Thanks LoneWlf and Arsh for checking in. My daughter and I got sick last week while she's been off school for summer break. Then yesterday we were supposed to fly to the West coast to visit friends and we cancelled because we're both still sick. Other than that there are no major updates. I really wanted to come here and post to others' threads but I've been exhausted. One of the worst things about being a single mom with no family to help out is when you get sick - there's just no one to offer relief. I can't ask my friends because no one else wants to get sick. They offer to bring food or medicine but what I really need is someone to care for my sick daughter so I can rest but most of my friends have kids and don't want their kids to get sick. It's just hard.
Anyway I'll respond to the previous messages:
Maika, I respect your decision to hold off on dating. That must be hard. You seem much more 'normal' than me so I'm sure you'd do great if you wanted to meet someone. In my case it's not fear of rejection but rather fear of how to handle men who think that dating equals a physical relationship which is how most see it. I'm just not into that sort of thing. I'm 40 with a little kid and I grew up super conservative among an Amish and Mennonite community. For me dating just doesn't have appeal because there's a reason why it's called dating and not just friends meeting for coffee. Dating seems to insinuate that you might end up going home together at the end-of-the-night, or if nothing happens on the first date then it might on the second or third. I know I'm the one who is out-of-place and not the other way around. That's why marrying a Middle Eastern man worked well for me - there's no dating in that culture. You get engaged and married if you like each other. Sadly that culture also promotes a lot of behaviors that are bad because it's so restrictive but for me it works. The other option might be dating a really fundamentalist Christian who is super conservative but that wouldn't really work either because someone like that wouldn't like me who married a Muslim and is so close to the Muslim faith. I'm definitely meeting new people every day though and as I've mentioned in previous posts I don't think my social life this active even in college.
KitKat, that's pretty amazing how you met your husband. I guess that proves you have to give someone a chance and take a risk and it might pay off in a big way. I read all of your advice and I agree that's the way to go in order to fall in love again and move on. The problem is the message I just wrote to Maika above - I just can't bring myself to get into dating. The stuff you talk about would be a major 180 because I've never done any of that, not even in high school, college, or in my 20's. I had one long-term boyfriend and then I met and married my husband. I don't know. It's just not who I am. It's not really something I'm interested in. I don't know if I can force myself to do something where I have so many doubts about how it aligns with my values. I can't imagine sleeping with men that I barely know, or having casual boyfriends and every few months or years we break up and I just meet someone else and do the same thing again. I know this is how our culture works and that's the norm but I'm an ultra conservative person to my own detriment I guess. I'm not sure this 180 is something I can really achieve, but I do work in a male-dominated industry and I live in a male-dominated area (surrounded by tech firms). I'm friendly and I talk to men everywhere, on the street, in the elevator, waiting in line....making jokes, laughing. I have no problems meeting people and no shortage of men who would probably be interested but it's going to take a lot of therapy and deep introspection to convince myself that dating is the right way to go. I wish if I get divorced I'd just meet someone suddenly and we'd go straight to getting engaged like I did with my husband, although as you can see that didn't work out so well because he took off. I definitely need to focus on these issues with a good counselor. Thanks for sharing your advice though. You present an excellent roadmap that would likely work if I could follow it.
For what it's worth, the guy who I met through work is still e-mailing me. It's about work related issues but he always cuts everyone else out of the emails and writes about really insignificant things. Since I canceled my trip I'll meet his colleague (and friend) who is in town on Monday so it seems this will keep going on but I don't see someone who's a lot younger with no kids as a good match so I lost the excitement about it.
My husband went on some job interviews and he's waiting to see if he gets any offers. I have no idea what's happening with him. He may be dating someone but he also wants to talk to me sometimes when he calls our daughter and he makes a special point to say goodbye to me when he hangs up. A month or two back I prepared him a one-time meal just to see what happens but I didn't offer it to him. I just left the food sitting off to the side and he found it and ate everything. I'm not planning to do it again because I don't want him to think he can come here and get his favorite meals and a warm welcome and then go back to his girlfriend where he gets everything else he wants. The truth is I still don't know much at all about my husband currently and he doesn't know much about me. KitKat you're probably right he probably thinks if he ever wanted to come back I'm here waiting, but this limbo period can't go on forever.
That brings me to the final point which is trying to determine how much longer this can or should go on. I'm waiting to see where my husband gets a job and what happens to our house. If he moves to another state far away (which may happen) or if he moves to our area and lives with his family, I don't see much point in waiting years to get divorced in hopes that he may return because it doesn't appear that'll happen. On the other hand I still don't feel psychologically like I can make the first move towards divorce. My husband has made terrible choices, he's become a horrible person, and I have no respect for who he became, but I don't see what benefits there are to divorce. The only benefit I can see is if I meet someone new I'm single and can re-marry.
I guess I need to simplify my thoughts. In general I'm busy with my daughter, work, social activities, and errands but when I come here it seems my thoughts are endless...
The main thing I can say about this whole experience is I really do commend people who go straight to filing for divorce when someone cheats on them or abandons them. It just make so much sense. If someone breaks their marriage vows the marriage should end. I made big mistakes taking my husband back before he was ready to change and then making him miserable because he hurt me. The mistakes I made were bad. It seems my mistakes were almost as detrimental to the marriage as my husband's bad behavior were. I wish had been smarter. At least if I had kicked him out before he left and divorced him he'd realize what he lost rather than feeling he has all the power to string me along. I encourage anyone who is early in their situation to consider taking strong action but I'm also well aware how difficult it is to execute a divorce you don't want.
