Yeah... I'm curious if maybe where we were a couple of weeks ago and where she's indicating things are now is really how she feels, and maybe she just had a bit of doubt these last couple??? I have no idea...
Honestly, there's no real benefit to having me come along if she plans to leave me. My income doesn't count toward the mortgage loan (self employed and it's my first year of being so, so there are no tax records to base my income off of for the income verification). Unless she's just resigning herself to having a roommate, which I've pretty frankly told her I didn't want, and she said she didn't either.
I know your sitch was pretty similar, Steve. And you're right, you guys were much further along in R. I mean, yesterday, I was celebrating an unsolicited hug (I got another last night before she went to bed, and it felt like she wanted to say or do more, but I cut it off). That being said, this is the first time she's clearly and succinctly said she wants us.
Yeah... I'm curious if maybe where we were a couple of weeks ago and where she's indicating things are now is really how she feels, and maybe she just had a bit of doubt these last couple??? I have no idea...
Honestly, there's no real benefit to having me come along if she plans to leave me. My income doesn't count toward the mortgage loan (self employed and it's my first year of being so, so there are no tax records to base my income off of for the income verification). Unless she's just resigning herself to having a roommate, which I've pretty frankly told her I didn't want, and she said she didn't either.
I know your sitch was pretty similar, Steve. And you're right, you guys were much further along in R. I mean, yesterday, I was celebrating an unsolicited hug (I got another last night before she went to bed, and it felt like she wanted to say or do more, but I cut it off). That being said, this is the first time she's clearly and succinctly said she wants us.
Crouton, I am not going to lie, this is a very good sign. There are all kinds of things that make WASs wake up from their fog, and there is no doubt that a new start in a new house can be one of them. But as I said, my exploring it and getting feedback in the threads I linked were all good things to think on and consider. Have a conversations with her tonight about what R means. That it means she has work to do. That you both need to get into MC. That you will require a commitment before biting this off.
Our MC was awesome. She pointed out that the stress of a move, and of buying a house...and selling a house can play havoc on a solid MR, let alone one that was strained. Both my W and I took her advice and went into with a good attitude. That we were going to work together on the stresses, and not let the stresses tear us apart. Find a good MC to navigate these waters!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yeah, I'm reading through them now... there is definitely a lot of solid advice there.
I know that we'll have to have a very serious discussion about our R. In no uncertain terms, I plan to address each of the things I know I need to keep doing, start doing, etc., to make sure her needs are met, and I also plan on laying out what I need from her as well. One of those things for me is either MC, a MC retreat, or at the very least, a workbook of some sort... something to get us turned back towards each other. I'm hoping for MC, but I also understand she may feel hesitant. We'll see what happens.
For now, I'm not saying that I 100% trust this. She's been all over the board before during this, and I don't have a reason to believe for sure this time is different. That said, I'm not trying to be so cautious that I blow it if she is genuine.
Thanks, Terrapin... I'm not sure how well I trust what's happening (I mean, we were still doing an in house separation as of last night), so we'll see what happens.
Well, that has got to be one of the deepest, most connected, healing conversations we've ever had.
We've both agreed to take things slow as far as our interaction and affection for a bit, and I'm typing this from the guest room... She's not quite ready to start sleeping in the same bed again.
We're moving forward on the new house, assuming our offer is accepted. We discussed some common short and long term goals, and agreed on plans of action for them. We also discussed how we got here, how to avoid it going forward, and what our mindset was during a lot of this (well, this was mainly her... I've been pretty open about mine).
She's really serious about this, guys. She's logically listed every reason to make our MR work, and emotionally she said her Aunt made a comment which made my W realize that she does indeed still love me. She said she was essentially going in the direction of completely rebuilding her life and realized that if she's going to do that, why not rebuild it into exactly what she wants, including me v2.0 (new and improved).
We also discussed both of us GAL going forward to avoid being codependent on each other, and to help us not feel guilty about spending time with others instead of each other.
