Going on three months now since I found out my wife was having an affair and it has been hot and cold since 7/1. 5/10 was Dday for me and I was a mess until early July. I had all the evidence to file for adultery and filed papers 6/27 then went on a week long vacation with my son. When I returned she was cold at first but spent that next weekend together which botched my adultery charges. At first I thought she did it on purpose but she continued to sleep with me on a regular basis throughout the month of July and early August. I have been hanging on to the contact with her to see if we can reestablish a bond after 17 years of marriage but have noticed that it is usually after she has been drinking that she opens up to me and when things start happening in the bedroom.
My wife had gastricby pass a year ago and in Feb/Mar of this year started finding her old self again and when I think the drift started happening. I have read this surgery has strange psychological effects on people as well. She was spending more time out at HH and was soon after that I realized she was having an affair. She said she had been doing a lot of soul searching and was sexually abused as a young teenager and thought her parents knew and did nothing. She had always thought that she was responsible for the abuse but now realized she was a victim and in mid May confronted her parents who live across country and a fight broke out that has created a situation where she does not even care if her parents are dead or alive. She also constantly complains about being the lone female exec in a small company and living in a man's world which she constantly talks about. These are the problems she leans on and represses that fact that she is having an affair. I do believe she needs heavy therapy and she has been abusing alcohol and drugs to ease all of the pain that she has been going through.
After weeks of flip flopping and being there for her mental breakdowns when she is home I have moved to the basement bedroom permanently. I was chasing and pressuring in May but have not been doing that for the last two months which I think has aided in her coming to me for the last 5 weeks although she still sees and talks to her AP who is married and not leaving his wife. I am at a point where I think personally too much damage has been done but she will not agree to a separation to begin the divorce process and seems to be just content playing it out until our 14 year old gets out of HS.
I could turn the screw on her and make it uncomfortable but there are times when she opens up and says that she is confused and sees us together forever but is still having her affair. She is a strong woman and any attempts at demanding NC will never work but periods of detachment have been effective. She is very independent and honestly does not need me although her finances are a bit in disorder right now but I just don't see why she would not agree to divorce as she would get a good enough settlement to start over.
Any suggestions on what I can do to see if there is still something there or how I can push her out for good?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Just a follow up on this but she refuses to end contact and always talks or texts him even right before she has been with me. She also just spent this past weekend with him and there is no end in site. The hardest part is that we are cohabitating and I just want her all the way back or all the way gone.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
-don't move out of your bed, she's wants out? She can get out? -don't sleep with her, she's having an affair. Have some respect for yourself. -why is it all about her? She has hurt you in the worst way possible and you are there for her? I didn't read that she is truly remorseful for her action and has taken steps in the direction of marriage -read about boundaries. Do you really feel comfortable "trying" with her while she continues her affair? This means you are willing to be in an open marriage. -actions speak louder than words. Easier for me to say than for you to see for yourself, but you'll get better in time.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I wanted to move out, I have a full bedroom/bath in the basement. I had done this in the past and it always pulled her back but I would cave and go back to our bed and she would just go back to her same routine.
I'm done sleeping with her, and the AP got wind that she was trying to work on our marriage and sleeping together and I think he is upping his game by telling her she needs to stay away from me. Ironic right, the AP doesn't want my wife sleeping with me. She always says how independent she is and no one can tell her what to do. I thought for a while this would rekindle a bond, but have realized her drinking and and drug use has her all over the place.
She has taken no steps in repairing the marriage at this point other than spending more time with me.
At this point I am 100% detaching from her while the affair is continuing. I was trying to make things work without pushing for the last two months but things have not changed much.
Like I said originally she is dealing with a lot of issues outside of our marriage and as far back as April can remember consistent drinking and drug use. As of yesterday she seems to be trying to dry out and get her life in order probably since the AP said she was a mess and needed to get her life together.
If she can hold off on not drinking and using, she will either realize that she has been acting a fool and look to repair our marriage or that she truly wants to be with the AP, who BTW has no intentions to leave his wife. My guess is she can hold off for a week or two and will be back on the sauce because of the issues that have been haunting her for a good part of her life.
H 49 W 47 BD 5/10/2018
Married 17 years Together 18 years
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Lost, there are a lot of details that are missing here. Like how was the marriage prior to BD? Is this her first A, whether EA or PA? Any other details that will help?
So I agree with overrnbw. Most of these things are caused by a lack of respect. Leaving your MBR is not commanding respect. "You are cheating, therefore you are NOT welcome in our MBR until your A is over." She can live downstairs and use the full bath down there.
You mention she is an exec at a small company. What do you do? Are you as successful as she is? If not, that too can play into the lack of respect.
She is holding on to you as plan B, while solidifying her plan A. How does that make you feel? Doesn't that make you want to take your respect back?
She is trying to hold onto you as her H, while using her AP as her lover and emotional support. This shows a lack of respect for you.
No respect = no attraction. If you want to attract her back, then you need to take back your respect. You start by respecting yourself!
GAL. 180. detach. Do not agree to a demilitarized zone for the next 3-4 years to placate her for your son's sake. That is no way to live. However, I sense impatience on your part. These things are marathons, not sprints. Give time for the process to work. I see you trying use the "detachment" and "NC" won't work. First NC is not something you demand. It is what you do. You don't initiate contact. You respond, in your own time, to her questions with as few words as possible. Yes or no questions mean respond with yes or no. Contact that is informational requires no response. I don't care how independent and strong she is, when you pull back she will wonder why. In fact, it works better for those types since they tend to be controlling and detachment and NC will make her feel like control is slipping away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Our marriage before BD was good, it had it's normal ups and downs but the stage we were in with focus on our children was definitely a distraction and I see where we could have made more effort together. I was always the keeper of the house and was able to get home first to do cooking, homework, etc for the kids.
This is actually her second affair, last was 10 years ago that we overcame and actually came out stronger than before the A.
I'm still good with the move, that was something that I controlled and she says how she cannot sleep in an empty bed so she carries that burden. And it kills her that the two family dogs have followed me and do not sleep in her bed.
She is an "exec" by title but I make more money and have the better career opportunities than her. Money wise I contribute 55% to the household and she 45% by income but she got lucky getting in with this small company because she would have difficulty going elsewhere because of her lack of degree.
I do recognize that she is holding on to me as plan B, and I do want my respect back. She is making an effort right now to clean her life up through sobriety which I know will only expose all of her flaws and issues that she has refused to deal with. Speaking with my therapist the detachment, NC, GAL are my only options right now if I want things to have any chance.
I am not impatient but as far as cohabitating, not sure I have many options besides defaulting on our mortgage and forcing us to move out. She has the option to sign a separation agreement which will give her enough to start over on her own but obviously she doesn't want to do that since this has already been going on for over 3 months.
Her A has taken place with her using alcohol and drugs and I guess my only option is to continue to GAL and instill the other behaviors and see if this is she wants while she is sober.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I wish mtb was here. He has more experience with WWs that have substance abuse problems. Bottom line is that she has to hit rock bottom before she can improve.
However, I am not sure you are looking at your sitch objectively. I already see you making some excuses related to the advice given. The advice is free, and you can choose to ignore it. But be honest with yourself. Would getting respect be kicking her out of the MBR or moving yourself? You need to stop being Mr. Mom and let her start picking up some household responsibilities. She had an A 10 years ago and here you are right back to the same point again, which means likely the root case wasn't dealt with properly. You seem to blame it all on her substance abuse problems but substance abuse and As are usually symptoms of bigger problems.
Did you guys do MC after the first A? Did you make her do any work to come back to the MR? Or was it just a wide-opened door with the only stipulation being that the A ended?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No MC after the first, I know that was a big problem. I no longer do anything for her in regards to the house and she is showing frustration. I want her to see what independence really looks like. I do maintain alot of the duties that are directed to my 14 year old who sees that his mother has been an absentee mom for 3+ months now. He is my biggest concern as I work on myself as well.
She was close to rock bottom and I do expect a relapse but I am at the point of moving on and did not want to be in the MBR any longer. She showed a lot of remorse the first time and we did a lot of talking after the first A and we both agreed that we had gotten a lot better after it. If there was any chance this time of reconciling, intense MC and IC would be required before I would even consider but I think I have a way to go.
It was more or less just ending the A though which I now see never addressed any of her underlying issues why the A happened in the first place. I'm trying but I guess the experience will help me make the right decisions this time even though this one seems much worse.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
