Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

So it's been two weeks and guess what ... Nothing has changed. W continues to spend a few hours a week preparing her new place for occupancy. I have just been doing my thing. Hanging with my Ds when I can, acting like a friendly stranger around the house, when I can. Other times I have to put up the happy family facade or work together with W on parenting, etc.

W left her computer open today and I stupidly took a peek at it. She's ordering furniture and curtains and pots and pans for her new life. It killed me. So much for detachment. I mean, I don't feel as terrible as I did on BD one year ago, but it definitely sank my heart. I know she is doing these things, but something about seeing the evidence on the computer screen just makes me hurt. I think it's clear that I'm living more in denial than in detachment. But it just makes me so sad to think that she's sitting there shopping online for curtains for her 2BR while our Ds play beside her, clueless about how their world is going to be rocked when W finally decides to pull the pin on the grenade.

I know, I know. I shouldn't have snooped. I'll do better.

As much as it pains me to think about losing my wife and missing out on half of my children's life, part of me wishes she would just hurry up and move out, as it will make moving on so much easier for me.

I'm so confused by her. She says she is leaving. She's sure it's the right thing to do. Signed a lease. Furnishing the apartment. But she still hasn't initiated the conversation about what we are going to tell the kids. She doesn't have a timeframe in mind for moving. Is she just doing the fun stuff, like buying furniture, but avoiding the things that she doesn't want to face, like telling the kids and exposing her deceitful ways to all of our friends and family? Will that keep her from following through with this when the time comes? There are no answers, I know.

Honestly, I have been good the past two weeks. Not R talks, just doing my thing. But peeking at that computer has really got me depressed. I know you'll ask, so I am GALing. My family is coming over tonight. We'll pretend to be a happy family in front of them. Tomorrow I'm doing happy hour with some coworkers and Friday I'm taking off to take the Ds to waterpark/amusement park. Just here venting.

Our wedding anniversary is Sunday. My plan is not to even acknowledge it. I may try to play some golf in the morning and then we're going to a friend's house for a cookout. Just another day, as far as I am concerned. Let me know if you disagree with this approach.

I haven't chimed in much lately, but I"m reading the board a lot. Prayers and love to all of you who are going through similar and worse sitches.