Thanks a lot hongaku and Steve85. I got to stop asking her out with us. I can sometimes stop thinking about it for a moment, but then I fall back. It's almost like I subconsciously got addicted to it. Indeed I made what I fear the most. When she was still close to me, I kept pushing her in the hope we would return to normal, but instead, she stepped back. At the time, I thought I couldn't accept the fact that she is sleeping in a different bedroom with me. But now, I comprised to only not get divorced. I am losing my ground step by step.
One thing I realized is that my wife is actually detaching from me. How she behaves is very similar to what detachment prescribes. She only talks to me about practical matters. She rarely initiates contact. She doesn't talk about MR. She is treating me like a friendly cashier.... What's the best response to this? Detach myself?
Yes. Detach yourself. You need to read the thread on the pursuit-distance dynamic. If you detach my guess is all the sudden her detachment will change to pursuit to see why you changed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In a text exchange today, wife mentioned she now feels awkward with me. She was referring to my changes. She mentions that there are many things I didn't do when she was in love with me, but I started doing them now while she is no longer in love with me.
I thought these are my 180s. I started to become more affectionate and more positive. I started caring more about her feelings and paying attention to holidays, etc. But she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say to me. It's like I am suddenly a stranger now. Most because I changed my behavior a lot. I am complete lost!
H: 31 W:31 M: 6 T: 10 S: 4 BD: 12/2017 In house separation: 12/2017
In a text exchange today, wife mentioned she now feels awkward with me. She was referring to my changes. She mentions that there are many things I didn't do when she was in love with me, but I started doing them now while she is no longer in love with me.
I thought these are my 180s. I started to become more affectionate and more positive. I started caring more about her feelings and paying attention to holidays, etc. But she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say to me. It's like I am suddenly a stranger now. Most because I changed my behavior a lot. I am complete lost!
Keep DBing. It doesn't matter what she says. It's more likely than not a GOOD thing that she's feeling "awkward" or uncomfortable. Don't backslide on your positive changes and 180s. Be consistent!
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
My wife said the same thing after about the 5.5 month post BD. She saw the changes, but she needed to see who this new person was. She essentially used it as an excuse to leave, as she said I wasn’t the same person she married, even though I changed into who she wanted me to be.
No sitch is the same. I just caution you to continue on the path of DBing and to not let her comments impact your emotions. If she is coming around to who you are now, great. But what hit me in my sitch was the initial struggle with the BD, followed by what I thought was a change of heart in my W which led to hope. Not long after she had reversed course, and because I hadn’t truly detached, it honestly but me harder than the BD.
hongaku, thanks for the comment. Hopefully, it's a good thing that she sees the changes.
FFhubby, thank you for sharing your experience on this. I feel for you that when you had the hope, then lost it. It's really really hard to detach. The way I do it now is to let myself to completely lose control my emotions when I am alone. You can cry, shout, or whatever ways you do it. Then it will be easier to be cool in front of her.
I am thinking if it's because I am changing but not the way she is comfortable with. Or my change is superficial and she sees through it. Either way, I think what FFhubby said is right, "slow and steady".
H: 31 W:31 M: 6 T: 10 S: 4 BD: 12/2017 In house separation: 12/2017
Also, and most importantly, don't worry about what she says right now. Don't worry about if she's comfortable with it or not. You are NOT trying to be the man you think she wants you to be, you are trying to simply be the best you that you can be. You already know or can identify the areas where you can improve yourself. Just do it. If it isn't genuine change to make yourself better no matter what, then yeah, she's going to see through it and believe it to be superficial - because it is if you're only doing it to please/impress her.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
W is still lack of patience for S4. While S4 and I ware watching a movie on Sunday afternoon, S4 wants to see his mommy. So he knocked on her door (she was watching some soap tv show at the time) and she got really frustrated because she felt interrupted.
Recently I've got some news from work and there might be a big change in the future. I am now not sure if I should bring it up. This might turn out to be an opportunity for our family as we can move to somewhere different and more exciting. It can give us a fresh start.
H: 31 W:31 M: 6 T: 10 S: 4 BD: 12/2017 In house separation: 12/2017
are you still doing the in house separation thing? I ask b/c that's the way it looks from your sigline. If so, I wouldn't plan on her coming with you. You need to plan your life. Maybe she'll choose to be a part of it, but maybe not.
The old saying is "don't make someone a priority when they only see you as an option".
She is selfish, wouldn't make time for her own son. Don't have any expectations that she'll do the right thing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
overrnbw, thanks for the input. She indeed becomes very selfish since the BD, which is completely out of her character. But it's more like she can't control herself. She just gets easily irritated nowadays. But I know for sure she loves our son deeply.
The move will be to a different country. That means she will have to see our son once a year at most if she doesn't join us. (her goal of all this is to be one her own. so she didn't plan to have S4 if we eventually got to D.) She thought things will be nice and easy, life will be more or less the same for except without me anymore. But it won't be the case if we move. Maybe this is the sort of reality check she needs.
H: 31 W:31 M: 6 T: 10 S: 4 BD: 12/2017 In house separation: 12/2017
okay. I have been away from home due to a business trip for a couple of days. The issue is that if I don't initiate any contact, my W won't either. It has been the case after BD. I now recall that she has complained before BD that she doesn't feel my presence will make a difference at home. Now should I initiate contact to ask about how she and S4 are doing? Or I should keep silent since she didn't initiate any contact?
Again, a 180 would be initiate contact, but I don't want to appear as pursuing again. Any comment is appreciated.
H: 31 W:31 M: 6 T: 10 S: 4 BD: 12/2017 In house separation: 12/2017
