Finding my way into the light

[Holding]

Recently, probably within the past month, 2 different people have asked me if I still love my XW.

This question freaks me the F out! Why are they asking me this? What are they seeing that I'm not?

I answer no. I feel no love for her. The only thing I feel toward her now is frustration and anger. I'm still angry that XW broke me so completely as a person and hurt our kids. I know that's a victim mentality, and I certainly don't spend my whole day sitting around thinking that. But I recognize that the emotion is still there.

I do miss my W, who no longer exists. As I've said before, the M was maybe 20% good, 80% bad. I miss that 20%. I deserve better than that, but I still miss that little slice. Now I'm out looking for a whole pie made out of that slice.

Interesting fact: a few months ago, I had to be present in a doctor's office with XW for an appointment for my kids. I was there for about 2 hours. It was very cold and standoff-ish, and we didn't say much to each other.

Should I be detached? A friend who was recently divorced said there's no way detachment is possible for me, especially considering the length of my M. My friend says the thought of XW will probably cause me some distress for quite a while.