you tired of this?

First personal milestone and goal - I will do the work to be able to not obsess over little things in life, including what people say and do. I will learn the subtle art of not giving a f$uck (Mark Manson's words).

I can't give you the recipe. The recipe is in the work and practice. You can read crapload of books, but if you don't embrace the suck, you're not going to learn and grow. Again, I know this is hard, but it is the only way out.

I completely cosign JRuss on the meditation. I love it and it has done wonders for me. Stick with it for at least 3 months before you make a decision whether it works for you or not.

[JRuss]

The key with meditation is the frequency/regularity -- every day (don't miss any - there's always 15 minutes you can find, always), not quantity (although quantity is good if you have the time). I find even now, if I miss a few days, I start backsliding. Not back to where the ex worries me, but to places that make me not as good a parent, co-worker or friend as I want and need to be. What you're literally doing in the first few months is digging out new neural pathways -- roadways in your brain! But then you still have to keep them paved and maintained forever (regular practice), to strain the metaphor beyond the breaking point, because, for whatever reason, they seem to want to fade away back into the jungle.

[OrangeK]

How have you LBH's dropped your physical attraction?
I find that really keeps me hung up.
I have yet to see, or meet a woman i feel even compares to EXW as far as natural attraction and looks.

I set it in my head she was the love of my life, the only woman id ever be with again and is still in my mind so damn gorgeous.
How do you move past that?