I’m new to DB and I can see it’s a great community. My W and I have been married for 14 years next week and have two beautiful daughters (9 and 4). Two weeks ago I made an innocuous comment at the first day of school for my 9 year old and that resulted in a text asking for a separation. We’ve had our share of communication issues, but I didn’t expect it to go directly to separation.
Through our relationship we’ve always had some communication issues but it’s become much more prevalent in the last two years. My W had a very difficult childhood where she was raised by and Aunt and Uncle in another country and had a forced reunion with biological family when she was 15 in the US. She did not receive a lot of affection in her younger years and had a bit of cinderella experience. It’s taken her years to work through those emotions and as you can imagine plays a part in how we communicate in our marriage. I lost a parent tragically when I was young and that has affected me and how I’m able to express myself as well. So, bottom line is we both came in with some baggage, but for many years helped each other grow.
After the birth of our second daughter things began to get more stressful. I changed careers which included a longer commute. I certainly take this stress home with me which is not good. My W is successful in her career and has been the primary breadwinner throughout our relationship. That said, in the last 4 or 5 years my career has really started to blossom, but there is still resentment that I can’t seem to overcome.
Her mother and aunt passed two years ago and things really started to get difficult for her emotionally. That coupled with a stressful ‘hitting the glass ceiling’ work environment has made her more and more stressed out. Our arguments would typically start because I was not being empathetic or would offer unwanted advice and then she would go from 0 to 100 in seconds. She’s got a hot temper. I would chase her around apologizing even if I didn’t think I was wrong and she would then need a day to cool off. In the last two years she threw out ‘why don’t you Divorce me then’ a handful of times when I tried to express my frustrations. I ignored those signs thinking it was just a threat given her hot headed nature.
I’ve increasingly thought she should get 1 on 1 counseling for her work stress/parent loss mourning as well as couples therapy, but I was honestly too scared to open my mouth.
Fast forward to present day. One of our problems has been centered around my own issues with being the center of attention. In public I don’t want the spotlight on me. She’s gregarious and could care less and honestly that’s one of the things I’m attracted to. I have a tendency to put my insecurities on her in public and it drives her crazy. It should. I totally get it and have made efforts at improving myself. I think I’ve been much better at it the last couple years, but 2 weeks ago at the first day of school I blew it. she wanted to look in the classroom when the new teacher was lining up the kids. The teacher clearly wanted parents to leave. I asked my W what she was doing. She said she wanted to see if the classrooms had A/C. I said ‘of course they do it’s a new building’. This was quiet and between us, but in front of other parents although I doubt anyone heard it. Regardless it was a tipping point and she blew up. I got a text later asking for a Separation. This is also a week my mother, Aunt and Uncle are all visiting from out of state in my house….fun.
That day I was in shock and tried to meet her at work. She wanted none of that and even went as far as to say ‘stop texting, I’m recording this’….I backed off. Later in the day I received emails about kids and separation and she told me to start looking for a place to live. We had a very brief conversation that night where she said she needs to be away from me and if I don’t give it to her it’s straight to divorce.
The next morning she emailed and said that since my daughter is in a new school and having a tough adjustment (she didn’t want to leave old school) she would wait until 9/15 before the ‘separation’. We would reassess at that time. I of course take that as an opening to change things. I asked if we could see a couples therapist and she agreed.
I had a 1 on 1 session within days and she said she would do the same. To my knowledge she has not scheduled anything yet. We had one session with a therapist this week. The therapist was good and tried to slow things down since we have not been in counseling yet. My W was not very responsive to things, but agreed to have 5 minute conversations daily with me. We have another appointment this coming Tuesday.
It’s crazy, although life has been stressful and we haven’t been communicating well we still enjoyed each other, had fun with our kids, went on outings, playdates and dinners with friends. We lived a life together until two weeks ago. Now I’m invisible in the house. Sleeping on the couch. Kids don’t know yet, but they’ll figure it out soon…at least the 9 year old will. We’re pretty good in front of the kids, but until yesterday she’s been unable to speak to me 1 on 1.
Two nights ago in our 5 minute talk she expressed that she didn’t realize how ‘dire’ the situation was until we met with the therapist. That’s mind blowing to me since she’s the one that asked for the separation. Our session was focused on her anger towards me and how I can change. The second night I was honest about how I argue with her as this was a point she made with the therapist and admitted that at times I deny we are not on the same page. Her discussion points centered around the actual public interaction we had. Said it hurts her so much because it makes her feel like I’m ashamed of her. She doesn’t believe that I actually have a public insecurity issue. I understand that she shouldn’t have to accept that about me, but her take is that I’m embarassed by her. That was hard to hear and I feel really badly about that.
Last night she came back from an event and actually was able to small talk with me about the event. we had our 5 minute talk and I expressed how I empathize with her and feel bad that I make her feel that way. She asked more about why I act that way and I tried to explain. I’m not 100% sure I even know. I need my own help in that department. What blew my mind though was that next she said ‘when do we tell our friends’. Really hurt that she cares about that. She doesn’t realize that she is the WAS. Somehow she implies I’m the one walking away because the focus has been on how I make her feel. I have supressed a lot of emotions over the years about how I’m treated for fear of how it would set her off. All that is making me really angry.
I have not agreed to move out. She is the breadwinner, but I’m the one that comes home everyday to relieve our nanny ( we live in LA and have commute so we have to have help in picking up kids). She’s had months of business travel where she would be gone from Monday - thurs/friday and I would take care of the kids and work, yet the assumption is I move out. I’m thinking about custody battles yet, but I fear if it gets there it will be nasty. I won’t settle for seeing my girls every other weekend.
Anyway, She’s starting to plan weekend outings without me with the girls. She said ‘you need to start thinking of you not us’. I should point out that in her life she has made sudden and complete breaks from multiple close friends and family members. In her own therapy dealing with her childhood she was counseled to walk away from people that don’t make her feel happy or treat her badly. That is probably good for her. That said I always new I may be one of those people if it goes badly.
I’m going to try and detach now. I think I’ll be in the house with her for at least another 3 weeks. I’m not sure how to handle it. Although she talks as if I need to leave mid September it still feels like maybe I have a chance. This was all so sudden. I do feel that if we had some time we could slowly mend this, but once I’m out of the house I think it’s over. At that point it’s all about the kids.
My next couples session is Tuesday. I’m struggling how to handle things until then and in that room. The therapist is clearly trying to help us at least engage and she’s sent me emails with some advice so I’m just trying to figure out how to handle my next few steps.
Personally I have been working out daily and taking care of my appearance. I haven’t had a drink- I don’t have a a problem per se, but I do have a drink or two daily. I’m going out with a friend tonight. I’m trying.
I am reading DB and I ordered DR. Am I at the LRT stage at this point?
