W decided that it would be good idea for them to move to the other state before the school year started. I didn't necessarily love the idea, but I agreed for the girls. They moved 7/15 (the other state is down south, so the school year starts early). I stayed behind to take care of the house we were selling.
On 8/10 my wife told me that she had been thinking about it for awhile
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You mentioned later that she wants to move back now? I would definitely support her in that, because if she stays in another state your child custody may be zero. If she moves back you have a much better shot at an equal custody agreement. I know this is tough right now, but you should consult a lawyer to discuss this because if she doesn't move back you need a plan of action.
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My situation is unique in that W is in the other state, and I have no way of showing her my changes.
Oh you'd be surprised. We've had people here before who were dealing with a WAS in a different state or even different country and it's amazing just how much the WAS knows about what the LBS is up to. WAS's love to talk about how they are done and finished with the LBS while secretly asking friends and family about them and snooping on their social media accounts. A classic WAS move is to block the LBS from social media and then use friends to snoop on their feeds anyway. One thing we don't talk about much here is that Sandi's rules apply as much to your online behavior as your in-person behavior. Always conduct yourself online with dignity and respect. Act "as if" you've moved on, and all of other Sandi's rules.
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I had started dieting and exercising again. I have lost 17 pounds since 7/15, so I'm probably in the best shape I've been in since before our first child was born. I quit chewing tobacco (which she always hated) on 8/1. That resulted in me getting to better early and getting proper rest, since nicotine is an adrenaline stem and made me a night owl.
Awesome start on your 180's! Just keep in mind that initially she'll think "too little too late" or that they are just tricks to get her back. Stick to your 180's over the long haul and eventually she'll know they're real.
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I've also built up a healthy dose of bitterness. I don't understand how she could do this without even being interested in reconcilation/counseling.
Well she may have expressed it to you, but not in ways that were obvious to you. My XW suggested counseling before she BD'd me, but I completely misunderstood what she meant. I thought she was worried about ME leaving! I told her we didn't need MC, because I had no plans on leaving. Little did I know that she was thinking about it. Anyway, many WAS's have trouble communicating, they think they are telling us by dropping hints but they don't realize we don't understand hints.
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Plus, the girls love living in the other state, and she wants to keep the girls down there through the school year. I'm not really sure what to do or say about that.
OK that's too long. Definitely talk to a lawyer, because if they are there that long then you may lose your rights. A court is likely to say "well you didn't take action for a year, so you must not have missed your children as much as you're saying or you would have fought for them right away."
Please do not fall into the trap of thinking you should let your W do whatever she wants because that'll make recon a better possibility. It is in fact the opposite, the more you fight for your kids the more respect she will have for you (even though she will complain about it).
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I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories.
Most of the stories here are success stories. If you mean "recon" stories then yeah, not all stories here end in recon. BUT, many don't end in recon because the LBS moves on and by the time the WAS decides they are interested in recon, the LBS no longer is. I've seen it happen MANY times. The WAS leaves, the LBS mourns, then builds a new life, then becomes strong and independent and happy, then suddenly the WAS comes crawling back. What does the LBS think? I've heard them say it right here- "That was the worst misery I've ever been through, but I survived and even thrive now and am stronger than ever, why would I want to potentially put myself through that again?" If you ask people here if they are willing to wait a month for the WAS to return they will all tell you yes. 6 months, most would still say yes. A year? Many will say no. 2 years? 3 years? 5 years? Yes it can indeed take that long, and no, most people do not have the willingness or patience to give it that long. If you're willing to give it that long your chances of recon are better than you think.
