Arshi, good to see you back -hope you are well during these tough times. You and the women here always make me think and dig deep inside for answers and I appreciate that.

If she were to return in a couple of months will you be willing to work on the R? I know you really wanted to save the MR but have you thought about in recent times ? Do you know what you will need to se from her if and when she returns?


I now I really had to think about this. My answer stands for the present- If she were to want to R now at her present state(spiritually, mentally emotionally and physically) my answer would be - NO.
But taking this a step further, First and foremost I made a covenant to God , to my W in front of friends and family and I am a MAN of God and a MAN of HONOR and I will honor my vows. Secondly In my vows it said in good and in bad, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health -till death do us part. My priest put it to me this way. He said, - When you got married you were 2 people that became 1 (1 flesh) in the eyes of God. Now that your wife is possibly sick ( possibly not mentally stable or going thru an internal crisis). Should she be easily discarded? In other words If you had an infected finger would your first reaction be to cut it off? I said of course not! My priest responded by saying you made a vow in sickness and in health - like an infection this must be properly addressed and cared for along with proper healing and maintenance. The other part is I am a MAN of GOD so I must strive to do as Jesus taught us. In all of Jesus' teachings he said " Love one another as I have loved you!". That means to LOVE unconditionally! Agape Love- slow to anger quick to extend graces and with steadfast love. So no matter what - I must be willing to forgive and continue to love. How can I expect God to forgive me when I cannot forgive W. One other thing- LOVE is not just words and actions- it is a choice! This is a choice I will have to make at the time provided I feel it is right for S and I.
The last piece of this equation is realization. Now that I see how unattractive W is being the most unhealthy and heaviest she has been makes me realize how unattractive I must have been at 255- 260 lbs with defeated mindset. I look at past pics and see how she must have felt. Did I deserve for her to knock down my house of cards with out wanting to repair and reinforce it? NO -but I can see how this can be unattractive. I have come along way but I am permanently under construction working to be the best ME.

So this is all hypothetical. If she were to want to come back - it would be with boundaries and conditions. Some of these would be :
She would have to abandon her New Age Religion beliefs or and other spiritual beliefs other than our Catholic faith. If you are asking me to choose between W and God. There is no choice. We must walk in the same faith on the same path and should attend some faith base MC that emphasizes a solution based reconciliation.
She must also put in the work to fix internally what is broken - thru IC or medication what ever it is. For her to want to leave with no beating, no cheating or abuse- in order for this not to happen again she needs to find the root cause -possibly FOO- abandonment issues ( her mom was alcoholic and Dad cheated on mom numerous times and she lost her Dad at a work accident at 15) . Whatever it is it needs to be addressed.
She must be totally transparent in her doings with her phone and computer passwords as must I to show honesty and integrity.
She must repair the damage she created with S and I. To rebuild our TRUST to a place we once had.
These are some of the things I would consider- I am sure there is more but this is just a short list off the top of my head.

For any of this to happen - W must first make the decision that R is what she wants to persue. At this point she has been consistent in her words and actions of wanting D. I know now that I have evolved somewhat into someone that is more grounded , stable and more positive. I do still cycle between emotions of hi and low but also I know I can only control what I do. We have a saying in my house that I taught S when he was younger- " Just do your best- And let GOD do the rest!" Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18