I am not envious of ex. I would never in a million years want to be him. I love being able to raise my son alone. I have an absolutely incredible relationship with my son, who is the sweetest and greatest child. I feel like this experience has in fact made me a much better mother. I am dedicated to raising him with positivity and to accepting him as he is. He is the best thing ever. I love my life with him. I love who he is. He is a reflection of my guidance and teaching. Thank you rouky for making me reflect on that.
You are right in that i do get caught up in the fairness of it. Its not fair that ex does not feel. That he gets to be guiltless. Does not realize the impact of his actions. I always wanted more children. My ex knew this when we first started dating over 15 years ago. I feel like his breaking that agreement with me at my age was the worst absolute worst thing he could have done to me. I feel like he murdered my chance at another child. And i will never ever forgive him for that. I mourned that the most. To me it was the greatest injustice.
With NG it changes day to day. My gut and my feelings. It depends on what i am feeding i think. But yeah. I do worry about settling and not following the signs i am seeing. In hindsight, my ex had many signs. He never had money. Thats weird considering his job. So these things i am seeing, i am afraid to one day look back and say oh god. I could have prevented all this. It was so pbvious!!!
But its more complicated. I have absolutely no fear of being alone. My dream would be to win the lottery, so i could buy a house and have another child and hire some help so that i could raise my children all by myself. I would be content doing this on my own. I could even take in foster kids. But i dont think i would be too disapointed not having a partner. I like childrens love and the love i feel for children more then anything. So being without a man is not the issue. I worry that this is my last chance at a family though so i dont want to throw that away either cause of negativity and miss out on a good companion.
