Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

It's been a while since I wrote in my own thread, mainly because there hasn't been much to report. I am continuing to do my own thing - commuting by bike, yoga, rock climbing, meditation, seeing an in person IC as well as an on-line one. I also just started teaching classes again which is a fun challenge but stressful in its own right. Keeping busy has generally not been a problem, especially during the week. At times I struggle to find time to keep up the house, water the vegetable garden that belonged to the W, walk the dog and get her enough exercise, prep my meals, etc... On the weekends I have the opposite problem as I really don't have much to do, or people to hang out with. I make an effort to go out to eat even if it by myself, and take in a movie, but Saturdays in particular are when the feelings of loneliness are most acute. I realize that establishing a stronger social network is key, I think it will just take some time.

On Tuesday I met up with a divorced/separated meet-up group. It was an interesting experience as there were only a half dozen people and almost all of them had at least 2-3 decades on me, a couple of them had been married for 49 years! It was quite an experience to hear their stories and perspectives in person as opposed to reading them on here. Ultimately, I was hoping to meet people a bit closer to my own age to fill out my social network, so it was disappointing on that front.

The W comes by twice a week to walk the dog and I leave whatever mail comes for her on the table, but I am out GALing whenever she comes by (on purpose.) The other day she sent me an email going over some small bills that we share and how we are going to handle them. She also talked about how she felt uncomfortable and not sure how to interact with me when she saw me at the gym the previous Friday night, and asking me how I would like to handle those encounters. That was quite the surprise to me, because while I was at the gym, I didn't notice her there! I simply told her that I didn't see her but that my plan was to head to the gym most Friday nights. The implication being, if she wants to go anyway that's her right, but I am not adjusting my schedule.

In general my mood and attitude has been positive. However, when I do think about the sitch my emotions tend much more towards anger and resentment rather than sadness, longing or anything else. I never thought I had committed myself to someone with so little loyalty or patience. Love is a choice and an action, and I chose to love her through her depression and rough times. She chose to run away. I understand this is yet another stage of grief, but it is more pleasant than some of the other stages. Again, this isn't overwhelming anger or rage - it is just thoughts/emotions that bubble up in random moments that I try to listen to and hold lightly without letting myself get caught up in them.

One thing that I have been struggling with and would like to hear more from this board about is dating. I have felt an urge to date in recent weeks and have an online account with a service, but I haven't written/spoken with anyone, nor followed through at all. I think the urge to date comes from a few sources - the desire to move on, the desire to fill in the gaps of my social network, the desire to not waste any more of my time as I am getting up there in age if I want to start a family, and probably more. On the other side of the ledger I do worry about whether I have given myself enough time to grieve, whether I am in a strong enough position emotionally and mentally, whether I am ready to be open to a new relationship and give it a fair shot. I'm not so much worried about the effect it would have on the W, since I have no expectations or hope (and a dwindling to scant desire) for any type of R. In the past, before my MR I did a lot of dating and actually enjoyed it a good deal even though it rarely led to any long-term Rs, and I think I would enjoy the social element of it. Especially at my age, in the city I live in it seems like that is one of the better ways to meet new people. Doing the bar scene is simply not appealing.

I'd love to hear feedback and take my share of 2x4s for this.