DB / Detach, WAW... piecing

[SteveLW]

Did, any updates from you?

[Did]

I met a woman who I’m very interested in. We were introduced to a a mutual friend and have been talking all week. We couldn’t be more compatible. We’re getting together Friday.

There are a lot of things that W needs to work on just like there are things I need to work on. In a previous post I mentioned W wants to get to know each other again and start as friends. That’s all well and good but she just accepts she has these issues- strong anxiety talks about her defense mechanisms- being afraid to say how she actually feels or what she thinks. I continue to question if I really want the r.

During D3 birthday I told her I saw no reason not to date. In regard to her and I. She would need to take a major step towards intimacy lovers and wanting that with me. At this point we’re just friends that care about each other. Strapped for time. POst more later.

[Loves77]

Smh. I must say, I feel sad reading this. I guess I'm not sure what to make of it to be honest. It was what, last week that you said you were committed to your wife and marriage? And this week you "couldn't be more compatible" with another woman?

Maybe I should be happy for you. Idk. Just seems odd.

Maybe this is just my shock speaking, but I think that you should file for divorce. Why continue to linger? It seems like you both start dating people when you feel like it sonits not healthy to stay married.

[Did]

We have both been dating off and on for almost a year. She says shes not dating anyone but how should I know. She was sending naked pictures and having unprotected sex a year ago. With some POS bankrupt trashy guy. That was OM1. OM2 she was ordering lingerie for and spending the night at his house 6 months ago. Sometimes I feel pathetic for even being open to wanting / taking her back. I want a deeper connection. W and I barely talk. She has stonewalled me for over a year. She has anxiety and I cant even be honest with her or talk to her.... what do you guys think I should do? Our marriage was based on a physical attraction which for me is still there. Who knows what she feels besides anxiety and defense mechanisms fear of upsetting me. Id like to build the rest of the relationship. But it only works if she wants it and shows that, says it. She has never said that ever since separating. Just I dont know what I want. Or no I dont want to work on it. Now its I want to get to know you again and start as friends... Its BS. I have done a lot of work on myself and I feel I deserve happiness. I want my family back but only if she commits fully to that. She hasnt come back she doesnt show any interest when were in person. Shes cold, walled up it [censored]. She shows this incredible love for D4 if she showed that for me or felt it maybe it would be different. But it is what it is.

Yes, she's gorgeous and I have feelings for her. She's the mother of my child. If she wanted to work on things and commit to that I'd try my best. But what am I supposed to do. She wants to be friends? Who knows if there's any attraction. The most veteran person on here is telling me its a trap and she doesnt want to be lovers or intimate whatsoever.

So W tells me she really misses D4 today, she asked to get her back a day early. I said this is how its going to be every week. She gets all mad like you dont have to say that. I didnt respond to that. I cant be honest with her. Its infuriating.

Im taking D4 to an amusement park D4 and my parents tomorrow. I want to spend the night with D4 so I probably will.

She facetimed around 6 looking incredible to go out to dinner with a girlfriend. She has plans for a lunch date with another girlfriend tomorrow. This is what her life revolves around. Meanwhile Im working building a business after switching jobs trying to be a great dad. My schedule revolves around work as I support the family. I took D4 for her physical and blood test. W says I should be there, my response... youre not. She says hard to imagine her being in pain and not being there for her you know. I said yea I understand how you feel. Its hard.... trying to validate.

Advice appreciated.

New woman is a school teacher she loves to travel shes beautiful. Has been in a previous relationship with a partner who had kids. Shes 2 years older than me wants kids. Weve been talking for like an hour a day on the phone and the connection is there. Its scary. To feel the family slipping away.... but what am I supposed to do? Do what feels right... not hang on to something thats dead just because shes gorgeous and we have a child... especially when I have no idea what she wants. Shes still scared to say what she feels or thinks around me. Thanks all... torn here but going to meet this new girl at least.

[SteveLW]

I'm with Loves. It's as if you need to be with someone. The someone doesn't matter as much as being with them. I think you have a lot of work to do on you before jumping into another R. Otherwise you'll be right back here in a few years. But you seem like you do what you want to do in the moment so I'm sure you'll ignore this.

[Did]

Disagree about needing to be with someone. I haven’t been with anyone in a long time. I just feel like I’m slamming into a wall with my W. Nothing positive between us. Just a sense of loss, her beauty and love for our daughter. Not jumping into a R. I appreciate your perspective. And I will always be a work in progress.

[Loves77]

I think Steve said that bc whenever you get really mad you start saying you are gonna by to date other people. I have never once thought it would be a good idea for you to date. But now you say that you ha e both dated on and off for a year. Ok then, get divorced. It's pretty simple.

And you mentioned what sandi says only when it validates what you want, but not the majority of what she said which was to leave her be and gal and work on yourself. But you only mention that she said your wife wasn't interested in you sexually. That is twisting her words to fit what you want.

I have always said that I think you and your wife have a chance. After this, idk. And not bc of her. You seem to be motivated by what it right in front of you.

I don't wanna sound harsh but I don't think I'll be commenting on this thread much anymore. Seems silly for me to put effort into at this point.

Good luck tho!

[SteveLW]

Did, Loves is right. I said that because you say out of one side of your mouth you want things to work with your W, then with the other that you are tired waiting and want to date. Even your response to Loves about "we both have been dating off and on for over a year" like it is some contest. "IF she is going to date then so am I!" Likely that kind of thinking is exactly why you are in your sitch.

Did I've spent a lot of time in this thread trying to get you to see that you have a lot to work on. I've tried to be gentle in that. However, I feel that bluntness is more appropriate at this point. You need IC. You need inner reflection to figure out some things about yourself. Self awareness is one of the keys to life. No who you are or what you do for a living, self awareness is a big key to healthy. happy living. It does no one any good to stick your head and the sand and pretend like everyone else has the problem

Did, I also get the impression from your posting that you are a native of the USA. It is subtle but some of the way you word things make me think that you may be a first generation immigrant. Sometimes understanding a person backgrounds can help provide context for some of their feelings and attitudes. Would you mind sharing your heritage with us?

[Did]

I live in usa. My great grandparents came over through Ellis island. A couple generations have lived here. I’ve mentioned many times we’ve both dated. I had two short term relationships a while back.

My W and my connection was physical it’s my fault we didn’t have a deeper connection. She wanted more but it seems that was past tense. Our marriage fell apart and i am to blame for much of that. She wanted to grow together and had a growth mindset. I was focused on money and saving and not nearly the person I am today. If she was the girl I knew 2-3 years ago maybe things would work. But now she doesn’t want more kids she has anxiety we’ve both changed a lot. .

Yea I have issues to work on as does everyone. I already have IC scheduled for 8/29. I see another counselor for spiritual growth every two weeks. I’m pretty self aware. I had a lot of issues. I have some still for sure. I was depressed and denied it. I was always thinking of the future answers never living in the moment. I’ve worked on myself a lot.

W has said we were toxic for each other. I think you guys see it with my NGS. It comes out around her much more than anywhere else. That’s not her fault but mine. Not putting my head in the sand. There are definitely things I need to work on. The marriage is dead. If we were to build something it would be new. I wanted to repair the marriage but she shows 0 interest.

In regard to Sandis advice. I have been leaving her alone but I don’t ignore her. When wants to talk to D4. She wants to see her sometimes when I have her. So maybe I’m not DBing as best as I could.

It’s really sad to think of missing D4 but W doesn’t want to build that deeper connection and work on the marriage. She has said she doesn’t want to talk about anything. So... ?

If she could open up around me maybe it’d be different but she can’t or won’t. Both of us need IC in my opinion. I’ve done dozens of hours of therapy and still am. W has read 1 book and done counseling onlywhen I pushed.

I just feel like she would need to make such a drastic change to even build anything. We have gone on one date in the last 2 years. There has been 0 intimacy. So what am I doing? I wish I saw the woman I married and could show her the man I’m on my way to being today but it just isn’t happening. We’ll see how things play out by the end of September.

[SteveLW]

This is the best post you've ever posted. Well done Did. Mostly focused on you, less on her.

However, you have to decide if you want R or D. If you want R stop dating other women. If you want D, then go to town.