My Story

[lost8]

Going on three months now since I found out my wife was having an affair and it has been hot and cold since 7/1. 5/10 was Dday for me and I was a mess until early July. I had all the evidence to file for adultery and filed papers 6/27 then went on a week long vacation with my son. When I returned she was cold at first but spent that next weekend together which botched my adultery charges. At first I thought she did it on purpose but she continued to sleep with me on a regular basis throughout the month of July and early August. I have been hanging on to the contact with her to see if we can reestablish a bond after 17 years of marriage but have noticed that it is usually after she has been drinking that she opens up to me and when things start happening in the bedroom.

My wife had gastricby pass a year ago and in Feb/Mar of this year started finding her old self again and when I think the drift started happening. I have read this surgery has strange psychological effects on people as well. She was spending more time out at HH and was soon after that I realized she was having an affair. She said she had been doing a lot of soul searching and was sexually abused as a young teenager and thought her parents knew and did nothing. She had always thought that she was responsible for the abuse but now realized she was a victim and in mid May confronted her parents who live across country and a fight broke out that has created a situation where she does not even care if her parents are dead or alive. She also constantly complains about being the lone female exec in a small company and living in a man's world which she constantly talks about. These are the problems she leans on and represses that fact that she is having an affair. I do believe she needs heavy therapy and she has been abusing alcohol and drugs to ease all of the pain that she has been going through.

After weeks of flip flopping and being there for her mental breakdowns when she is home I have moved to the basement bedroom permanently. I was chasing and pressuring in May but have not been doing that for the last two months which I think has aided in her coming to me for the last 5 weeks although she still sees and talks to her AP who is married and not leaving his wife. I am at a point where I think personally too much damage has been done but she will not agree to a separation to begin the divorce process and seems to be just content playing it out until our 14 year old gets out of HS.

I could turn the screw on her and make it uncomfortable but there are times when she opens up and says that she is confused and sees us together forever but is still having her affair. She is a strong woman and any attempts at demanding NC will never work but periods of detachment have been effective. She is very independent and honestly does not need me although her finances are a bit in disorder right now but I just don't see why she would not agree to divorce as she would get a good enough settlement to start over.

Any suggestions on what I can do to see if there is still something there or how I can push her out for good?