I just wanted to pop over and say hi. Please excuse typos. I haven't posted lately because I have been traveling for several weeks. I do still read and follow many of you, whether I post on your thread or not. I am in your corner. If someone had told me four years ago that I would be taking a trip like this with my family, it would have been difficult to believe. If you have read my sitch, then you know why. If you haven't, well let's just say my world was turned upside down and I never thought it could be the same again.
And it's not really the same. That's what I want to say. It's never going to be the same, even if you do reconcile the M. You know how everyone says that on BD, the former M dies? I had a bit of trouble fully getting that. My H has made changes, and so have I, but it's the dynamic between us that is very different. So why am I saying that now? Because I can see clearly now that my initial grief and pain was not so much that I grieved the end, but more so that I was hanging on to what I had already lost. And when I read here, I see so many of you doing the same. I can feel it in some of your writings.
So I want to encourage you to let go of that. Focusing on what was, or what could possibly be with your S, isn't fruitful. It only prolongs your suffering. It will never be the same. And this should not be confused with giving up hope. Being hopeful that you can reconcile is different than holding on to a person that has become toxic for you. I think more than that, if you are pining for someone that is toxic (actively rejecting you), then now you are causing yourself additional harm. By doing that, you lower your own worth. Don't pour gasoline on your own fire! Walk away, and just swim in the sea.
I have literally been swimming in the sea every day! And traveling, exploring, soaking up a new culture, history and food. I'm so, so fortunate to be able to do this and provide these experiences for my kids. I never had this growing up. I bet when people see us together, they think, what a happy family! Or, such beautiful kids! They have no idea what my H and I have been through. You see, they also have a tinted lens, and perhaps more tinted than my delusional lens was, when all I could see is that I wanted him back. I just wanted my life back. I think many of you want that too. And while that's perfectly normal, what I am suggesting is that it is you that is the cause of much of your own pain, by holding on to the impossible.
Those compulsive, and intrusive, thoughts are not based in reality. It's the fear inside your head talking. The M is dead. And just as when a person dies, longing for them and thinking about them, will not bring them back. The person can never come back from death, nor can that M you knew.
It's okay to let go of the fear. Just let a little piece go at a time. All the negative energy you spend holding on, is energy that is being taken away from something better. From living a life now. You thinking about them and their mistakes, won't ever fix them. It's just causing you pain. Put down the gasoline can, and dive in the sea ...
This vacation is not really how I thought it would be. Nor is my M. That's far too long to go into now, and frankly it's hard to type on this iPad, but I will say, I am giving up a little bit too. Letting go piece by piece. Of the ideas, the fear, and of trying to make things happen. You know, there have been so many little annoyances and disappointments on this trip. Traveling this long with our family, is a LOT of togetherness. It forces you to change your perspective. These people can really get on your nerves too! There are no romantic dinners going on folks. This is not the M with the man I knew years before. It never will be.
The best part of this vacation, has been those simple and unexpected moments, when I stop planning or wanting something. When I stop expecting. You can't be disappointed if you didn't expect it or want it in the first place.... the best part has been just floating alone. Alone in a foreign sea and feeling the cold water around me on a hot day. I don't need him for that and I didn't before actually. You see, I just didn't know then what I do know now ...
I hope this makes at least a little sense. Your life can be beautiful. It's mostly how YOU see it.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
