Part of being easier to move-on is to understand what has happened. The truth has been coming out bit by bit, the picture becomes clearer and I can stop blaming myself so much as a result. I still have moments when I'm absolutely heartbroken and feel it's better to get that out of my system in private rather than bottle it up.
I have started doing some work again, back to my hobbies a bit, walking a lot, now having great days out with the kids, now taking action with L to issue a proper childcare plan to W, have got back in touch with an old friend for a better social life, this week I'm starting with a new counselling service etc. Councillors, psychologist etc. all say how calm I am and doing the right things. DB takes an awful lot of self-control, it's exhausting but gets easier.
I know DB hasn't changed her mind, I have noticed that W has moved her boundaries from refusing to ever come back to the house to coming in for an hour or more at a time, from not sitting at the same table in public to sitting next to me on a bed, from not allowing both kids to stay overnight at the same time to allowing me to have them for 2 weeks holiday, from never giving me compliments to giving lots, from not letting me in her car to offering me lifts, and now stops herself from interrupting me when I speak. They are only observations of consistent changes by W nothing more. W still lies all of the time and is devious (which she never used to be for 23 years, until 2 years before leaving). There's no chance of her returning when she's in that mindset so I have to get on with my own thing as best I can.
David, Hope you are doing better, may I ask if you could please speak in more specific terms, it seems like you are generalizing things which makes it much more difficult to give you advice.
You say you are going to seek a councelor/phychologist I think this is a great start. Please do not hold back when you are asked questions, it is designed to help you and you should not feel embarrassed by answering honesty. This is the time to let it out and develop a plan to address any and all issues. It sorts out the issues and identifies appropriate methods of dealing and correcting.
Still have not seen where you actually sat down with a Lawyer/Solictor to discuss the legal issues. You need to do this asap, as you have been given this advice before. Seperate your finances immediately, do not let her take all of your money.
As far as GAL, join something with other people, walking is good but you need to interact with friends and make new friends. You will be surprised how many people out there are really friendly and nice, and will go out of their way to include you.
Please put a signature on your thread so we know better about your sitch...
Remember DBing is to help you, R is just the bonus if she decides she wants back into your life.
Peace.....
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
I have met with a psychologist who asked really good questions. I have a counselling service that regularly visits me, and I start going to a new one this week where things may become deeper.
I had a meeting with a solicitor last week who has put together a childcare proposal to put to W that she should get in a few days time. W is currently contributing more than I am to the home where I am still living. W is hiding her own money.
I'll soon have the kids staying with me on my own for a couple of weeks so that's going to keep me very busy. W has sent me a text saying when they will be arriving (which I knew anyway) and a smily face - she's never sent a smiley to me before... That's now bugging me but I have to laugh that it is bugging me.
Yesterday I met a very experienced councillor. They said they will offer me a dozen sessions for free but I might have to wait a couple of months for that to start. They said the same as everyone else that they are puzzled and troubled by W behaviour, she could become dangerous and thought someone needed to say to her to get help.
W sent a text in the early hours of the morning saying the kids want to know what where the kids and I are going on holiday and would I be with another adult. She asked again in person this morning (as usual since split I'd made a big effort to look my best) and she hid a big sly smile when asking if anyone else. Either she's jealous or wants me to have someone else. I just said that nothing had been confirmed for a holiday.
It's great that the kids are going to be living back at home with me atleast for a while.
The kids are staying back with me and things are becoming so clearer. I have been the responsible parent doing the hard work. W likes the fun days out (and has her parents doing childcare, housework, cooking etc). That's why she has become so curious now that I've been doing fun days out on my own with the kids. W has been jealous and resents me for being a better parent. That's why W had been constantly undermining me and trying to turn the kids against me.
It is therefore surprising that W is now allowing them to stay back with me for a while although she had been awkward and reluctant to do so until I stood my ground.
I woke this morning and expected W to be next to me. I think it was because the kids are now staying back at home with me so it seems some normality has returned.
Had a great day out with the kids and by coincidence kids and I met a close friend of W whose kid is friends with ours and who now spends a lot more time with W. She said she was amazed at how much more positive sounding I am and said I'm looking far better too. She mentioned how she thought I must have been feeling before the split (tired, trapped, no social life etc.) and that she often feels that way. Only W could have given her that impression. She said W had said nothing to her about us (which I doubt) but to give it time and not to have a tug of war over the kids. I said I have no idea what W thinks and that what she does is up to her, it's her loss, and that we would both have to accept that we'd each be seeing less of the kids. I was in a confident and positive frame of mind. I am certain that she will be straight onto W saying good things about me.
More importantly, the kids are very happy to be home.
Had a great day out with the kids and by coincidence kids and I met a close friend of W whose kid is friends with ours and who now spends a lot more time with W. She said she was amazed at how much more positive sounding I am and said I'm looking far better too.
Really? This is how the convo went? You are discussing your sitch with your W's close friend. Big mistake. She said you are looking far better? These are going to be hard times for you David, stop what you are doing and focus on you and the kids only.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
She mentioned how she thought I must have been feeling before the split (tired, trapped, no social life etc.) and that she often feels that way. Only W could have given her that impression. She said W had said nothing to her about us (which I doubt) but to give it time and not to have a tug of war over the kids.
You said W didnt tell this friend anything but then you say W must have given her this impression. David STOP talking about your sitch with everyone, you are not getting it! This is about saving you, should your W want to come back then that would be a bonus. You have a tremendous amount of work to do.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
More importantly, the kids are very happy to be home.
This is what you should be focusing on...
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Until recently, the friend had been just as much a friend to me for years as W because our kids are best friends. She did the talking saying that she has noticed a big change from how I was when W first left to now, said I shouldn't lose anymore weight etc. I played it down and moved the conversation on.
"You said W didn't tell this friend anything but then you say W must have given her this impression."
Friend told me how I was before W left. Only W would have thought/known that and friend was sympathetic saying that's how she (friend) often feels. I moved the conversation elesewhere. I was having a great time with the kids but couldn't avoid stood listening to friend as our kids are friends.
Yesterday, I met a single mum. I asked for ideas of places to go with the kids, we swapped numbers and texts last night. I'm trying to get a circle of friends that doesn't involve mutual friends of W and I and that includes some new friends for the kids.
I have noticed some positives at home without W, it's tidier, more relaxed, no undermining me with the kids, not having to walk around on eggshells. Apart from MR, I feel better than I have for a long while. That's why although I do still want MR I know she would have to work hard on some issues that I thought she needed to do anyway. Leaving to be looked after by her parents was the easier option for her.
Very busy at the moment with the kids off school and looking after them full-time on my own, got some work done, received and replied to a draft childcare proposal to W.
"I honesty don't see the point in asking people to help and then ignore them."
What advice do you think I ignore?
I don't do any pursuit, I stay calm, I eat healthier, exercise, new clothes, new hair, look a lot better, I've stood up for myself to get childcare access, currently have them living back with me and we are going out a lot, plus I'm taking legal action to try to get a good childcare plan in place, I see a Dr, have counselling, doing some work and hobbies again, and I'm trying to start my own social life that doesn't involve mutual friends of W and I.
