Regarding DBing, I say it's not working because it doesn't seem to be getting any results in our MR, except making her mad. I know the MC stuff is good, but our first conversation after BD she said that it's a possibility. Maybe she's more serious about it now, but again, nothing seems to have really changed in her overall feelings towards me/us.
So I went back and reread your first post. BD was a few weeks ago. And you expect a couple weeks of DBing to make her completely turnaround and want R and to work on the MR? Those are very unrealistic expectations.
This is what you should expect: Rather than pursuing and pressuring and ending up D'd and emotionally wrecked by everything, DBing will make you relieve the pursuit and pressure and give her and your sitch room and time to breathe. But more importantly DBing helps you to be emotionally OK to move on to the next phase of your life REGARDLESS of what she decides.
There is no magic bullet. There is no "do this and she will come around". If there were this message board would be so short because it would be LBS posting here is my sitch, what do I do? And one response to it with the MAGIC BULLET. If you are DBing to get her to come around to the MR then you will fail. If you DB to heal yourself to be ready no matter what then there is a chance she will get interested in your changes and come around.
ALso you told the story about issues causing people to bail on her. No one is suggesting you bail on her. Detaching is not about bailing. That is what listening and validating is to avoid! She talks, you listen, you validate. DO NOT get in a tit-for-tat, it will only make things worse. Read the detachment thread. Detachment is about you now reacting emotionally to what she says and does. It is not about BAILING on her.
T, just breathe.....relax.......dig in because this is going to take a long time. Drop the negativity, embrace DBing for YOURSELF not her, and learn to be ok no matter what she says or does.
P.S. MY brother took his son to see Metallica (my brother';s favorite band) when he wasn't much older than 8. Your son will be fine (though I do suggest earplugs).
As usual, you're right, and I get it.
No, I don't expect a quick fix. It took years to get us to where we are (at least according to her). I don't expect things to be 'great' in a few weeks. Maybe I figured when the EA blew up, and she said (and said again last night), that it kind of knocked her back into reality, and she started asking herself 'wtf am I doing?', I guess I figured her saying that would carryover into our R. Maybe it has a little bit, but I think it's more to do with being exposed, having her closest friends turn on her, etc.
Like, this past week was really good I think. We talked a lot, made dinner together twice, watched a movie together, etc. But when I went 'out' yesterday evening, that's when she got really mad, and we're kind of back to square one. That's my point about GALing. It seemed to have the opposite effect.
Also regarding GAL, i said i went out 5 times or whatever. That is a big 180 for me. But in addition to that, me and son have done several things without her, and I also have kept busy with other stuff. So while yes, it is helping me deal with the sitch, it doesn't seem to be helping OUR sitch (if that makes sense).
Before she left for work today, she made some small talk. She said for me to think about if I'm into MC, and she has 2 counselors in mind. Apparently she forgot she told me that last night. lol. I told her I'd be willing, but only if we're both 100% committed. She said 'I understand', and that was it.
I saw Metallica once back in 92 or whatever w/ GnR and Faith No More. lol. I could care less about seeing them now, but it does bum me out that I won't be there with my son for his 1st concert.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
