Clean Slate Pt. 1 (Advice on my Scenario Pt. 23)

[OrangeK]

Still dealing with surpressing random bouts of anger.

S3 was giving me a hard time this morning and I took it out wrongfuly on SIL.
I feel like an a$$ about that.

Its tough to cope with not feeling like i know myself.
I dont entirely like the person I seem to have become a lot of the time since BD / affair exposure.

Ive always had to keep my temper in check, but it was never this hard.
In the past I may have lost my cool once a year, if that. It was a very rare thing.
Now it seems to be Monthly or even Bi-Weekly.

The worst part is the aftermath, I just react. Then i feel like a bag of crap afterwards (<-- Guilt, so no, Fogg, im not narcissistic, trust me I dove into the DSM-5 definitions of Cluster B Personality Disorders not only to find out what EXWIFE's issue is, but to look inward and see if I perhaps displayed too many traits as well. We all show aspects of "Healthy Narcissism" as some Ego is key to self confidence. I addressed these concerns with my IC as well, and she confirmed with me that what I am likely experiencing is CPTSD symptoms, not Bi-Polar or Narcissistic Traits. As the blame shifting and trauma bonding will commonly cause the victim of abuse to think THEY are the ones with a mental issue. Look up some of the symptoms of CPTSD. It explains this "Im the problem" syndrome, as it is cultivated deliberately by the Abuser through Gaslighting and is a common symptom of CPTSD victims of emotionally abusive relationships to think they are in fact the ones with mental issues)

Today in general seems to be permeated with negative vibes, i have noticed everyone in my office is very quiet and reserved today. S3 was uncharacteristically temperamental this morning (he is usually delightful in the morning)

I just want to go back to Camp. This past weekend was so liberating and healing.

Oh well, on with my day. They cant all be Zingers as they say.

Game Night tonight, and my friend who hosts game night just got some crap news about his sisters Cancer diagnosis, so that puts the severity of my situation WAYYY on the back burner, Gonna go be there for a friend in need.
Another friend from the same group has been dealing with his Fiance's MS diagnosis, so there are plenty of reminders in life to show things cold a a phuk ton worse for me than they are.

Im so grateful i have a group of mutually minded friends, where we can gather, put the trials and pain of real life on hold, have a few beers and get lost for a few hours in Fantasyland.

I have a good, solid tribe of truly caring and strong people at my back.
More than i can say for EXwife.