I don't know if I want to save my marriage anymore

[SteveLW]

First, sorry you are here and sorry you are going through this. But you've found a forum full of people that have been through similar experiences.

My first advice is to take a deep breath, and breathe! Your post came through as so emotionally tense, I could feel you coiled up as if every muscle in your body is tight and in full flex mode. That is no way to live. (And yes I understand that a lot of this, and most of the advice here, is easier said than done, but it still helps to hear it.)

Second, you need to take the laser focus off of him. I realize this is all still raw (in fact that is my next point), and therefore a lot of your initial post is focused on the sitch and him. But I started to get the sense at the end of your post that you are starting to come around to the fact that you deserve better and have tremendous value. AND YOU DO! Do not ever lose sight of that.

Third, one of the reasons you need to step back is that your sitch is still so new. 42 days is NOTHING. We have people here that have been in limbo for months, if not years! So if you can still measure your sitch in days you know it is still very new. Here is the thing, this is a marathon not sprint. Slow and steady wins the race. No one has been successful in these things by doing things fast. I can tell that you are the type of person that leaps into action. If you see a person or animal in trouble you are ready to take action. You are decisive and responsive and ready to take on whatever needs to be taken on.

That works against you in these sitches. Sending screenshots of messages to OW's husband WORKS AGAINST YOU! Why? Because it could mean that now they are getting a divorce and she is free. Texting OW the way you did with a picture of your ring and that you are going on a 10 year anniversary works against you! Why? Because he has already poisoned the well with her regarding you. To her you are the worst wife in the history of the world, and you reacting like this, demanding she stay away from him, cements that not only in her mind, but in his.

Your interactions with him works against you! The fact that you told him not to sleep with OW, that you contacted OW and her husband, etc shows that you are trying to control him. Likely one of his biggest gripes against you right now is that you are controlling. So you see that after BD you go into damage control (there is that word again) mode and solidify that complaint in his mind.

Almost everything that is instinctual in LBSs is wrong to do in these sitches. That is why the advice is to GAL, 180, detach. These all focus on the one thing you still have control over: YOU! So put your focus and energy where it belongs, on you. Focus on what you can do, not for him....for you!

I've been chasing him, trying to talk him out of throwing our marriage away, talking about working things out... It stops now. I think he needs to see a side of me that is ready to walk away. This makes sense, doesn't it?

That make perfect sense! You need to show yourself, not him, that you are ready to walk away. By natural extension he will see it to. That might be what gives him a wake up call. Until now everything you've said and done tells him that he could come back to you no questions asked. You need to take that option off the table.

Now, understand that this doesn't mean you file for D. That is always in you right to do, but it does mean you take action that shows him he is no longer welcome home. Change the locks. Do not initiate contact. When he contacts you first don't answer your phone. When he texts if it is informational you do not respond. If it is a question, do not respond right away, and when you do use as few words as possible. If it is a yes or no question answer with yes or no!

Even if he did come back around, how can I possibly ever forgive him? How can I ever not want to get back at him and hurt him the way he hurt me? How could he ever make it up to me?

All valid questions, but questions that you do not have to answer now. For now do not forgive him. Do not try to get back at him or hurt him. Do not expect him to make it up. All of that is HIM focused. Move on for you! Let him go. For you. If you let him go and move on then you have a better chance of coming to grips with those questions in reality.

Finally:

I will continue to work on myself. Exercise, get back in shape, get filler and botox, acupuncture, etc...

I like the exercise plan and getting into shape. Not sure what acupuncture does for you. But the filler and botox? Please again see my point about making rash, emotional decisions right now. That is something people regret later on. Likely you don't need it and you are just looking for ways to soothe your stepped on self-esteem. Remember, this isn't all about you. Hard to believe I know, but this is something he is going through. You said your marriage, while not perfect was solid, non-flawed people do not do this kind of thing. His flaws have nothing to do with you, more than likely. You can have been a stepford wife and he still could have done this.

Oh, one last thing. I see you looking for the magic bullet. Anti-depressants and MLC. If you go read my initial thread you can see I was done the same path as you are. "It has to be her anti-depressants!" "Maybe it is a MLC!" The bottom line is that none of that matters. It changes nothing you should do. Even if those are the causes you should still detach, GAL, 180, and be the best you can be for yourself! Read all of cadet's links. Read DB/DR. Put the principles in practice. He'll either come around or he won't. But you will be fine either way!

P.S. GAL means no excuses. No more "everyone I know is out of state". Go meet new people. Make new friends. Get involved in hobbies and activities. Expand your network. Build a new support network! You have this! Make it happen!