Arshi, good to see you back -hope you are well during these tough times. You and the women here always make me think and dig deep inside for answers and I appreciate that.
If she were to return in a couple of months will you be willing to work on the R? I know you really wanted to save the MR but have you thought about in recent times ? Do you know what you will need to se from her if and when she returns?
I now I really had to think about this. My answer stands for the present- If she were to want to R now at her present state(spiritually, mentally emotionally and physically) my answer would be - NO. But taking this a step further, First and foremost I made a covenant to God , to my W in front of friends and family and I am a MAN of God and a MAN of HONOR and I will honor my vows. Secondly In my vows it said in good and in bad, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health -till death do us part. My priest put it to me this way. He said, - When you got married you were 2 people that became 1 (1 flesh) in the eyes of God. Now that your wife is possibly sick ( possibly not mentally stable or going thru an internal crisis). Should she be easily discarded? In other words If you had an infected finger would your first reaction be to cut it off? I said of course not! My priest responded by saying you made a vow in sickness and in health - like an infection this must be properly addressed and cared for along with proper healing and maintenance. The other part is I am a MAN of GOD so I must strive to do as Jesus taught us. In all of Jesus' teachings he said " Love one another as I have loved you!". That means to LOVE unconditionally! Agape Love- slow to anger quick to extend graces and with steadfast love. So no matter what - I must be willing to forgive and continue to love. How can I expect God to forgive me when I cannot forgive W. One other thing- LOVE is not just words and actions- it is a choice! This is a choice I will have to make at the time provided I feel it is right for S and I. The last piece of this equation is realization. Now that I see how unattractive W is being the most unhealthy and heaviest she has been makes me realize how unattractive I must have been at 255- 260 lbs with defeated mindset. I look at past pics and see how she must have felt. Did I deserve for her to knock down my house of cards with out wanting to repair and reinforce it? NO -but I can see how this can be unattractive. I have come along way but I am permanently under construction working to be the best ME.
So this is all hypothetical. If she were to want to come back - it would be with boundaries and conditions. Some of these would be : She would have to abandon her New Age Religion beliefs or and other spiritual beliefs other than our Catholic faith. If you are asking me to choose between W and God. There is no choice. We must walk in the same faith on the same path and should attend some faith base MC that emphasizes a solution based reconciliation. She must also put in the work to fix internally what is broken - thru IC or medication what ever it is. For her to want to leave with no beating, no cheating or abuse- in order for this not to happen again she needs to find the root cause -possibly FOO- abandonment issues ( her mom was alcoholic and Dad cheated on mom numerous times and she lost her Dad at a work accident at 15) . Whatever it is it needs to be addressed. She must be totally transparent in her doings with her phone and computer passwords as must I to show honesty and integrity. She must repair the damage she created with S and I. To rebuild our TRUST to a place we once had. These are some of the things I would consider- I am sure there is more but this is just a short list off the top of my head.
For any of this to happen - W must first make the decision that R is what she wants to persue. At this point she has been consistent in her words and actions of wanting D. I know now that I have evolved somewhat into someone that is more grounded , stable and more positive. I do still cycle between emotions of hi and low but also I know I can only control what I do. We have a saying in my house that I taught S when he was younger- " Just do your best- And let GOD do the rest!" Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
LoneWlf, I respect everything you say in your last message. I believe that's the right approach. Those are the same reasons why I've stay committed to my husband and wish to reconcile with him under the right circumstances. If your wife gets a chance to do those things you state above she has to take it seriously and you can't back down. If you back down she'll see that she can have it both ways and she could stray again. As I wrote in my post I think the hardline approach works much better with wayward and walkway spouses although this is based on my own experience and mistakes.
I'm a religious person but I'm not a straight Christian anymore and I'm not into new age beliefs either - it's too much of an off topic to write more about religion on your thread except to say it's 100% right to choose your faith over your wife because when you die someday you'll be judged (according to what Christians believe) on your own actions and your own faith, not on your wife's actions. You're accountable for yourself so choosing your faith not only is right for you but it sets a strong example for your son and everyone else as well. I commend you for that.
The desire to only want to R under the right circumstances is a sign that we are growing and healing. Unemeshed, Detached, no longer co-dependent. Not the only necessary transformation but a huge one. We desire a healthy MR, not just this person that has rejected us.
I say this not only to point it out but also to mark the accomplishment.
IMO, it marks the point that we no longer just feel Dumped. Where hopefully we realize at least many of the problems that existed in our MR prior to BD. The toxic atmosphere that lead to our sitches.
A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 21:9
I know that for me, it is the first type of movement that feels like progress. Where at once you thought that your world was falling apart, we are now in a position to have standards. God bless!
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. Proverbs 12:4!
I love this verse! So profound. If more men looked for women with noble character instead of how gorgeous, hot, and physically attractive she is then there would be a lot more happy Hs. I fell into this same trap too. Went after the looks and thought I got lucky in the noble character too. But feel for the "it is more important what people think, than what the truth actually is" trap with her.
In fact, that is what has been bothering me lately. EA in 2005 (headed towards PA). EA end of last year (less likely to be a PA due to distance). While I contributed to both situations, and I am determined not to repeat my mistakes a third time, I wonder if I will be living life constantly looking over my shoulder.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LW, forgive me for the sidebar. I believe the point will benefit us all.
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In fact, that is what has been bothering me lately. EA in 2005 (headed towards PA). EA end of last year (less likely to be a PA due to distance). While I contributed to both situations, and I am determined not to repeat my mistakes a third time, I wonder if I will be living life constantly looking over my shoulder.
Steve, I feel you. Let me ask you. In a recent post in my thread, you said it didn't matter. Now if you caught your W in either an EA or PA, would you be done?
Last edited by RR17; 08/24/1803:20 PM.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
LW, forgive me for the sidebar. I believe the point will benefit us all.
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In fact, that is what has been bothering me lately. EA in 2005 (headed towards PA). EA end of last year (less likely to be a PA due to distance). While I contributed to both situations, and I am determined not to repeat my mistakes a third time, I wonder if I will be living life constantly looking over my shoulder.
Steve, I feel you. Let me ask you. In a recent post in my thread, you said it didn't matter. Now if you caught your W in either an EA or PA, would you be done?
Well let me clarify the "it wouldn't matter". That was meant in context of before we moved to R and piecing. If you remember my sitch, my W was wayward. There was EA OM1. Then there was potential EA OM2. Then there was the dating profiles. Etc. After BD she continue EA#1. Then it ended a few weeks later and OM2 appeared. OM2's appearance didn't matter that time for what I NEEDED to do.Which was detach, 180s, GAL, be the best Steve85 I could be.
What I am alluding to here is the fact that I worry that if after R and piecing I slip back into my old normal and help create a new EA from her because she has a flaw in her nobleness of character. That's what I am worried about.
But since at this point an EA would be completely new sitch I'd have to process everything, weigh what I want, and move forward either with DBing (again) or saying 3 times the charm you're outta here. To be honest I am not sure what I would do at that point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Fair enough answer. With piecing, I would imagine comes expectations. Tell yourself whatever you want. You don't have to have completed R to be human enough to have some expectation.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Fair enough answer. With piecing, I would imagine comes expectations. Tell yourself whatever you want. You don't have to have completed R to be human enough to have some expectation.
Agreed. 100%. But since she hasn't behaved at all in a wayward manner since late February I would consider any new wayward behavior as a relapse as opposed to the continuation of the previous waywardness.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
RR-S85. No worries about the sidebar- thanks for the valuable information I may need it in the future.
Anyways just dropping in. S16 and I are planning for the upcoming school year. We are off shortly to get school supplies.I found out that W has gone to see her mom and sis for the week because she offered to take S with her. He did not respond. We had a good run in the city baseball championships. We placed 7th overall but managed to knock out the 2nd place team in the quarter finals and then eventually lost to the 1st place team in semi finals. I am so proud of him and his teammates. I did bring up Ws bday to my S and i said I would support his decision - he said he did not want to do anything. As for me I continue on this journey. Making myself - my health -my S a priority. Often times struggling with the poor me status. I am getting many compliments at the gym which are nice. I am really starting to feel that my W does not deserve me. Having replayed the R and seeing my contributions - my actions - my words- my failures . I feel that I did things with my full intent with the well being of my family as my objective. For my failures I have taken ownership and work steadily on making me better in those departments. I'm not totally sure that I want my W back. I know this can all change. I feel as though -I deserve better- I deserve more - I deserve to be happy! I am fully aware that I do not need that from my W although I still feel angry and betrayed because of her actions. I went to a family get together yesterday - got a bunch of compliments on my appearance but I was also reminded of my broken family with all the families surrounding me. Just focused on having fun with S16. This journey continues- one day at a time where the focus is on S and I and our path to happiness and fulfillment. My prayers are for peace in ALL our lives. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
LW hang in there man. I am sure there are lot of temptations to fall into "poor me" and "I want what others have thinking". Actually as I read this:
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I went to a family get together yesterday - got a bunch of compliments on my appearance but I was also reminded of my broken family with all the families surrounding me. Just focused on having fun with S16.
I thought of the old saying by Helen Keller: “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”
Intact family is shoes. Your son is feet.
I have a very good friend, I go to the gun range with him often. He almost 60 and has never even had a GF. Let alone a sexual relationship where he could have a child. Be thankful for your boy (and I know you are!).
Please pray for me friend. Fell away from the church several decades ago due to depression. I am trying to be the city set on a hill for him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
