Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

Sandi..Thanks for weighing in.

First, I am trying NOT to be my own worst enemy. I don't want to make a mistake and despite your belief, I do take the feedback from this board very seriously and it has affected past decisions (and they were correct as well) Also, very much trying to "let it play out" and practice patience. I think AnotherStander had told me that inaction was the right action for the time being. It just feels, at times, that I am feeding to her cake eating and just allowing her to ride the wave until she decides what she wants to do. Feels more like a doormat than anything as the entire family has their lives on hold waiting on her decision.

With that said, What does it mean for me to drop the rope? I believe that it means exactly what was explained to me a few times (I'm sure) on this board. I have to get to the point that I don't care if she comes back or not. I find this WAY easier said than done. This leads to your other point Sandi that part of my current life is just being her caregiver. Through everything else that has happened I have lost my identity. It is slowly coming back, and it is coming back more and more each day. This is where it gets difficult. Example, Sunday my W slept later than usual. Got up ate breakfast then went back to sleep at noon and didn't get up until 6pm. She ate dinner, then went to bed around 10pm and slept until she had to get up the next morning. So an unscheduled, total sleep day due to health issues. I know this is not my problem any longer, but I am human and so is she and there is that pesky "been together forever" and "we have kids together" stuff that goes along with it. I have a real issue inside my soul getting to that true not caring part of this.

W withdrew the petition for divorce for personal reasons. She did not want to work on our MR. Has(d) every intention at that time and as of this moment to eventually file for D. Says she just think it has run its course, she sees no future and is done. Regardless of the consequences.

Regarding the healthcare. it is an entirely totally different way that i would look at it whether my W was on the policy or not. If it would just be the kids and I, where we don't use it as much, we could open up to other options. With W involved, it is way costlier but the choice is easier (compare costs and whether she can use same Dr's and choose).

There is no tension lately as we haven't really had any discussions outside of the kids and house stuff. No R or finance questions or conversations at all. She is slightly more talkative and I can tell that some days she is more relaxed and others she is very intent on closing herself off to me.

Am I tired of this, yes.

I don't want to give up, I am just tired of feeling like a doormat, being taken advantage of, and I need to figure out how to focus more on everything else and again drop the rope to my W and our old MR.