Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

Okay so here we go. Just the fact that it's Wednesday before I'm posting means I'll likely have good news - and I do. But wow, there is so much here and so much to learn from - at least for me to learn from. I'll lead with the biggest news. Things are back to normal with Wild Girl and I finally did it - I have my cruise date. She is beyond excited and likely renewing her passport this week.

So what all happened? I'm not sure and it's complicated to be sure. I was right about some things, wrong about others. I'm very happy how I handled it. It remains to be seen if this is something that will repeat and is the real Wild Girl or if it was just timing and happened as an occasional thing? I'll be watching for a repeat there is no doubt. I had already said we had not had a single disagreement or fight in the 10+ weeks since we started going out. So I guess one in that time is nothing to get too excited about. It clearly worked out well and has both of us understanding the other much better and has clearly brought us closer - though I'm a bit more hesitant and pulling back slightly - but that again is me as the closer she gets, the more cautious I will get.

Okay, so my comment really did hurt her that badly. Should it have? Well on balance, I don't understand it fully, but other pieces I do. It was not an act on her part it was not her trying to manufacture, etc. I think other things going on in her life, including hearing her ex love had his baby, effected it. To her credit I do have to say she never got mean or pissy or inappropriate. It was never anything like "you're a f'n [censored], I don't want to see your ugly face again" type things. Instead she texted, "that really hurt and I don't feel like talking now. Have a nice night." I do have to give her some points for that. I think she employed more game playing and such later on with short texts, etc. Although even that, I found out later was also partly in response to my short texts back to her. However, in person, it was clear how much this bothered her. It was written all over her face and body language. This is why I so badly wanted to confront her in person and not on the phone and certainly not on text. She freely admits that her ex H did this to her and she believes somewhat her parents did was well. Her Ex TRIED to hurt her. He purposely said really mean things to try to tare her down. That's not at all what I did. I just misspoke. However, she thought I was just trying to get out of it by claiming I misspoke when I really deep down felt that way. I clearly do not but I get after what's gone on why she'd feel that way. It is yet again why I told all of you here I thought she was "broken" when I met her. This is that broken part coming out. She has such little selfasteam and just feels like "why would anyone be proud of her." So when I said "Why would your mom be proud of you?" without adding in "just for dating me" it really, really hurt her. All she heard and all she kept replaying over and over was "why would your mom be proud of you?" Those are her issues and I totally get that. It's why I say she is broken - and I'm not a fixer.

I really think she is so afraid of being hurt that this is why she won't admit she is "dating" but also wants to get them before they get her. She admitted it's not only with me she tries to play down the dating thing, it's with everyone. It was very interesting and nice to see her open up to me about some of these things. I really do think she has been waiting for me to break up with her or change into someone else - so much that any little thing triggers her. So if we are not really dating, we can't break up so she can try to make it no big deal - when really, it clearly is. That's her issues, not mine. It's part of why I still think this will never turn deeply serious, but that's also what keeps me "safe."

I waited until a few hours before she was leaving to bring up the cruise. This was mostly because I was still not sure but also because I didn't want that to effect or change anything. Interestingly enough even after that she asked "What happens if one of us meets someone else or something?" I of course took that to mean, what if she meets someone else. After I further questioned her on that, it because clear what she really was saying and asking was "Are you going to find someone else and drop me?" That was clearly her worry. I think it still kinda is as she's hesitant to tell anyone yet. The broken part of her thinks, this is too good to be true, he's going to find someone better and tell me he wants to go with her. That's what has happened to her in the past with guys. Does this not sound like at least a few people who have been here on the boards with us? I assured her I don't play those games. I would not be that mean to invite someone on something like this than tell them I changed my mind. I said if we start fighting or no longer want to see each other that's a different story but short of that I'm not looking for someone better for this. So on the outside, she has this tough exterior going, saying we are just hanging out, and everything that goes with it, when on the inside I really do think she's thinking, I really like this guy I hope he doesn't hurt me like the others have. By the time she left it was clear the old Wild Girl was back and more open and clearly even more connected to me. Of course, then love avoidant Don kicks in. Typically I have an urge to reach out after we spend a day or two together like this but this time, I was very content. Of course she called and we had another deeper conversation versus just our silly fun banter.

I am very happy how I handled this and somewhat happy with how she did. I could have escalated things and was even suggested by a few to just call her on her crap right away, not wait, and not let her get away with anything. I've never really heeded this statement I'm about to make but it really hit me in this case - you never know what someone else is going through that is effecting how they are acting. Ever hear people say that? "He's acting this way because of what he's going through." That was clearly the case here and what I think a good partner does is they are there for that person. That's what I tried to do. All that said, I also told her very clearly that she should not mistake my kindness, compassion and understanding for desperation or weakness. I was very clearly about this and I could tell she knew I was not playing. I also told her that the time may come when I'm going through a rough patch and I fully expect her to do the same for me. That's what being a couple and R's are all about - even though we are still at the friends stage and I still just don't see a LTR here but both of us are clearly in each other's life at this point in time for some reason. It's almost like she is relieved that I asked her to go on this rather big event five months from now - like she had the revelation of OMG, he really does like me and really will stick around for awhile and not dump me like these other guys have. She may have been waiting for the other shoe to drop - and will no doubt now think that shoe will drop at the end of January after the cruise is over. Who knows. But for now, if we do end up going, and I see absolutely no reason we won't, she will end up being the longest dating period or whatever you want to call it I've had since my D 12 years ago. An 8 month R of some sort I guess. Good way to get my feet wet again if nothing else.

I do have another pretty cool story about two friends that I'll share next time. I also have all sorts of sub stories that could come out of the last days and week. Just so many learning lessons. I just don't want to make this post any longer right now. So there you go... it's clearly all still to be continued... for at least another 5 months it might appear. And, perhaps best of all, you guys don't have to listen to me b@tch and complain about that stupid cruise anymore!!! LOL