For sure, guys. Like I said, we're definitely going to take things very slow. The exception being the house, obviously. Honestly, I really don't care about that. I'll be fine no matter what. I know that sounds a little bit like throwing caution to the wind, but something I realized when telling her she could leave the other day is that anything can be rebuilt, no matter how bad circumstances get. Obviously, you want them not to get bad, but it's not the end of the world if they do.
Really, we're going to have to learn to trust one another again. She's got to trust this new behavior in me is real, and I've got to trust she's committed. The only way that those things happen is with time, work and patience. I'm not going to be the farm on this, but yesterday two things happened which make me really think we're headed in the right direction, at least enough for me to give her the opportunity to show me she's committed. The first is that it was the first time in 3 months that she actually gave me a definitive yes or no about wanting our MR. The second is that it was the first time in 3 months that she brought up our MR and dove deep into the nitty gritty unprompted. Really, the first 45 minutes were her going through everything while I listened and validated. When I finally started to speak, she listened and validated, too. We both thanked the other for doing so at the end.
Does any of this mean that I'm running full speed ahead? No, I already got burned a couple of weeks ago doing that when it seemed like she had come out of the fog, and I told her as much last night. She said she understood, and felt the same way, but on a much broader scale since I had previously made temporary changes to my behavior when she would express being unhappy in our MR. The point is that we're both in the same place, but taking it slow to feel things out.
She did express a bit of surprise at one point. I divulged a little info from my IC sessions, one thing being that my C was a little surprised that I knew more about the Gottman Method of MC than he does. I brought it up in the context of what I have been learning these last 3 months about having a healthy relationship. At first, she didn't say much about it, but her eyebrows definitely raised way, way up when I told her about his comment. After a few minutes, she finally said that it makes sense that I'd learn so much in a short period of time. She knows that once my mind locks on to something, I learn all I can about it, almost to the point of obsession. I'm a very, very, very details oriented person (one thing that also works against me, especially trying to analyze her behavior these last 3 months). In fact, I'll even bet you guys can probably see that based on my writing here on the board (just go look at my first post if you need a reminder).
Anyway, caution is definitely warranted right now, but I think I'll have to find a healthy balance of optimism to go with it. Otherwise, I could smother the spark that's seemingly ignited right now, and that's not good either. Actually, that's a pretty good metaphor for piecing/reconstruction, at least how I see it... It's very much like building a fire. DBing is like using a flint and steel to start a fire. If you don't do it properly, you get no spark and no ember in your tinder (and sometimes, the tinder is too wet to begin with). If you do get that ember to smoldering, dumping a ton of fuel onto it will smother it. You have to gently ignite it into a flame. There's no guarantee the flame won't go out because you didn't feed and nurture it properly, or that you have enough dry fuel to begin with. But, with time, patience, and care, if you have enough dry fuel, you can build it into a fire that's nice and toasty.
